[Ascension]

So, I have not been in therapy for some. I take my meds, work hard in my daily life to stay accountable, be productive all because I want to get better. But lately I have struggled with feeling like I am not better just sheltered. I have limited social interaction, am fortunate enough to have social security and a support system at home. But I want more, I want to go back to school, I want to provide a steady income for my family and I would like to not be so lonely. I have no friends to speak of, am not there for my spouse and nearly as much as I would like to be. I don't know why but for as long as I can remember being close to people is very hard on me. Even as a child I sat at the edge of our activities and watched unable to connect with them. My teacher even tried to gently coaxed me into the play area and I freaked out and she decided to just leave me alone. It's been this way my whole life. I stay up all night and sleep all day, flipping my schedule so I don't have to interact with most people cause either they are asleep or I am. It's not a matter of wanting to not deal with people but an inability to. I strongly believe I am Bi-Polar because my use of various medications and the responses. But I have gone to therapy in the past and they don't seem to have any answers. I get the same approach time and time again. If you really wanted to be better you would make the necessary changes and eventually you would get well. I have made a lot of changes. I was an alcoholic and I quit that because I wanted to get better. I stopped playing online roleplaying games to excess because I wanted to get better. I stopped locking myself away from the outside world in a room where I used empty soda bottles for the bathroom because I didn;t want to be around people because I wanted more from my life, but i still struggle. So I went to therapy today. I got the same thing again. "What do you want to get from therapy?" I am thinking to get better. But I get the same stuff over and over again. I know that we have to make healthy choices from moment to moment is how we get better. Deciding I am not going to have a drink is done in the moment that the drink is placed before us. That every time alcohol is placed in front of me I have to say no is the only way I am going to get better. That deciding it's okay to not do it just this one time is okay. Or saying, "I am never going to completely be able to stop drinking so I might as well have a drink." I have worked hard for the last 8 years or so to get better but I still am lonely, still can't leave my house, I want a job but am afraid I won't be able to keep it. It's not a matter of wanting it bad enough I just don't think I can. I have accomplished a lot recently. I am on my way to home ownership and have a loving and supportive woman in my life. I want more for me so I can give more to her but I don't know if I can or ever will. It's wearing me down and when I reach out for help and have someone tell me I am lazy hurts. Thanks for reading, especially if you made it to the end.

[sane1logic1]

You are so like me except I am single. We have to work with our constitutions, not plan anything that will overwhelm us, that would be setting ourselves up for disappointment. Small activities and not too often are best for us.

Also we need a goal for our contacts with others - we just don't get the same out of standing around chattering that others do.

So, planning ahead should take these factors into account.

We do need to make an effort regarding our sleeping & getting up times. Mine slipped lately.

[Ascension]

Thank you so much for your response sane, I was stunned by the similarities you describe. If only people knew how lonely it can be even being around people I know well, like my brothers and sisters and even my life partner. I feel guilty I can't be closer to people and give to them what they give to me. I want more I just don't know how. Again thank you so much for your time and thoughts. It means a lot to me.

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by Ascension

I strongly believe I am Bi-Polar because my use of various medications and the responses. But I have gone to therapy in the past and they don't seem to have any answers.

Hi Ascension do you see a Psychiatrist? Therapy with the right person can help, but without me being diagnosed and on meds no amount of "work" on my part was going to get me better. As far as getting the most out of life I do think we need to stretch ourselves. In saying that if you feel you're undiagnosed that may be a lot of the issue, so I would suggest seeing a Psychiatrist. I hope that helps a bit.

[Ascension]

Yes, I have been in treatment and on medication for years. The medication helps a great deal with stabilizing my over all mood and my anxiety in general (i.e. I can drive now and don't freak completely out when in the store anymore etc etc) but I still struggle with interpersonal issues. I have a very small social interaction time before I start to feel anxiety. I don't do small talk well. I have to have notice to leave the house and when i do I have to be back home within an hour or two or I start to feel a great deal of pressure and tension which makes me hard to be around. If you read Sane1's response is frighteningly descriptive of what I struggle with.

I can't help but to wonder if I have some other abnormality I have not identified yet. I have Bi-Polar Disorder, deal with GAD and Social Anxiety Disorder and Agoraphobia and recently I have started to think that all my failed attempts to live a more social life and failing to do so has developed into PTSD. I am afraid to fail at getting another job or going back into therapy because I lose the stability I have managed to achieve when I have such negative responses to my attempts to stretch myself some. This most recent first session really was a shock. I went in hoping to restart therapy so I can try to go back to school and get out of my comfort zone and have a bit more of a support team and it went so poorly. It sucks because I am intelligent so people expect more out of me. I have come a long way so all my friends and family ask me to advocate for people who are struggling but it all feels like a lie when I know on the inside I am just sheltered, not better. I know my limitations and try not to push myself too hard because I am a perfectionist but still I want more for me and my family. Thanks for taking the time to ask though Blue.

Originally Posted by Ascension

...and I would like to not be so lonely. I have no friends to speak of, ...I don't know why but for as long as I can remember being close to people is very hard on me. Even as a child I sat at the edge of our activities and watched unable to connect with them. .... It's been this way my whole life. ...It's not a matter of wanting to not deal with people but an inability to...

First of all, you HAVE made a lot of progress --that much is obvious, even if it feels diminished somehow for not accomplishing everything you'd like to. But that's just the way it works! If there's anyone who's accomplished everything they want to, I've never met them, and seriously, I don't even think they exist! Give yourself credit for those things you have accomplished.

Also wanted to let you know that you are not alone in the excerpted parts of your post (other parts too, but these really hit a chord) (and btw, OF COURSE I read the whole thing! ). I've been the same way all my life, but for a couple of years -- in high school of all places(!), though I seriously have to wonder if I was just in an extended hypomania at the time (there are some other things in that time frame that also suggest it). All the years previous and hence, while hypomanic, I'll be somewhat sociable (not initiating though --except h.s.--the only time I had a couple of real friends..,). Every other time, we're talking acquaintences. And like you said, it's not for not wanting it, but an inability to do so. Most of the time, I just don't think about it anymore, but there are times of pangs of heartbreak over this.

Sooo, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in that....