[MadyJohannah]

Okay, so I am not really an old dog, I am only 31. BUT, I have already been to college once, and I am getting ready to go back. I spent six and a half years of my life in a college getting two degrees that I never wanted. College was a major nightmare to me. All I did was study, and my grades absolutely sucked! I had severe test anxiety and homework was a hot mess every night. I hated my classes and my teachers, and yes, my classmates too. I never had any friends and hardly every talked to anyone. I didn't know why until I was diagnosed with MDD and BP II about four years ago. After that, it all made perfect sense to me. I could go back and analyze my life and actually have a valid reason for doing the things that I had done. I know that my disorders are a major reason why my earlier college career was a disaster. Social phobias and paranoia, to name a few, all suck when you are 21 and don't know why you don't fit in. When you can read part of a textbook and know it like the back of your hand, and then flunk tests that took you an hour and a half to do?!? It all made sense to me.
Now, however, it's all coming back to me. I majored in Biology and Environmental Health Science the first time around, and I didn't much like it. This time, I am lucky enough to have the opportunity to go to school and study what I want, which is nursing. I can't wait. I am so excited, and all my biology classes count as transfer courses, so I didn't take them just for nothing. I just have one problem: What if the same thing happens again? I know that it won't be that bad b/c I know what's "wrong" with me and I am on meds, but that whole "it's happened before...it'll happen again" feeling is slowly creeping into my brain. I don't know what to do. Positive thinking isn't working anymore and I don't want to blow this chance to do something good and positive with my life. Does anyone have any advice or words of encouragement? Anything will be appreciated.

[blueoctober]

Hi MadyJohannah I had responded to your post on the intro page on your reaction to the SSRI anti-d Celxa. Are you also on a mood stabilizer? For some people with bipolar a SSRI anti-d even with a mood stabilizer is a bad combo. I'm on an anti-d, but it's not a SSRI (I'm on wellbutrinXL)

It's natural to have some nerves about going back to school, but perhaps you would want to see a therapist (if you aren't already), and discuss your concerns. It may also help to do positive visualization. Good for you for going back to school!

[thinker22]

Hi MJ. I just wanted to give you some encouragement. I too am 31 and at my 4th college. Not all of my classes transferred and I still have to fulfill the requirements for my current degree even though I have done more units than a graduate. I started college in 1998. At the rate I'm going I will have a 4 year degree in 2013. I have had some breaks in between and I did get an Associate's at my first college, but it can get discouraging at times. I'm constantly tempted to drop out and say I've already done more college than a graduate, so what's the point? Well, I manage to go and take my 2 classes per quarter anyway. Even in the midst of a mixed or depressive episode. It really does suck, working so hard with so little to show for it, but we gotta keep keepin' on. One day it will be worth it and I've switched my major too. Now I'm going for a BS in Art. You're doing nursing...a noble profession. That should give you some steam to run on. The finish line offers a promising career. I wish you all the best in your journey. It's worth fighting for. And even if you have to drop out (as I have several times), you can always go back when you feel better. We're older students, but not THAT old.

[Anneinside]

Originally Posted by MadyJohannah

Okay, so I am not really an old dog, I am only 31. BUT, I have already been to college once, and I am getting ready to go back. I spent six and a half years of my life in a college getting two degrees that I never wanted. College was a major nightmare to me. All I did was study, and my grades absolutely sucked! I had severe test anxiety and homework was a hot mess every night. I hated my classes and my teachers, and yes, my classmates too. I never had any friends and hardly every talked to anyone. I didn't know why until I was diagnosed with MDD and BP II about four years ago. After that, it all made perfect sense to me. I could go back and analyze my life and actually have a valid reason for doing the things that I had done. I know that my disorders are a major reason why my earlier college career was a disaster. Social phobias and paranoia, to name a few, all suck when you are 21 and don't know why you don't fit in. When you can read part of a textbook and know it like the back of your hand, and then flunk tests that took you an hour and a half to do?!? It all made sense to me.
Now, however, it's all coming back to me. I majored in Biology and Environmental Health Science the first time around, and I didn't much like it. This time, I am lucky enough to have the opportunity to go to school and study what I want, which is nursing. I can't wait. I am so excited, and all my biology classes count as transfer courses, so I didn't take them just for nothing. I just have one problem: What if the same thing happens again? I know that it won't be that bad b/c I know what's "wrong" with me and I am on meds, but that whole "it's happened before...it'll happen again" feeling is slowly creeping into my brain. I don't know what to do. Positive thinking isn't working anymore and I don't want to blow this chance to do something good and positive with my life. Does anyone have any advice or words of encouragement? Anything will be appreciated.

One thing you need to do is get in touch with student disability services at your university. They can help you get accommodations in your courses with your professors. Don't wait until you get in trouble, do it now.

[vjdragonfly]

I'm glad you are getting the opportunity to go back to school and study for nursing. I can understand your anxiety about worrying things will be the same as the first time around. Although I believe you are better off now. You are being treated for your illness and you know what goes with it. Try and have some faith in yourself even though it can be difficult at times. Wishing you the best.

[MadyJohannah]

Originally Posted by Anneinside

One thing you need to do is get in touch with student disability services at your university. They can help you get accommodations in your courses with your professors. Don't wait until you get in trouble, do it now.

I never even thought of doing that. I didn't even know I could do that. WOW! I guess I wasn't thinking of bp as a disability, which, clearly, it is. That will help soooooo much. I may do that the first day of classes. Thanks a bunch!!!. I think you've just made my day. WOW!

[thinker22]

I am registered with the student disabilities center at my college. It is a good idea. It helps so much. I can get my textbooks in audio format since I have trouble focusing with reading. That and I get extra time for exams if I need them. The teachers are notified so you don't even have to explain anything to them each quarter. Some people get note taker's services. So another classmate takes notes for you.

Wishing you all the best on getting one less thing to worry about taken care of. You can get registered in the summer usually. I did it last summer, so that way you're all set before your classes even start.