[blueoctober]

I thought I was just feeling lazy today (I'm on a day off), but I recognize that the depression has creeped back in. I was having issues with going too high with the new mood stabilizer and my P-doc had reduced my anti-d (wellbutrin) to 100 mg. The issue with that is the XL form doesn't come in anything smaller than 150mg and the pharmacy only had 100 mg in the generic form. I got my P-doc to call in my previous prescription on Friday (back on 150mg XL), but I don't think I caught it soon enough.

I noticed that I look different. I look depressed. My eyes look dead. Does anyone else experience that or am I being critical about how I look because I'm feeling depressed?

[PT52]

I feel like I look a whole lot older...all wrinkly and saggy..I hate the way I look when I'm depressed..

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by PT52

I feel like I look a whole lot older...all wrinkly and saggy..I hate the way I look when I'm depressed..

Yeah I feel like a look 10 years older.

[BNLsMOM]

I look older and tired when I am depressed. Someone recently told me that my skin even looks grey and pale when I am depressed.

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by BNLsMOM

Someone recently told me that my skin even looks grey and pale when I am depressed.

Yes that's what my skin looks like......it's a cruel joke, not only am I depressed, but I look like a bag of s***.

[Travelinglady]

Yes, I look different, too--as the other people say. The eyes DO say a lot--"the windows of the soul." People who are happy (and even manic?) have that bright-eyed look.....Sorry you're looking in the mirror and seeing that. Hope the brighter eyes return soon....

ABSOLUTELY! Not only do I have the "dead eye" thing going on and basically no expression, but even faking a "smile" it is sooo flippin' obvious. It's that I can't really move my face. That's the big thing visible from the outside. Inside I feel like my head is a skull and that my eyes are set way back in. I "feel" --to to the point of being convinced-- that other people can see that, though obviously they can't. Still, I get super self-conscious about it. Like... "don't look at me, you'll see my skull eyes!". Part of the self-consciousness thing is that I'm mortified anyone will ask what is wrong with me. How on earth could I possibly explain my state of mind?

[blueoctober]

Innerzone; I totally relate to the feeling that people "know" when they look at me that I'm depressed.

[laur88]

When I'm depressed I don't even pay attention to what I look like so I've never noticed. I'm really good at hiding that I'm depressed (or at least I think I am - my fake smile and laugh are pretty legit) so maybe that's why I don't notice a change in how I look. What I do notice is that the world around me looks different. It's like everything is gray and colors are muted or darker...

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by laur88

I'm really good at hiding that I'm depressed (or at least I think I am - my fake smile and laugh are pretty legit

Yes I'm good at the facade especially at work, and around people I know, but on my own time and by myself that crumbles.

I hope this depression doesn't last or get any worse. I'm scared and I feel horrible. I wish I hadn't gone off the wellbutrinXL.

[WendyAussie]

One of the four psych ward stays I had they took a Polaroid of me and clipped it to the file. At some stage during the stay I saw the photo the right way up. OMG. I never would have believed I could look like that. I really looked like a dying person, I can't even put into words how I looked. The clinician suddenly realised I could see the photo and the look on my face as I looked at it and snatched it away and said, "Don't look at that".

On another tack, I am overweight, partially due to meds. A lot of the time I shower and dress for the day and except for the occasional time I see myself in a shop window and cringe at my size, I don't seem to put much thought into it. But when I am sick - Whooa! I say terrible things to myself like you're a big fat pig, you're worthless because you are fat, you will NEVER meet a nice man because no man would want you. It just goes to show - don't listen to your head when you're unwell - just treat your thoughts as light entertainment!! lol

[littlepieceofheaven]

I am so glad that you brought this up. I have been thinking about this a lot latley. I feel so UGLY when I am depressed. Sometimes when I am really depressed or having a mixed episode I don't even reconize myself. It is almost like looking into a mirror and there is no one looking back at you. Does that ever happen to anyone?

My therapist says he can tell how I'm doing just by observing my affect before I even get into his office. In the hospital they take notes on your affect as it is indicative of how you are really doing.

[PT52]

Yes that's what my skin looks like......it's a cruel joke, not only am I depressed, but I look like a bag of s***.

Yeah, and then someone tells you to snap out of it..

[farmgirl]

I feel like I look exhausted, like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders. Recently I started to feel a whole lot better and the nurse said "wow you even look different to me, I can see in your eyes that you feel alot better" I hope the depression doesn't last long for you either.

[cocos421]

My old therapist and my new pdoc can tell when I am depressed and when I feel good. They'll tell me that I look good or look depressed. I feel so ugly when depressed. No matter ho much I try to put on make-up and do my hair, I still feel ugly and my hair always feels flat and greasy. And it shows in my eyes. I just look like s***. I feel fat too, because I crave carbs, and eat them. And I usually don't try too much to look good, because I stay at home all day, because I don't work, so I wear sweats, and if I have to go out, I'll wear the sweatpants and a baggy sweatshirt, with my greasy looking hair, and run out to the grocery store. I hate depression.

[Shen]

If its a bad day and I should happen to catch my reflection in a mirror purely by accident (for I try to avoid them at all costs on my worst days) I always give myself a little fright. I wonder who the grey skinned, dark dead-like eyes, palid complexion and very sad mouth belongs to. Its so sad really. So, I do try to avoid looking if possible.

But on good days.. I tend to become a little vain and look a bit more often. It helps to make up for the bad days views I do wish there were more days like that.

I do try a little trick out now though, and it helps a little on some days. I decided I looked particularly ugly on one of my bad days a while ago, so I took a photo of myself looking bad and sticking my tongue out. (I think the view is even up my nostrils a bit... grose I know.) I even named it "Butt Ugly". Now, when I get a "down day" and Im feeling grose about myself, I pull out "Butt Ugly" and do a comparison. And most of the time, I actually look at it and think - "yeah, you know what, I dont look too bad today after all".

Sounds daft but give it a go... It might work a little for you too!

[Shen]

Originally Posted by laur88

When I'm depressed I don't even pay attention to what I look like so I've never noticed. I'm really good at hiding that I'm depressed (or at least I think I am - my fake smile and laugh are pretty legit) so maybe that's why I don't notice a change in how I look. What I do notice is that the world around me looks different. It's like everything is gray and colors are muted or darker...

Wow I thought it was just me that thinks the world looks different on a bad day. I always see everything as though it has a dark blacky blue haze over the top of it all. Like reality has been covered in a dark muslin. And normal life seems to go by in as though its all daydream, sort of in quiet slow motion.

[laur88]

Originally Posted by Shen

Wow I thought it was just me that thinks the world looks different on a bad day. I always see everything as though it has a dark blacky blue haze over the top of it all. Like reality has been covered in a dark muslin. And normal life seems to go by in as though its all daydream, sort of in quiet slow motion.

Exactly!!

I definitely eat a lot more when I'm depressed but I've never thought about how fat I feel when I'm depressed - in retrospect, I do feel fat when I'm depressed. Yuck.

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by cocos421

my hair always feels flat and greasy. And it shows in my eyes. I just look like s***. I feel fat too, because I crave carbs, and eat them.

My hair gets super dry when I'm depressed unless I have anxiety as well then my hair is greasy....so weird.

I was on the carb train all day Sunday and Monday. It's our mind playing tricks on us. It's screaming for those "feel good" chemicals and high fat, high sugar and/ or high carb foods give that instant fix, but then it drops soon after. It can be a never ending cycle.

[WendyAussie]

Beth, I too hasve thr emotional esting. I'm on 800mg Seroquel so you can imagine how hungry I get 24/7 - even the middle of the night. Lithium has also stuffed up my thyroid and the meds to fix that don't work so my metabolism is slower.

But on top of that, like you, when I am under intense pressure, very sad or clinically Bilolar depressed or in panic and anxiety I eat the carbs, sugard and fat more than usual. It sucks.

[BlackPup]

definitely feel like i look different, and agree with everything looking duller, eyes less sparkly, smile not right... maybe we could have a computer program with facial recognition take the place of pdocs!!!!

[blueoctober]

Wendyaussie, I had the weirdest food cravings on seroquel. I constantly craved pancakes and sausages! Emotional eating does suck......I alternated between that and shopping and neither works!

[sanityseeker]

I am sure I look different though I seldom look at myself so maybe it is just a feeling for me. I can feel my face sagging low from top to bottom. When forced I can pull it all up and even feel my eyes sparkle to avoid anyone saying 'are you okay?.... you look aweful!'

I also use smiling as a kind of therapy. It lifts my spirits to put a smile on my face. When I notice how lifeless my face is feeling I consciously put some life into it and hold that smile so I can see things differently for a while.

[MadyJohannah]

I have been on (steady) meds for almost two months now and I feel soooo much better. My mom says not only do I act like a totally different person, that I look totally different as well. I don't have a permanent scowl on my face and she says there is actually some life to my eyes and I smile a lot more than I used to. I knew that maybe some people would comment on my personality, but to tell me that I look different and better now kinda blew me away. I had no idea.