[lockbox]

I haven't been officially diagnosed as bip, but I am having a horrible experience right now.

Yesterday I was sobbing on the floor feeling like I wanted to disappear for ever. I was actually thinking about the detailed letter I would leave behind for everyone I love to read.

I wasn't thinking about suicide, I just didn't want to exist anymore.

Have you ever felt like that?

Then, just a little bit later, I visualized a senario in my head where I imagined myself taking an ax and destroying everything I owned. I even play "air" ax (think air guitar) at one point and swung my arms just to see what it would feel like. I have never had an actual moment of physical rage before. It was very strange.

Now today, I have already cried twice, the time of day is irrelevant to me. And I toyed with the ax visualization again, only this time I pictured myself giggling as I was destroying everything!

Has anyone experienced this before?!? What the heck is going on!!!??!?

[sugahorse1]

Mixed episode I'd imagine. Usually followed by by true mania or depression. Speak to your pdoc ASAP as your meds are not helping.
You're experiencing parts of mania and depression simultaneously and it can be dangerous. The "air axe" part is the mania - you are indestructible (possible psychosis) and the crying the depression part. I don't in the least envy you, and luckily I only had a minor version a few days ago, but you really need to be careful, need support and your meds tweaked
Thinking of you

[blueoctober]

lockbox; are you seeing a pdoc? Are you currently on psychiatric and/or any other meds? I would recommend you contact your pdoc (if you have one), if you don't have a pdoc go to your gp and ask for a referral. If you feel you are a danger to yourself or others please don't hesitate to go to the ER.

[lockbox]

I am NOT on anything. I tried to get help two months ago - 10 hours of testing with no final results because I got dropped by my insurance. I have not been diagnosed and have no gp. Are there any other options?

[sugahorse1]

A GP needs to give you a referal to a psychiatrist.
You may be able to see a councellor/psychologist and they can refer you?
Where I am, it is fairly simple. We can pretty much got to any doc we can without referal. It costs us the consult fees if we don't have insurance.
Some pdocs take 3 months for an opening, while others are not as busy and free within a few days. But getting a dx, a pdoc you trust, and getting started on the trial and error of meds, needs to happen asap.

Please try and get to sleep. I trust you are in a career where you will be moitored and possibly have a friend to confide in. Look after yourself and rather try sleep before you get out of control. Or you can get to an ER, and a psychiatrist will be forced to help you - you need to consider this option if you are going to hurt yourself or others.

[lockbox]

thank you so much everyone. I am not going to hurt myself. You got to pay to play. I have to go pick up my fiancee at the airport. in a few hours. I will try to sleep until I have to leave.

[Tsunamisurfer]

Lockbox, I agree with Sugahorse.
That experience of yours is very much what I experience regularly as part of a mixed episode. Sometimes called agitated depression.

I was like that for years, and found that self medicating with St Johns Wort helped a lot (once I had been on it for 3 weeks or so). I avoided seeing a psychiatrist about it for various reasons, including avoiding the stigma of a diagnosis.

It worked for me for 10 years or so, but recently (2 years ago) the St John's Wort became less effective for me, and my depression got worse. Eventually, after several blow ups, short manic episodes, and debilitating depression I got to see a psychiatrist, but not before things got really scary:
The manufacturer of the St Johns Wort I was using changed their formula and dosage, and suddenly I got wired from taking the stuff.
Watch out for additives that function as stimulants in any St Johns Wort preparations (e.g. Ginseng) because it could be what sets off a mixed episode, or agitated depression. That is the worst state to be in - far more dangerous than feeling lifeless and brain-dead, because it makes us so desperate - wanting to claw our way out of our bodies for relief.

I'm now on mood stabilisers and atypical antipsychotics, and the relief from agitation is much better than ever before. I can't take antidepressants because they switch me into a mixed state immediately, even though I'm on stabilising drugs. Maybe that will change, but that is where I am now.

I hope you get onto effective treatment soon.

TS

[sugahorse1]

Please let us know how you are...!

[lockbox]

You guys are awesome! Tsu thank you for the insight. I am feeling bad, but I'm holding it in for my fiancee's sake. I'll keep you updated, I can't spend a lot of time here right now. Later this afternoon maybe.