Not Feeling Like Myself

I've started and stopped so many entries here.(I'm fighting deleting it as we speak) I read what other people are going through and I feel pretty insignificant. Not that I want to be a raging ball of uncontrolled emotions, but I keep getting this "your problems are that big to anybody else but you" feeling. I've been walking the edge the past couple of weeks. Right there at the brink of not being able to hold on to it. I spent the night in a frenzy of panic and fear. Every shadow was some creature intent to get me. I cried until the Ambien kicked in and I passed out. My boyfriend has to go through the most of it. He sees the shifting eyes, the furrowed bow; He hears the rapid speech, the incoherent thoughts. He moved the bed today so I can't see into the bathroom and the shadows therein. I try to tell my friends "Hey I'm feeling a little out of it." Only to be ignored and the subject changed. My mother (also bipolar) feels this inate guilt. She's my genetic link to all of this, the other half of my DNA that caused my brain not to work the same way other people's do. I just don't want to feel alone, but in the same breath I don't want to be like anybody else. But I think the most important statement there is I don't want to be alone. In any sense of the word alone. Alone phyiscally, alone mentally, alone emotionally. Just plain, flat out, no matter how you cut it....alone. I don't know what I expect from this post (if anything at all) It just kinda cathartic. "Hey I'm not quite feeling like myself. Thanks for listening."

Hey--

I guess the main help I've found here is know that I'm not alone and the problems I face and my daughter faces are not unique--that people learn how to live with and through them, often with grace, humor, and humility. All of the problems my three kids have with depression and now bipolar do come from me and my side of the family. I understand the feelings of guilt your mother feels. Others will chime in, but let me just say that you are not alone and I'm glad you posted. I hope you get to feeling better soon.

Hi A_Fine_Madness so glad you decided to post. Continue letting your boyfriend know how you're doing. Are you seeing a Psychiatrist and/or on any medication? I hope you're feeling better soon.

we are Many, AFM,, and moods come and go,, i have learned to live inspite of them, and i hope you can find that too~~! glad you are reaching out,, best wishes~~ Gus

So sorry that your friends don't hear you. I hope you can feel less lonely knowing that you have your boyfriend to protect you from the monsters in the closet, your mother who loves you so much she would take on the burden of guilt, and people here who understand how you can feel lonely even when surrounded by people. You are unique, you are special and you are not alone.