[kadesgirl09]

Ive had bipolar since I was 18 and I had my oldest son at 17. My parents helped me raise him during the years that I was in and out of jail in and in and out of the hospitals just refusing to take medicines to make myself right. Finally in December of 05 I moved home and started getting back on my meds. I took over raising my son again got a job and started supporting myself. In 08 my son and I even moved out for several months. Then in the summer of 09 I married my best friend in another town at the spur of the moment and took my son with me. Before, the whole time I was away from him I was depressed and suicidal. I hated life and did bad things to myself. But my parents always made me think my son would be better off with them. SO imagine how they felt when I took him and moved out. Now that was a year ago and now they want him for a week. But now I am married with 2 more kids. One is 3 and a step the other is 1. But the step child is really mine. He doesn't even know his real mom. Sooo... heres my problem. My parents agreed a couple of months ago that if we let them have my oldest for a weekend then they would take each of the other two for their own weekend. They only took my two boys the oldest and the youngest and now they are harassing me for my oldest again. (Never even took the middle child or offered.) Like voice mails every day. Like major stomach malfunctions (my pdoc took me off ALL anxiety meds) I dont even WANT to talk to my parents anymore. But they helped me raise my son. Even though they talked me into it every time they were probably right that he was better off with them. But when he goes down there he regresses to doing things that has taken me a year to curb. Like sleeping in the bed with the grown ups and lying and manipulating. I would let him go down there but they would let him do anything and everything he wanted. Is it okay to hand my parents off to my husband and let him deal with it? Although if I do that I know he will just say no. I want so desperately to make my parents happy. And I'm even a bit jealous about my oldest sons relationship with my parents. I don't know if this even makes sense. Just hoping for some advice on how to deal with my parents. Should I let him go again with a list of rules I know they wont follow, say no he cant go, or just wait because summer isnt over yet. sorry this is so long. im tormented by this.

PS My oldest has been grounded this ENTIRE summer for lying and stealing and lying again so we havent even had a chance to enjoy summer with him yet. I told him at the beginning of summer that if he kept lying he wasnt going to their house this summer. I mean I know thats pretty mean but its something he really wanted and obviously it wasnt worth not lying to get. So now I want to take him to the beach and let him play video games and go to the water park... you know fun stuff WITH US. *

[perpetuallysad]

I tried to calculate how old your oldest was, but I couldn't figure it out. First of all, it's really nice and lucky that your parents helped you when you needed them. I would assume they helped out of love for you and love for their grandchild. Assuming this is true, there is no reason for you to have to do things now in order to "pay them back" for the things they've done in the past. Sure, it's awesome for kids to have a healthy and close relationship with their grandparents, and it seems as though you are trying to help facilitate that relationship. Good. I think you are doing the right thing. You allowed both sons to come visit (I think it's sad that they won't take the daughter, which I am guessing is because she's isn't "their" grandchild-hope I'm wrong on that one). I do not think you should feel under any obligation whatsoever to let him go again. One week long visit anywhere during the summer is enough away from home time for anyone. Aside from that, you mention he's grounded for lying and stealing. Allowing him to go to his grandparents is allowing him to break his grounding to do something fun. Would you allow him to go with a friend on vacation somewhere fun while he was grounded? If you wouldn't, I don't see any reason why you shouldn't be firm and say no on going back to the grandparents' house again.

Also, you don't have to constantly repay past kindnesses or pay for past mistakes. You seem as though you have moved on and are on the path of a good responsible parent. Your parents fostered your son at a time when you needed help, but they don't have any right to claim his time and have no right to harass you into letting him spend time there, especially if they allow him to break the rules you have set for him.

I wish you luck and strength dealing with this!

[BlackPup]

Dealing with parents is hard for most of us and that's without dealing with the differences in "parenting styles"... I agree with perpetually sad in that you don't owe them for looking after your son. It is wonderful that they helped you and cared for him when you couldn't, but you are a responsible adult now and you need to do what is best for you kids and your family. I think its really important to establish your family and give the children the stability they need. They need consistancy and they need to know what is expected of them all the time. (My sister has the same problem with disipline and her daughter with our parents - they had to move back home for a year when they got evicted from their flat, they just moved out again and it is really unsettling for my niece)
I also think that it is important that you establish a relationship with your parents as an equal. It is really hard for many parents to do this (mine included!!!!) especially if they feel like they have been looking after you and your son (even if you were doing all the work!).
If talking to them is a trigger or upsets you, then it may be best to let hubby deal with them. Eventually you will need to talk to them - the more you can communicate the better. However, they have to understand that you don't answer to them and if you say no then its no and you don't have to explain yourself. You are in charge not them.
All the best, and let us know how it goes.

[kadesgirl09]

Originally Posted by perpetuallysad

I tried to calculate how old your oldest was, but I couldn't figure it out. First of all, it's really nice and lucky that your parents helped you when you needed them. I would assume they helped out of love for you and love for their grandchild. Assuming this is true, there is no reason for you to have to do things now in order to "pay them back" for the things they've done in the past. Sure, it's awesome for kids to have a healthy and close relationship with their grandparents, and it seems as though you are trying to help facilitate that relationship. Good. I think you are doing the right thing. You allowed both sons to come visit (I think it's sad that they won't take the daughter, which I am guessing is because she's isn't "their" grandchild-hope I'm wrong on that one). I do not think you should feel under any obligation whatsoever to let him go again. One week long visit anywhere during the summer is enough away from home time for anyone. Aside from that, you mention he's grounded for lying and stealing. Allowing him to go to his grandparents is allowing him to break his grounding to do something fun. Would you allow him to go with a friend on vacation somewhere fun while he was grounded? If you wouldn't, I don't see any reason why you shouldn't be firm and say no on going back to the grandparents' house again.

Also, you don't have to constantly repay past kindnesses or pay for past mistakes. You seem as though you have moved on and are on the path of a good responsible parent. Your parents fostered your son at a time when you needed help, but they don't have any right to claim his time and have no right to harass you into letting him spend time there, especially if they allow him to break the rules you have set for him.

I wish you luck and strength dealing with this!

thank you so much for your response. I have given in and decided it wont hurt for him to go one more weekend this summer but its not going to be this weekend like she wanted. Then she keeps calling my phone and asking for to speak with my son (who is almost 12). I lied last night and said my battery was dying which I felt SO guilty about but I'm sick of it. I'm sick of her using me to get to my son. So I'll let him call her tonight on my time. Maybe I'm just being a paranoid control freak. I dont know. Half the time I'm like questioning myself weather I am having an episode or just being myself. Like she asked my in sms what kind of game was I playing. I had no clue what she was talking about because to me I have been straight forward. I told her he cant miss daycare (it is state funded) and the few days hes allowed were going to the beach. I guess I just dont know how to talk to my mom as an adult.

[kadesgirl09]

Originally Posted by BlackPup

Dealing with parents is hard for most of us and that's without dealing with the differences in "parenting styles"... I agree with perpetually sad in that you don't owe them for looking after your son. It is wonderful that they helped you and cared for him when you couldn't, but you are a responsible adult now and you need to do what is best for you kids and your family. I think its really important to establish your family and give the children the stability they need. They need consistancy and they need to know what is expected of them all the time. (My sister has the same problem with disipline and her daughter with our parents - they had to move back home for a year when they got evicted from their flat, they just moved out again and it is really unsettling for my niece)
I also think that it is important that you establish a relationship with your parents as an equal. It is really hard for many parents to do this (mine included!!!!) especially if they feel like they have been looking after you and your son (even if you were doing all the work!).
If talking to them is a trigger or upsets you, then it may be best to let hubby deal with them. Eventually you will need to talk to them - the more you can communicate the better. However, they have to understand that you don't answer to them and if you say no then its no and you don't have to explain yourself. You are in charge not them.
All the best, and let us know how it goes.

Thank you for understanding. Thats all I am trying to do now is establish my family. He now has a dad (well 2 dads) His sperm donor after 10 years finally stepped up plus my husband. So I am trying to get him used to that idea. Plus the consistency thing. I want him to know I am not going anywhere and neither is my husband. He needs to know we are his parents and will be there for him in the future. His grandparents will too but I have to gain his trust and respect as a mom. For the last year, all he wanted was to move back with my parents, but finally he is starting to make friends and settle down. The last thing I want is for him to go there and come back homesick wanting to move there again. Its just miserable for him... Thanks again. I guess I really needed to get this off my chest.