[gow13]

I go to my spiritual classes and feel great. Then I use my meditation and nuture nature. Then I end up so depressed latter the next day or week or whatever. I take my meds everyday, I try to be upbeat and take walks, I listen to happy music, I try to stay away from the lifetime network. Yet still I picture ways to die, I just keep feeling how tired of life I am, nothing makes me feel happy or even anything but sad, or angry. How can I be a mother and wife? I want the darkness and peace of the nothingness death will be. I've had near death experiences and I felt peace for the first time.

You ask how you can be a wife and mother. Well, just like you are. You are trying your best, and that is all anyone can do. Everyone has "stuff". Am I saying it's just no big deal? Not at all! Just that it's a really hard thing to keep in perspective. And it doesn't help that we are barraged with media portrayals and a whole lot of masks. You know, the whole thing about what looks perfect on the outside often is far from. Yet, because it "appears" that way, it can make us feel we're just not hitting the mark. And that's just "real" life!

Where to even start with media and universally promulgated ideas?! Again with the appearance of perfection, idealism -- and we're meant to think of these as the norm. Ha! A whole lot of what "should be" being thrown at us there! (I'm not familiar with the Lifetime network, but do know that I haven't watched tv in quite some time. Realized that I was feeling really inferior *despite* intellectually realizing I was watching unreality!)

You are doing many good things and for that, congratulations! That can be so hard to remember when feeling so frustrated. Have you talked with your Pdoc about possibly adjusting your meds? It really can make a big difference. I so relate to your description, yet with much better suited meds, so much of it now feels like a distant memory. Forget? No, but not enveloped in, feeling like a hostage and that it is a permanent state of affairs and that is a huge huge difference. Wishing the very best for you. It can happen. Please keep us posted, ok? I've found this a very caring place and am so glad you found it!

[Gus1234U]

dear Gow,, that feeling of darkness and heaviness is just there for balance, i believe. accept it, and it will cease to be a burden. live is bipolar, the dance of the stars is bipolar, all things that arise , desist. please don't act on any impulses to disappear yourself,,, we are eternal beings, and the suffering must be overcome , it cannot be escaped. hope you come to chats,, or PM me, or look me up somehow,, would love to talk more with you. Gus