I'm So Confused!!!!

Okay, I told you guys that my husband wants a divorce. I have been staying at home with my husband until I can get a job and get on my feet. Well, he has been acting very affectionate, hugging me and laying beside me when I'm watching TV, stuff like that. So my question is what the hell is going on?!?!?! I don't know if he has changed his mind or what. I'm afraid to ask him because if he tells me he still wants a divorce it will kill me! It is like it was when we first got together. Any advice on this would be greatly appreciated!

No clue.. Seems like he might have his own case of bipolar, lol. All I can tell you is that if it's going good, let it play out. If he really wants the divorce, he'll tell you again. If he doesn't, he'll tell you that too. Just see what happens. If it isn't broke, don't fix it. Right now it seems like it's working OK, so wait and see what happens before you say anything. Let HIM be the one to come to YOU. Good luck.

Amanda I think it's difficult continuing to live with someone after you have broken up, but I have done this as well in a past relationship. I think it's natural to feel confused and I don't really have any advice other than to possibly speak to a therapist. He is giving you mixed messages, but I can understand being reluctant to ask if he changed his mind.

Mixed messages.

Do you think the divorce threat was used to try to get you to change and now that you are looking for work, he is feeling secure that he is getting what he wants from you?

It is not fair for him to use threats to get what he wants.

I have wondered that myself BNL. I finally asked him if we are divorcing and he changed the subject. I don't know what to do. This is adding alot of stress on me and it's driving me crazy!

I asked my husband if he wanted me to move out and he said that he didn't know. So, I guess he is confused. Grrrr! This is killing me!

Amanda, go ahead with your life with him as it is BUT prepare for a possible divorce by looking into what you can do to take care of yourself. My husband also gave me mixed messages but chose his girlfriend. I have now been separated/divorced since 1992.

I'm with the others on this one. Continue on with searching for a job as if his announcement were true and try to steel up your emotions so you won't get crushed. Maybe that's not the best advice. We bipolars are such emotional people. I just don't want you to get hurt. You gotta take care of yourself first.

I'm holding myself back at this point. I don't want to get hurt so I'm keeping the whole divorce issue in my head. I really don't want a divorce. We have two kids together who are 9 and 7. His sister is pushing him to divorce me telling him that I'm always gonna be the way I am. I'm doing really good since my med changes. She is pissing me off talking about me. I hope he doesn't listen to her.

Hi Amanda, I have been in your shoes. I know how painful and confusing it is to get those mixed messages. Afraid to talk about it because you fear the answers.

The biggest thing I had to come to terms with I think was to decide he wasn't going to decide my future for me. I wasn't going to wait and see without knowing my own mind and acting in my own best interest. Mine and my son's since it would effect him too.

After months of my hopes rising and falling over and over at his whim I finally spoke my mind. I finally asked him straight out his intentions. He was clear about his plan to move on and had no interest in anything more than a friendship with me moving forward. He didn't want to try again. He was done. He would always love me but he couldn't live with me anymore. He needed out for his own health. I had all the answers I needed to start planning my life without him. It was painful to hear and painful to accept and hard to move forward for a while but now the hurt is gone and the friendship we share is solid and our co-parenting provides my son the stability and consistancy he needs. His parents love each other. They just can't live together. I could have fought for the marriage but deep down I knew he was right. It was time.

It sounds like you could save this marriage but I don't think wait and see will work. I think time is ticking and you need to act fast. I would talk to him again after you have thought about what it is you really want. He sounds unsure of his own mind so maybe you could persuade him to go for some counselling. He is listening to his sister so maybe he will be open to listening to a professional. If you don't press him to make up his mind his sister will do it for him. Take advantage of the time you have left in the home to influence him more then his sister seems to be.

And if you are feeling especially fearless have a chat with the sister.

If at the end of the day it is clear he wants the divorce then set some boundaries so he doesn't mess with your head anymore. I know my ex was just way too happy and carefree when the decision was made and that just killed me. In his joy he saw no problem with showing me some affection and showering me with compliments, taking me out to dinner and all sorts of other confusing behaviour. It was hard. I had to keep telling myself to remember the words and not to let myself be confused again by his actions.

Meanwhile keep on track for improving your ability to go it without him. Be prepared for anything until you are sure what is coming down the road.

Dear, you don't know what this man is gonna do. So you better be ready to take care of yourself and the children. Maybe he would go to therapy but first he said he wouldn't. And I know from experience about people listening to family. Oh, yeah, they know all the answers. He's going hot and cold. That is the reason less to trust him. Bipolars need stability and love and understanding. They give that in return. You can stay there but plan to get on your own 2 feet. I have a really bad feeling about this. Hugs, Owl.

This. Whatever happens, this is EXCELLENT advice. Excellent advice for anyone, anytime. In those times I've been able to do it, I feel a whole lot better, despite anything that is going on around me. (I'm not at all good at it, which I suppose is at least useful for the contrast(!) Probably because planning/goals is not my strong suit <cough, understatement>, but even the mindset is quite powerful, and at the very least a place to start.) But the results can be excitingly surprising!

Wishing you the very best in this, Amanda!