[Medicated]

I'm struggling to accept my new Bipolar I diagnosis. I'd been Bipolar II for a few years, but I had always thought that I was somehow immune to true mania and psychotic symptoms. Not so.

Not that labels mean much, but it means that my disease is more serious and more dangerous than previously thought.

Naturally, I'm in denial. I keep trying to convince myself that what I experienced last weekend didn't actually happen, but some memories are too vivid to forget. As manias go, it was mild, but terrifying just the same. I am grateful that although I was suffering illusions and hallucinations, I did not become delusional to the point of needing hospitalization.

So, I guess this is the new me. I've received my club card. Got my sticker. Earned my merit badge. Now I know, without a doubt, that I really am bipolar (I), and that's a tough pill for me to swallow.

I feel so... broken... defective... inferior, etc.

[BlackPup]

Originally Posted by Medicated

I'm struggling to accept my new Bipolar I diagnosis. I'd been Bipolar II for a few years, but I had always thought that I was somehow immune to true mania and psychotic symptoms. Not so.

Not that labels mean much, but it means that my disease is more serious and more dangerous than previously thought.

Naturally, I'm in denial. I keep trying to convince myself that what I experienced last weekend didn't actually happen, but some memories are too vivid to forget. As manias go, it was mild, but terrifying just the same. I am grateful that although I was suffering illusions and hallucinations, I did not become delusional to the point of needing hospitalization.

So, I guess this is the new me. I've received my club card. Got my sticker. Earned my merit badge. Now I know, without a doubt, that I really am bipolar (I), and that's a tough pill for me to swallow.

I feel so... broken... defective... inferior, etc.

Lets all get past this idea that BP1 is more severe/dangerous etc than BP2... they are labelled differently because there are differences in the patterns and types of episodes and also possible differences in response to medications... however the differences within each "type" are huge - so there are more severe and less severe forms of BP but its not nice and neat, across all forms of mood disorders - BP 1, 2, NOS, unipolar etc there are severe and more mild forms... *end rant*

Medicated: I'm really sorry to hear that you have had to go through all this and that it is making you feel so bad. It's always scary when the BP throws a new twist and turn at you... I hope that they can find meds that help to control this for you. Please don't take my rant personally - its just a pet hate of mine (having a severe case of BP2)...

[blueoctober]

I agree with what you posted BlackPup. I have been guilty of thinking BP I was worse than BP II, because the mixed episode I experienced is one of the worst experience I had with this illness, but you are absolutely right.

Medicated as far as your experience with the mania, I'm not sure what previous experiences you had and from what I remember from your posts you were on only your anti-d? If that was the case a manic or mixed episode induced by drugs prescription or otherwise will not be taken into consideration for a BP I diagnosis.

I went into a mixed episode prior to being diagnosed from anti-d's and I was diagnosed BP II. I was inpatient, so my pdoc observed the episode etc.

[Medicated]

I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with you. Both Bipolars include deep, disabling depressions. I won't argue with that.

What I will argue is the severity and dangerousness of the "ups." Last weekend my mind was racing, I was seeing things, hallucinating, hearing things, and so physically agitated that I wanted to climb the walls like spider-man. I was having the worst anxiety attack of my life. I have also been hornier than I have ever been in my life and I have damn near made some very stupid choices in relation to that. Even on heavy doses of klonopin I'm still only sleeping 3-4 hours per night, and I am still entirely unable to focus on or accomplish anything. I am MANIC. In sum, this entire experience has been nothing short of completely terrifying.

I won't say that you're not suffering. I'm sure you are. However, by definition, Bipolar I is the more severe form of the disease because it includes MANIA, which is more severe and generally more disabling and dangerous than HYPOmania.

I had been taking mood stabilizers for six years, but I recently discontinued some of them to see what my baseline would be without them. Yes, I was still taking an antidepressant - wellbutrin - which is known to have the lowest risk of causing a manic switch. I took a series of various antidepressants (including wellbutrin) for several years before the BPII diagnosis and never experienced a manic or mixed episode. This was something completely new and out-of-the-blue.

I WAS bipolar II. Now that I've had a true manic episode, I am now bipolar I. Knowing that I am capable of mania and psychosis scares me much more than the idea or experience of hypomania ever did.

Yes, they are different, but they are not equal. I appreciate the distress that bipolar II can cause a person because I've spent plenty of time there. I don't see you as being any "less" or "inferior" because I know from personal experience that your suffering is just as real.

However, we are not the same. Perhaps we will have to agree to disagree.

[BlackPup]

I won't say that you're not suffering. I'm sure you are. However, by definition, Bipolar I is the more severe form of the disease because it includes MANIA, which is more severe and generally more disabling and dangerous than HYPOmania.

True but... in BPII the depressions tend to be more often and more dangerous than in BPI...
In studies looking at time off work due to illness BPI and II were remarkably similar its just the patterns of illness were different... BP II patients on average spend a lot less time in a "normal" mood than BP I... I will conceed that in one study that I read on relative risks of suicide, there was a slightly increased risk with BP I compared to II, however it was not statistically significant...
But this doesn't mean that the change in your illness hasn't made your individual BP "more severe" or had a profound effect on your life.

[BlackPup]

Another complication.... innapropriate diagnosis... with BP becoming overdiagnoses those that are "mild" - and possibly not really BP get lumped in with BP....
I won't start ranting about how in US, some pdocs are starting to diagnose BPD as BP so they don't get sued... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
If your going to use stupid labels at least use them properly..... ok so I did start ranting after all....

[Medicated]

Originally Posted by BlackPup

Another complication.... innapropriate diagnosis... with BP becoming overdiagnoses those that are "mild" - and possibly not really BP get lumped in with BP....
I won't start ranting about how in US, some pdocs are starting to diagnose BPD as BP so they don't get sued... grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
If your going to use stupid labels at least use them properly..... ok so I did start ranting after all....

I actually had the opposite happen to me. When I was hospitalized for depression last fall, they decided that I was actually BPD, not BPII. Turns out they were quite wrong.

[BlackPup]

Originally Posted by Medicated

I actually had the opposite happen to me. When I was hospitalized for depression last fall, they decided that I was actually BPD, not BPII. Turns out they were quite wrong.

That would suck too.....

[Lauru]

Originally Posted by Medicated

I'm struggling to accept my new Bipolar I diagnosis. I'd been Bipolar II for a few years, but I had always thought that I was somehow immune to true mania and psychotic symptoms. Not so.

Not that labels mean much, but it means that my disease is more serious and more dangerous than previously thought.

Naturally, I'm in denial. I keep trying to convince myself that what I experienced last weekend didn't actually happen, but some memories are too vivid to forget. As manias go, it was mild, but terrifying just the same. I am grateful that although I was suffering illusions and hallucinations, I did not become delusional to the point of needing hospitalization.

So, I guess this is the new me. I've received my club card. Got my sticker. Earned my merit badge. Now I know, without a doubt, that I really am bipolar (I), and that's a tough pill for me to swallow.

I feel so... broken... defective... inferior, etc.

Medicated, infinite hugs to you.

I too started out with bipolar II and then suffered a mania that put me in the hospital with delusions. Now I have bipolar I and I too am having a hard time handling it. It sucks ***** and I also feel broken and hopeless. Somehow I have to believe everyone else that says we are not, we are ok just the way we are, and that this terrible illness can be managed.

[WendyAussie]

Medicated, I have also had a diagnosis of Bipolar II changed to Bipolar I. And my current doctor didn't even register that there was a big issue in the new label - and he is a very good and caring psych - the best I've had - incliding as a diagnostician and with the meds.

But I think that part of the problem with all this is that these labels, otherwise known as diagnoses are very fluid. Every edition of the DSM will have massive shifts in labels, manifestations of the various labels, treatment, you name it. So today I may have one disease and tomorrow if there is a new edition of the DSM I may have another. So while getting the right diagnosis helps, getting the meds right for our OWN individual conditions is the really important thing.

I flipped out when I heard the new diagnosis of Bipolar 1, but the reality is that I had the same condition/s that I did the day before.

I also have a view and several clincians have supported this, that Bipolar I and Bipolar II are not distinct, separate illnesses. Rather there is a pole (excuse the pun) between them where any of us might sit. Well that's ovious even on a single diagnosis of any mental illness - there can be very mild versions of major depression for example, and versions that are so sever that people take their lives.

Of course on top of all of this, Bipolar per se is SUCH a complex illness, way outside the undersatnding of "normies", family, friends, employers, wider society - andn frankly, even the best psychiatrists - we are so early in the path to real understanding. The vast majority think Bipolar is about being "up" or "down". IF ONLY. And any Beeper really understands what I mean by "IF ONLY". Mixes states, rapid cycling, panic and anxiety, psychosis, paranoia and of course the ideation and actual suicidality. It's a very cruel illness. It has taken absolutely everything from me.

That's just my thoughts - everyone's thoughts are valid.

[WendyAussie]

Oh, and as well as Bipolar and Panic and Anxiety Disorders I have PTSD and OCD. I think all these disorders blend into each other to some extent - I don't think our brains have specific compartments for each of them - they all interrelated somehow. But the good news is that I'm a sober alcoholic - 11 years sober in AA - at least I've found a definitive solution to that onel!! lol

[BNLsMOM]

My diagnosis has changed so many times... Bipolar 2, Bipolar 1, Maybe not bipolar at all, Paranoid schizophrenia has been tossed around, as of right now, my p-nurse says, "definitely somewhere on the bipolar spectrum" whatever that means.

All I know is that I haven't found quite the right med combo. I do want to know exactly what I am dealing with here, but until my meds are right, I suppose it doesn't matter.

[vjdragonfly]

To be honest I don't know which one I am. My doc has never said and honestly at times I really wonder if I am bipolar. A part of me sees the mood shifts and I stay depressed alot. Last summer I went through I mood change that really freaked me out. I was happy which was really cool, but I fantasized about vampires (embarressed to say) to an overly state of really researching it and getting into this so called vampire realm. I won't go into great details but I know when I told my pdoc about it she changed my meds and said it was from the bipolar. Is this a Manic or hypomanic state. I'm really confused about the two. Next time I go see my pdoc I intend to ask more questions about my illness. But after reading some of these posts I really have to wonder where I sit.

[Anneinside]

Originally Posted by vjdragonfly

overly state of really researching it and getting into this

I have hypomania and get caught up in one thing usually and spend all my time on it, whether it is learning something, a new hobby or just 20 long sleeve, v-neck tops. Once the hypomania fades, the interest or desire ends.

[WendyAussie]

Anne, for me it is an obsession with fleezy zipper jackets, It is very cold here so that's my excuse!!

[Trippin2.0]

When I'm hypomanic, I research whatever topic I'm obsessed with over the internet. Differences and origin of religion, conspiracy theories, ancient civilisations, vampires,mysticism, and even luciferians and satanism (I'm a Jesus freak myself tho) currently it's the psyche of serial killers... IDK wot inspires the topics, I just suddenly need to know as much as possible about whatever,until the interest dissapears along with my hypomania. Didn't know others went through the same spells... Thanx

[thinker22]

The psych nurse practitioner who saw me from summer '08 - summer '09 eventually diagnosed me with bipolar II. Shortly thereafter, I went into a 9 week manic episode. The p-doc I saw in Aug '09 diagnosed me with bipolar I. I didn't really care about either label. Basically I get long periods of depression and short periods of hypomania or mania. Longer mixed episodes too. To me, one's not worse than the other, but I definitely hate mixed episodes where I'm depressed but have the impulsivity and energy to do myself harm. I suppose being type I has more risks, but the longer periods of depression without much relief sucks if you're type II. So I don't wish either on anyone. I feel for the plight of everyone and as someone said, there are varying degrees of severity within each diagnosis. A mild case would be nice. I just feel so fortunate to finally be on a combo of meds that relieves my symptoms. Side effects are minimal too. Feel a little spacey, but it's not too bad. to you for your ongoing battle. I know you're in the hospital right now. Get well soon.

[WendyAussie]

Thinker, I relate to how your illness manifests, I think I'm similar. Mixed states and rapid cycling FUN aren't they??

[ellyb]

[QUOTE=Anneinside;1469527]
For me it's spreadsheets, and I don't even know how to use them properly. Used to be tables.