[onomonapetia]

Today has been a horrible day. I did too much yesterday to start. Everything was just too loud and it was too much for me. I took an extra 1/2 dose of seroquel last night so I am tired today, my daughter is literally making me want to pull my hair out being clingy and crying if I am not holding her. My house is a wreck, bills need to be paid, I need a shower, and for some reason I can't breathe very good. I woke up last night gasping for air. My husband is conveniently at work and i am sure he will take his sweet ****ing time getting home because he knows I am in a bad mood. Sorry. I just needed to vent to someone! Thanks I feel better now.

(((((((onomonapetia)))))))
I am glad you posted here to vent your feelings. We all have our bad days, and having someone to listen is important. I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

[Shakti]

Vent away!

I hate it when things are too loud. It upsets me on a visceral level and causes such stress. I know that wasn't the main thing you wrote about but that just really resonated with me.

[sanityseeker]

Vent away. I know how much that can help sometimes. Its like letting the cap of the boiling kettle. Just letting off steam. But do try to find a way to turn down the heat a bit. Even if it is just a relaxing shower or a few minutes of focused breathing. Take some time for yourself to maybe prevent the steam from building up again too soon.

[sanityseeker]

Me too Shakti. I couldn't even go outside the other day because the wind through the trees was so loud it nearly drove me over the edge.

[onomonapetia]

My inlaws were the loud ones. They already set me on edge, and then we went to dinner in an extremely loud restaurant. everything loud could possibly set me off. My husband must be deaf because he always has the tv up really loud. It makes me crazy inside! Shakti, I think we must share the same mind! It seems like we always feel the same way about a lot things. I always "get" exactly what you're saying. It's weird but in a neat way!

[onomonapetia]

Thank you all for responding!

[perpetuallysad]

Sorry I am late seeing this. I hope your day went better. I'm the same with loud noises, I'm very easily startled and loud noises sort of build into this cacophony of just AAAAA in my ears until my skin is crawling. I hope your husband got home and provided you some much needed relief.

[onomonapetia]

Thanks again everyone! Of course, the hubs didn't get home until nearly 7 pm, so I was stuck, literally tethered to a screaming, teething baby! I think separation anxiety is setting in, too. Of course when he gets home, she is all smiles. I don't get it. Sometimes I think she likes him more. I can only guess it's because when he has her by himself, he doesn't do anything else. I, on the other hand, try to engage her AND do household stuff. Laundry, dishes, bills, whatever. She gets spoiled by him and by the time I get her she is expecting me to drop everything to play. I kinda resent that he gets the best time with her without worrying about anything else. If I didn't do anything else but play with her all day, my life, house, finances would all be in shambles. I would LOVE to play with her all day. I always end up feeling like I am neglecting her by setting her down in her pack and play while I do other stuff. Anyone else feel this way about their kids?

I get scared sometimes on days like today that I am going to flip out when she screams all day. I was trying to replace some batteries for one of her noise maker things so she could take a nap and I ended up slamming the screwdriver on the counter because she wouldn't quiet down. She wasn't near me, she was upstairs, but I still feel horrible for it. Sometimes, in my deepest, deepest pit in my soul, I get scared that one day I will hurt her because I flipped out and couldn't handle it. I pray everyday that I will always have the sense to walk away and shut the door before I get that upset. I could NEVER forgive myself if something happened to her because of me. Is it normal for me to feel this way? To worry that I will hurt someone that I love? Well nothing about the way I ever feel is normal, but I mean is it normal for me? or anyone like us for that matter? I have never been violent with anyone when I am having an episode, so I don't think I would. There have been times when I wanted badly to punch my husband in the face, but hey who hasn't wanted to do that from time to time. Sometimes he is an extremely dense asshole. I love him dearly though.

[blueoctober]

I hope today is going better. Is there anyway that you can cut down how much you do during the day when you are alone with your daughter? I suffer from perfectionism as well, but sometimes I need to ask myself "will the world end if I don't finish the laundry today?". Are there any programs that you can go to during the day with other new moms (if you aren't doing that already?) Are you able to have someone watch her, so you can have a break? As far as your daughter liking your husband more than you I highly doubt that, but children can sense our energy and if your tank is empty or your stressed that may be what she's responding to.

Another really important aspect is postpartum depression that can last up to 1 year. I took a BP education group when I was first diagnosed and asked one of the P-doc presenters what the likelihood would be that I would pass on BP if I had children and he said there was a much higher chance to have PPD.

[perpetuallysad]

There have been times when I feel very much the same... I think that my son loves my husband more. I think that I may flip and hurt him. I've wanted to punch my husband. I'm not saying that I'm good for any of this, but I have felt all of it on more than one occasion. Of course, it's far easier for me to give you advice than to follow it myself, but I will give you my 2 cents on all this. First off, I found that even though my husband is around for the "fun stuff" with my son (who's now 9), I've been around for EVERYTHING and he clearly trusts me with his feelings more. He is always happy go lucky with Dad, but much more likely to cry with me. Sometimes this hurts me, but I realized it's because I am the one that he absolutely and completely trusts. (This isn't to say he doesn't trust his dad, but he and I are bonded in a different way.) So, even though my husband mostly gets to have fun, I know that while it doesn't always feel like it, my son loves me very much. As far as the anger and flipping out, the most I can say is that I have worried about this same thing my son's entire life and he's made it to 9 1/2 without me ever flipping out on him, neither physically nor verbally. Somehow, and I seriously don't know how, I manage to keep in the insanity until he's asleep or at school or whatever. I know you feel bad, but slamming the counter when your daughter's far away is ok in my opinion and a good, safe way to release frustration when you aren't in front of her (which would probably frighten her). As far as smacking my husband, I haven't done that either, but oh my god, I have wanted to. My h is a very sweet, caring and understanding guy and sometimes this evenness drives me insane. How come I'm the one who always loses it? How come he never freaks out? That's the things that get me. I've told him I wanted to hit him, but I've never done it.

Hm, I guess I didn't really have any advice for you after all, but know that you aren't alone.

[sanityseeker]

My son is 16 now and I can remember feeling the overload when he was a baby. Trying to do everything while denying my own needs. Reaching a boiling point and imagining harming my son when the frustration got too intense.

If I were to be given a do over some of the things I would change would be to do less house work and play with my son more. I would nap when he napped and I would have me dates once a week. Even if just for a couple of hours of private indulgence I think my son and my husband would have benefited as much as I would. I would also insist on a date with my husband once a week too. Time for just us to talk and keep our relationship alive.

Like everything in life it is always about balance. Balance brings harmony but it doesn't happen by itself. We have to make it happen. We are not machines we are emotional beings who need emotional nuturing.

Please put yourself on the list of people you take care of. You are not alone in your frustration. You can find the balance and feel a lot better about everything as the reward. Take good care.

[blueoctober]

Great post sanityseeker!

[sugahorse1]

How are you doing now - thinking of you!
I totally get that need to just get away. To leave everything behind and forget all responsibilities.
And there is nothing worse than having a partner, but that just cannot understand. I gave my boyfriend a real education session on Sunday morning to get him to understand. I realise I need to communicate better to him. I can't just say : I've had a bad day. I need to tell him I'm depressed, frustrated and angry. I am not intouch with myself anymore, I need to be hugged and held....
Our partners cannot guess what we feel - we need to tell them what we need. And if they are worth their salt, they will support and love us every step of the way.

[kadesgirl09]

Originally Posted by onomonapetia

Thanks again everyone! Of course, the hubs didn't get home until nearly 7 pm, so I was stuck, literally tethered to a screaming, teething baby! I think separation anxiety is setting in, too. Of course when he gets home, she is all smiles. I don't get it. Sometimes I think she likes him more. I can only guess it's because when he has her by himself, he doesn't do anything else. I, on the other hand, try to engage her AND do household stuff. Laundry, dishes, bills, whatever. She gets spoiled by him and by the time I get her she is expecting me to drop everything to play. I kinda resent that he gets the best time with her without worrying about anything else. If I didn't do anything else but play with her all day, my life, house, finances would all be in shambles. I would LOVE to play with her all day. I always end up feeling like I am neglecting her by setting her down in her pack and play while I do other stuff. Anyone else feel this way about their kids?

I get scared sometimes on days like today that I am going to flip out when she screams all day. I was trying to replace some batteries for one of her noise maker things so she could take a nap and I ended up slamming the screwdriver on the counter because she wouldn't quiet down. She wasn't near me, she was upstairs, but I still feel horrible for it. Sometimes, in my deepest, deepest pit in my soul, I get scared that one day I will hurt her because I flipped out and couldn't handle it. I pray everyday that I will always have the sense to walk away and shut the door before I get that upset. I could NEVER forgive myself if something happened to her because of me. Is it normal for me to feel this way? To worry that I will hurt someone that I love? Well nothing about the way I ever feel is normal, but I mean is it normal for me? or anyone like us for that matter? I have never been violent with anyone when I am having an episode, so I don't think I would. There have been times when I wanted badly to punch my husband in the face, but hey who hasn't wanted to do that from time to time. Sometimes he is an extremely dense asshole. I love him dearly though.

I get what your saying. Story is a bit different for me though. My baby wants me to hold him constantly. But its impossible. I go to work all day then when I get home I'm loading the washer or cleaning bathrooms. I just dont have time to hold him and play with him. So he cries. and cries and cries. And it makes me want to scream. The loud noises startle me and make me anxious too. I cant stand the tv up too loud either and my hubbys brothers and sisters that are over almost every day keep the tv way up loud. Anyways, sorry I am just now reading your post but I totally get what your saying!