I will never figure this brain out. Not ever. I've been in the most... spaced out, weird, depressed... just... WTH space lately. And have been... in it. Like nowhere in a sense, because nothing much was going through, not even the usual ruminations. (See other posts for a better explanation). Motivation: zippo. But I'd fairly recently had an idea for another piece (I've got a mixed media series about bipolar... you know, compelled to make them, even if it's only for me... also compelled to share, but it must be the right time/situation...) Anyway... tonight I've been getting bits out and starting to mess around and alternating with trancing and "seeing" it in greater detail. Hence the first time I've used the "inspired" mood thing here. I have no idea what tomorrow will bring, but... what? Like my brain needed to give up, lose even desperation, go to nowhere, to what??? Go here? No complaints though, it's a place where I AM, totally me, the only place where I really know where I am, even when I don't. I KNOW where I am, even if I can't describe it. This is MY place. It's better than words.... I hope it holds. Not... happy even... just... gah it's hard to describe. Because I am soooo ready to just shut the rest of reality (whatever that is) out and say **** it. I'm over here now. And staying over here as long as it holds. Damn the consequences. At the very least I can exist on my own terms for awhile. Doesn't *feel* hypomanic, but who knows where this is going. Who knows where this brain will be tomorrow. It's been too long from this space.

Back to it. Just had to share something positive for a change, even if it turns out to be fleeting.

[sugahorse1]

Glad you have managed to find some inspiration.
I often think about taking all my posts, editting them slightly and coming up with a kind of handbook to Bipolar.
I've read - An Unquiet Mind - but I find it focused too much on the mania, something I cannot relate to. But if someone could reassure me that my mixed episodes, my awkward states of being (Such as you describe) were quite normal and I was not alone in feeling (Or not) this way, it would be very beneficial.

Go for it while you feel inspired, and hopefully it will drag you out of this state. Please do try share your pieces that you manage to compile

[knossos13]

Congratulations on finding the wind in your sails! I'm also of the artistic temperament and it certainly seems like you're using the spontaneous energy positively--stay in production mode for as long as you can / feels right. When/If it fades, don't be discouraged-it's simply time to 'fill the well' as the phrase goes in The Artist's Way (Julie Cameron) which I'd highly recommend if ya haven't already read it. 'Filling the well' is the phrase she uses to describe what people do everytime they listen to new music, read new poetry, view new pieces. All good stuff and does seem to set off the productive modality in good order.

On feelings of depersonalization/disembodiment, even willfully kicking aside the real world, I can certainly identify: 'I am in this room, but this room is somehow nothing, yet I am a something, yet the something that I am is still not the me that produces the thought.' & so on. It's kinda like a thought-experiment in philosophy gone wrong. . .

As an aside, I'd read in Psychology Today last week that something very interesting happens to the brains of musicians which does not happen to the brains of nonmusicians. Here was the experiment: an fMRI scan was performed on these two groups which revealed that musicians (and not non-musicians) could and did actively suppress activity in an area of the brain that's usually associated with sequencing incoming stimuli while improvising melodies on a little keyboard. While that's likely not specifically relevant, it does seem to provoke the question of whether a similar process may happen to visual cortex/proprioception in some other folks visually inclined... who knows, just a thought.

Back to the problem of altered consciousness--those times when the world had seemed to go all perpendicular, and not itself, I found the following useful:

Glass of water + yoga--sounds silly, but no joke. I'm not particularly spiritual, but increased circulation and deep breathing will certainly change the state, if not alleviate some of the discomfort, physical and cognitive.

And as far as I'm concerned, if I take your meaning of 'reality' correctly, it's perfectly cool/understandable/rational to shut the door on it for privacy, reflection, rest, creativity. Reality is nothing if not persistent, and it'll be there when you open the door.

Hope that's helpful.

Take care, & Happy artmaking!

Yeah, sugahorse, you know, it's funny. It was like a coexistence of the two things. Might have been a transition, I'm finding I'm starting to swing the other way. Not quite sure yet, as they are both still present, but the newer one seems to be gaining an edge, but that may partially be a result of closing out parts of reality that I just can't keep on dealing with right now. Yeah, I don't quite get it either(!)

On An Unquiet Mind. There are passages that are very excellent for sure. On massive depression, part of her description as "...an almost arterial level of agony..." really struck home. The manic bits didn't bother me at all, I related to a lot of it (not all, I'm BP II so that major psychotic break, no). I do really appreciate how she has really put forth about the high incidence of high levels of creativity in the BP community. (She had a book about that too, which didn't grab me quite as much as I imagined it would, probably due to the focus on a lot of classical stuff, which I'm simply not as familiar with.)

No worries, knossos13! I'll definitely keep on it as long as it's going. There's nothing I'd rather do. And the sheer length of some of the dry spells can prove a bit annoying, but I've been through so many of these cycles that it doesn't really worry me. Yeah, I've read The Artist's Way. Didn't really ring for me, though I know it does for many. Of course maybe it's my deep deep seated resistance to routine! (As in that first thing in the morning journaling stuff. Ain't gonna happen! Lol.)

That fMRI experiment is very interesting. If I understand it correctly -- and tell me if I've got it wrong-- (that they actively supress activity in parts of the brain whose functions are not relevant to the musical thing they are engaged in?), that's not surprising. I'd bet just about anything that an experiment on visually creative folks would show the same kind of phenomenon. There's definitely a brain shift when one is really engaged with it. Perception of time sure goes out the window, and that's the least of it! Like...well, I hardly know where to being without writing long past when people's eyes would glaze over!

You said, "Reality is nothing if not persistent, and it'll be there when you open the door." Too true! That's what I figure. On the one hand, I'm "wasting" time that really "should" be used elsewise, but I've had a such unrelenting smackdown from the universe lately on so many fronts in the "real world", that I think that overload contributed to the weird numb state. I NEED a break from it, and I'm only too pleased that my brain took this shift. There's simply not room for both of them!* So...going to hang out here for a bit, yup! Reality *will* still be there. It'll be just as crappy when I get back as during this time when I'm ignoring it. Meanwhile, it's a break.

*Well there is. Kind of. They're both still present, it's just that one side's pushing the other over into a corner. (Haha, yeah, like that. It's been sent to sit in the corner! A time out! ) Go brain! Now if only I could make it do that when it suited me. Apparently it's into surprise tactics.... (you'd think I'd be used to that by now!)

[sugahorse1]

Hey there Innerzone. Glad you are feeling a lot better, and I hope you managed to take advantage of the creative spell!