[midnight_soul]

I feel as if I am out of time and honestly, I "think" I want to be admitted. I am so afraid of how my husband will react. He won't be mean or any thing but it will put another burdon on him financially. He loves me so much and has told me he wishes I could just stay home but if I feel I can't be trusted then he will take me. Here's the thing, I have been in so much physical and emotional pain that admitinly I take more meds than I am suppose to take. I do this because it numbs me some what and if I go in THEY have all the control of my meds and I am already so addicted to the dosage I am taking I'm afraid of withdrawl which by the way will indicate my little secret. I fear they will take me off the meds I want and put me om crap that won't make my physical pain tolorable etc.

I am so afraid of hospitals and staff etc. I have seen many various doctors over that past year alone and have had multiple surgeries. My mind is so broken, I just feel numb lately. I have no intrest in anything at all.

I do not have custody of my beautiful children, they are almost 700 miles away from me. I am missing out on so much in their lives. My ex has a veryt powerful and rich family of Attorneys so I didn't stand a chance when I left him 6 years ago of keeping the kids. That's such a long story....but it is a major part of my depression. I know this is wrong but I wish they HATED him, and all those who are raising them and beg to come to me. But where they are they have the best that money can buy, golf lessons for the boys, soccer for my little girl and so much more. I can barely pay the child support let alone buying them little things once in a while like I want just to let them know mommy loves them. They always tell me I dont have to give them gifts, they love me very much but they cry for me.

I can't type here what I need to talk about but I need my husband to help me. I have no energy for anything, I hate being alone but at the same time I in a sick twisted way I like it because then no one can see me or hear me cry. I don't have to put on a "front I'm fine" when I am alone.

I feel sad, empty, ugly, drained of life and so much more. I took some meds and I am gettimg tired so I am going to take a nap now. No worries, I just took an extra pain pill that's all. Hell, I don't know what I want to do really. For now....just sleep and sleep and sleep.

[Chompers]

i think you are making the right decision.

[Miss Laura]

Hey Mid_night soul,

I am so sorry its all gotten worse for you. I am wanting to cry for you so much. You have been nice to me and I hope you get better so we can bounce off each other again

I hope you do the right thing and go into hospital. I will be thinking of you and waiting for a bright PM from you

I wish you all the luck in the world.... even though I hate physical contact HUGS!!!!! A big huge gigantic hug with a few tissues throwen in

Lots of love

xxxxxxxx

[madisgram]

midnight, i think you already know what's best for you to do. i read it in your post. going ahead to admit yourself means that you would be that much closer to your feeling better! that is a good thing!
if having your 'other' pills is all that's stopping you, they can help you with that. (our bodies develop such a tolerance and it begins that vicious cycle of needing more just to feel ok, numbing ourselves, then even more pills to feel the same, etc.) you would need medical guidance anyway to wean you safely. if you do go, i hope you will be honest with them about the 'pills'. if you don't get what u're accustomed to taking, it could cause a seizure. not to worry bout that...they know how to wean you safely and you'll be free of that reliance. cause it's just gonna cause another prob if you don't address it anyway. you have enough to deal with as it is.
your hubby loves you and wants to see you get better. so don't lose sight of what you are trying to do here...to get help.
the hosp. is a safe place providing you with the time to sort out what bothers you without distraction. it takes away all those day to day concerns so we can focus without being overwhelmed.
i'm a mom too tho my children are grown. your mentioning your heartache over not seeing your children often would make any mom sad. i totally can understand how painful that is. it happened to me. at the hosp. you could address how much it hurts and let the tears flow rather than numbing yourself and holding it at bay. a person can hold up under those circumstances just so long. i know. i was once where you are now!
i went in because i was at an all time bottom. i had no hope that i could live with such anguish. i had no hope at all that even someone could help me! well someone, my pdoc and T, did!!! my whole outlook of my life slowly changed. it took work, emotional work, and i knew i had to go thru it to get to the solution. but i also knew i was safe at the hosp. and my docs cared and wanted to help me.
you can do that too, midnight. just take small do-able steps to regain your life. i really care. i hope my post doesn't upset you. i just feel like i've met my 'twin'. so much going on with you rings so true of me once. take some of my hopeand start your journey of healing. i am not going to sugarcoat anything but i do know you deserve more in your life.
justme, but i'll be saying prayers for you. my prayer in the hosp. got anwered and i believe it can for you too.
ps sorry for the l-oooong post.

[blueoctober]

midnight_soul; I hope you are feeling better or you have gone to the hospital. Please keep us posted. I'm worried about you.

[sugahorse1]

pls do what you know is right-take time out, let your body and mind heal in the hospital, under the care of others.

Thinking of you xx

[PT52]

midnight..hope everything is better soon..

Originally Posted by midnight_soul

I feel as if I am out of time and honestly, I "think" I want to be admitted.

I think you said it all here. If you even "think" it's time, it's definitely time. Do not worry about anything else, this is too important, and so are you!

(((((((midnight)))))))