Second guessing myself........anyone relate?

I haven't spoken to my parents since May. I don't want to go into details of my childhood because I know it can be a trigger for some and I just don't feel like posting all the crap. I have spent many a therapy session discussing it. I will just say that I had a brutal childhood. As some of you know my mom has been diagnosed since I was young. My dad isn't diagnosed, but isn't a nice person......not to say my mom isn't nice because of her diagnosis, she would have been the person she is whether she was diagnosed or not; the bp just could intensify it. Anyways, I am an adult now (35 in October) and I got tired of forcing myself to see them. My parents still live in the same home that I grew up in and just being there causes anxiety.....just driving in their neighbourhood causes anxiety. After seeing them I would have an anxiety attack in the middle of the night and would instantly vomit....yes I know gross.

In May nothing really happened, I was just having a hard time with my meds and I just got tired of putting on the facade that everything was okay between us. I know my parents are upset about it and do still e-mail me and make the odd phone call. They are older, but they can still be major boneheads. To paint a picture of what my mom can be like while in the hospital I commented on how stressed I was (I was on the lock down ward for a week) and my mom's response was "well think how stressful it has been on us".

I confronted them while in the hospital about the abuse I suffered and my mom mocked me and my dad laughed at me, so discussing the subject isn't going to resolve anything.

I guess what I'm struggling with is the guilt. I see "normal" families and I wish I could have that, but I don't. I am also scared that I will regret this decision when they pass. Just wanted to know if anyone else can relate and to just get some support because I have been struggling.

It is not your fault that your parents are not willing to work through the past. I understand the need for this so you yourself can move on. Unfortunately they are going to be stuck in there ways. I had issues with my dad that are still not resolved, but my T worked me through excepting it for what it is and to let go. I know you have mentioned EMDR, have you tried this with resolving issues with your parents. I really found the EMDR to be very helpful. Don't blame yourself for not wanting to be around them. You need a supportive structure and it doesn't sound like they are willing to give that to you. Sometimes you have to do what is best for you.

[quote=blueoctober;1472773]I haven't spoken to my parents since May. I don't want to go into details of my childhood because I know it can be a trigger for some and I just don't feel like posting all the crap. I have spent many a therapy session discussing it. I will just say that I had a brutal childhood. As some of you know my mom has been diagnosed since I was young. My dad isn't diagnosed, but isn't a nice person......not to say my mom isn't nice because of her diagnosis, she would have been the person she is whether she was diagnosed or not; the bp just could intensify it. Anyways, I am an adult now (35 in October) and I got tired of forcing myself to see them. My parents still live in the same home that I grew up in and just being there causes anxiety.....just driving in their neighbourhood causes anxiety. After seeing them I would have an anxiety attack in the middle of the night and would instantly vomit....yes I know gross.

Blue, Baby, Blue (if that bothers you, let me know, its from a song I love although I love Blue October (the group) as well and get the reference)

I also do not have Ward and June Cleaver as parents. My father is a pedophiliac and my mom beat me with anything within reaching distance. I used to have to wear long pants to church in the summer so no one would see the welts on my legs (Joan Crawford wasn't the only one who liked coathangers). When speaking with a childhood friend this summer, she recounted a memory of watching my mother chase me around the house beating me with a high heeled shoe while my grandmother continued to crochet. When I had my first suicide attempt at the age of 12, my grandmother concluded that I was just seeking attention. When my mom got home from her night shift, she found me unconcious in the bathroom in a pool of my own vomit. Thankfully, she was a medical professional and had the wisdom to call 911 to get the charcoal and four point restraint treatment for me. When I got home, I was beaten again for all the stress that I had put my family through.
Just as a side note, I was standing in the vestibule of my church looking at all the phamplets advertising self-help groups that are held at my church. One was for "Adult Children of Dysfunctional Families". I started laughing out loud (couldn't help myself) wondering where they were going to construct the stadium to seat all those who qualify!
Now 40 years old, I have come to accept that we have two families, those who donated their genetics to us and those we choose to provide the love, support and validation that any kid or adult needs to develop into a functional member of society. I hate that these two families do not consist of the same people in my life or in yours. Yet at some point, no matter how we wish, pray, argue, holler, send smoke signals, carrier pigeons or even engage in facilitated mediation; sometimes our familes of origin are just not willing or able to make the changes that would benefit them as well as ourselves.
Mom doesn't beat me anymore and I have an ammicable relationship with her but can only spend so much time with her before she begins polluting my recovery with her dysfunction. I have had to let go of my father due to a story I outlined in another post (one which I think you read, if not, I will be happy to repeat THAT story). So, now my family consists of a couple people at church, a few people from my support groups, one of my two daughters, a few people from alanon and a couple of supportive friends. However, come Thanksgiving, it is so depressing heating up my Hungry Man frozen turkey dinner and eating alone. No one ever said that life was easy but does it really have to be so difficult?
Again, you are not alone. I hope you can find some comfort in that notion.
Praying for you,
ptk

I believe the concept of obligation to liking/getting on with family (biological or not) is vastly overrated. You choose friends, not family.

I agree with the others. You need to do what's best for yourself. If your family berates you and continually ignores or denies the harm they caused you, there is no chance for reconciliation. My family recognizes to a degree the harm they caused me and my brother by the beatings they gave us because the church said they were supposed to "beat the will" out of us so we'd obey and be "good." But they try to never talk about it. My mom just says if she had known better, she wouldn't have done things the same way...very vaguely.

It's best to stay away from them if they cause you so much anxiety and the whole environment stirs up things from your past. You can forgive a person and get on with your life if you never come in contact with them, but if they continue to do the same old things that hurt you every time you deal with them, how can you move on? Give yourself a break from them and think over a new strategy. I visit my parents and extended relatives about twice a year. I live in a different state, thankfully. I always come home in bad shape and have to recover. I go for them, not for me. It's sad, but it's really hard to cut ties with people, especially when they're trying to make up for all the bad things they did in the past. People who don't stop hurtful behavior though, even if they are your parents, don't deserve your time, energy, or emotions.

Take good care of yourself. That's your primary job in life.

Thanks for your response dragonfly. Yes that's what I used the EMDR session for to work through a very traumatic abusive incident with my dad. It did help, and I don't recall it as often anymore.

Thanks for your response PTK and no the nick name doesn't bother me yes my name is reference to the band. Your post really hit home for me and I thank you for sharing your experiences.

Thank-you ellyb you are soooo right!

Thank-you for your post thinker. This is what I was struggling with.

blue: I haven't spoken to my biological mother in probably almost 20 years...won't either. And I can say now that I don't feel guilty anymore and I don't feel anything...I stayed away long enough that she's just some person I used to know. I don't know if that will help, but it might be worth a try :

Thanks PT52. My friend hasn't spoken to his mom either and told me the same thing.

I'm really sorry about your family, it is more horrible than I can imagine (all of you that have shared...)
I guess I just want to shatter the idea of a "normal" family. I know some very lucky people who have had loving parents but when you scratch the surface, they are very few - and they too have their challenges - but so many grow up in apparently "normal" happy families where under the surface all kinds of crap is hidden...
I'm not saying that it compares to what you experienced - you have every right to wish for a better family and you should grieve the loss, but I want to take the pressure off this idea of "normal," as my friend says "all families are psycho"
As for the staying away... do what you can to survive. You will know when you are ready to deal with it.

i agree with the others dont talk and dont go to meet stress and pain i think sometimes we should be selfesh to save ourselves ,they dont and they will not understand

Thanks for you response Blackpup. I was referring to "normal" in quotations because I agree that every family has issues, but I just wish I had a family that was supportive. I am single and was single when I was diagnosed and yes my friends can be great, but it would have been nice to have someone to lean on when I was unwell. For me that has never been my family, but I guess part of me wants that every time the bottom falls out of my life. If that makes sense?

Thanks for your response REINE D AMOUR. I agree.

I am so sorry about your childhood, blue & others, but I am sure you already know that all those "normal" families are probably not as "normal" as you think. It was funny (sort of) that when I recently contacted my half-sister I have never met on facebook we both admitted to being jealous of the families in which the other was raised. Once we talked about our childhood & families in detail, all of that went away. Neither one of our families was "normal"!!

Blue, as far as you seeing your parents, you have tried to open up to them & maybe improve things but they are not cooperating. I know it is really sad but you have to take care of yourself first & foremost. They are not good for you & apparently aren't going to make any effort to fix that. If you still have some things to say to them, write a letter to cleanse your heart & get it all out where they can see it whether they choose to read it or not. Tell them everything you want them to know. Maybe you will be able to go on doing what is best for you if there is nothing left unsaid.

And PTK, maybe you can get together with friends for Thanksgiving. You probably already know some who won't have family plans. If you are like me, inviting people to my house for dinner is waaaaaay too stressful but maybe you could each bring a dish so no one has to do it all. I sure hope you have a better one this year. Sometimes I laugh a lot between my brother, my son & my nephew (both my parents have been gone a long time) & sometimes I just can't wait to get home so I can breathe.

This disorder is exhausting. We have to watch out for us!

By the way - I am the QUEEN of second-guessing!!

((((blue))))) Resolving issues with family is tricky business at the best of times. It takes both sides to be willing and able to take the journey together. You can't know what the future holds but right now it seems they are not ready to acknowledge or own the abuse they inflicted on you. Continuing to deny is continuing the abuse. You don't have to be a participant anymore.

I know it is worrisome that if you can't find resolution they may pass and you will feel regrets. Again, you can't predict the future nor can you bring them to the table if they aren't willing to participate. The letter is a good idea. Even if you don't send it you can benefit from writing it. If you don't want to send it burn it and while it burns imagine it taking your pain away with it.

We all need people we can lean on. Sometimes we are fortunate enough to have our biological family to support us through the hard times. Even that is tricky because causing people you love to worry is heartbreaking. My dad is in his 80's and recently he has almost been obsessive with worry about me and that is hard for me to handle. I appreciate his support but at the same time I hate that he spends so much time worrying about me. Seems we can't win for loosing sometimes hey Blue.

I hope you are able to find some peace about this. You can only do so much hun. Resolution can come in many forms. I have confidence you will find your way to the peace. Blessings.

Huggs to all who have suffered abuse at the hands of those charged to love and nurture you. I wish you all well.

Thanks for taking the time to respond DJ. I agree a letter can be very cleansing. It was an exercise I did during an intensive therapy program and it did help, so thanks for the reminder.

Thanks sanityseeker, your post really hit home for me.

I don't think I will ever get to the point that I'm a 100% ok with my decision, but I think at this point I need to honor my feelings and put myself first instead of always considering my parents feelings.......lord knows they never put my feelings first.

Thanks everyone who responded and I hope it didn't trigger anyone.

That's absolutely right! They never put you first so you must do it no matter what. Continue to hope for the day when things can be better between you but don't sacrifice your healing beating a dead horse.

Nothing is forever so keep honouring your feelings and let the healing continue and the rest will take care of itself.

Thanks Sanityseeker you are awesome!

No.... you are awesome!! LOL