[widgets]

This doesnt feel like my normal depression. I just want to scream, go outside and walk for miles, i just want to get away from my home, but every place i think of to go, i dont want to be there either. I'm starting to think bad thoughts and have been self harming.
I'm on no medication cause my doc thinks i have bipolar so need to get dx before i can be on any meds. i left my job, cause i was depressed, got a new one, started 2weeks ago. realised at least in my old job my employers understood my condition. I am not telling my new employers about it, i just dont feel comfortable to.
I find myself just getting up going to work, my work is in front of a huge, bridge, i keep getting so wound up, i'm trying to stop myself from crying, i just wanna walk out and hump off it. the feeling is ]so strong, its never been this strong before (except when i actually tried to kill myself, but that felt different to this, calmer and controlled) i'm at home now. And i CAN NOT stand the thought of the pressure i have to go in, i am like rubber, if u push it against a wall, it wont resist your pushing it will just kind of jump out, (i know what i mean) i cant take a day off, i have to keep going in, but they keep asking, "are you ok?" when i am trying my best to keep it from them, but find it impossible to hold a coversation with them.
i am angry and irritated and hate myself.
i feel completely MANIC.. I CANT STOP MY HEAD THINKING AND GOING AND I NEED TO SAY THIS SO BADLY.
and my stepdad just tried to talk to me nicely and i totally snapped at him. i cant go to any friends, cause one they dont deserve to have to put up with me in this terrible state and 2... i dont know..
i'm trying to hide all this from my mum cause, my last really bad state i wasnt living with her and she worried sick and then i moved back on to ease my money pressure and that and she just hates the fact i have this, and she is absolutely **** in regards to peoples feelings.
as much as we love each other, she has no concept of what i am going through.
what do i do?
i know no one can answer. Or at least, you're not going to give me the answer i wasnt. but i dnt even know what answer i want, i just need to get the 3 billion things that are in my head OUT OF MY HEAD. i want to be OUT OF MY HEAD.
vodka? that sounds good, but i know i shouldn't!

[widgets]

and i know this is disgusting, but i keep gagging cause i feel so much at the moment and i cant stop it, or catergorise it, or understand it..

[blueoctober]

widgets;I would suggest contacting the pdoc and request an emergency appointment. If you can't get in to see the pdoc soon, get an appointment with your GP. If you feel you're a danger to yourself please go to the ER.

I know it's difficult to reach out for help, but you would be there for your friends if they were going through the same thing. We all need someone to lean on and suffering in silence isn't healthy. I hope you start feeling better soon and please keep us posted.

[BlackPup]

wish there was something to say to make it better... like Beth says, reach out to your doctors and if possible to the people that you trust. We are here for you to talk to, to vent and let out all the frustrations. We do understand something of what you are going through, because although every one is different we have all had our own struggles and know what it is like to be out of control, so don't be afraid we won't judge you or be shocked.
When the pressure gets to much at work, I escape to the toilet or take a walk around the building, just to try and get under control. Try practicing mini meditations where you focus on only your breathing for a minute or even 30 secs, the more you practice the more you can do it when you need to.
Love and best wishes, keep on going, it will get better.

[sugahorse1]

Is there a park you can go for a walk? As hard as it sounds, you need to focus your attention on something other than your emotions. Play a computer game - it often works for me. Is there one friend you can speak to? Can you make an appointment with a therapist to discuss your feelings?
Put pressure on a pdoc to get an appointment ASAP!
We're here for you; please be strong and ride this through