[NuckingFutz]

Been really busy lately but have slowly become feeling blah... more and more the past few days I just feel blah!

I am sitting here not dressed, hair in tangles, unbathed and staring and an extremely messy apartment. When I look at it I feel overwhelmed! Makes me feel more unmotivated.

I even remembered about a site that helped me before http://flylady.com with the cleaning. If there was a site that could help, this one could because it's about being positive and taking things slow while cleaning the house. It doesn't mention depression, but it might as well because it is so positive and trying to make it fun.

Nothing brought this depression on as far as interactions go, it's just a low time. I scored over 30 on my depression test...not good.

I guess I just needed to get this out. Thank you all for reading this. I'm going to try not to go back to bed.

[sundog]

((((((((((((((NuckingFutz)))))))))))))) Sending hugs to you

[Rohag]

((((((( NF! )))))))

If you need rest, try not to be ashamed to seize it.

[Yoda]

[NuckingFutz]

Thank you for the emotional support. Called pdoc earlier...wants me to come in if it gets any worse. I'm caught up on my sleep, house is still a mess.

Guess I will take one day at a time and keep on trying.

[sugahorse1]

Don't hesitate to take up Pdoc's offer. Are you possibly battling because it's the Christmas time? Maybe a change of routine?
Break things into bite size chunks and go easy on yourself.

[NuckingFutz]

Thanks Sugahorse. I think I can hold off on the pdoc for now. I've done some journaling and pinpointed several possible causes of the depression (yeah, there is usually more than one reason).

I didn't think Christmas time would affect my mood since I don't observe but it creeps into everyday aspect of everyday life from the travel, stores being so busy and then all of a sudden them all being closed on Christmas. Mail seems to take longer to get. Forget everyday shopping this time of year. Travel is crazy. The news is filled with reports of holiday travel. It starts slows builds to a fevered pitch and then on the evening of the 24th everthing stops dead. When I was little I use to look out my window and see no traffic, empty parking lots (as if a human only bomb went off and everyone went bye bye for a day or too, as a child, this was genuinely spooky to me). Sometimes my favorite shows don't come on because of all the Christmas shows (no, I don't have cable).

The messy house I think is just a result of me being so busy. I think I'm gonna make a list of stuff I really need to do today house cleaning wise and (the petfood shipping), last minute grocery shopping I need to do now for enough food to get through the weekend (can't deal with Christmas crowds) and I usually only shop for 2 - 3 days tops. So even though I don't observe, it's like I have to get ready for a 4 day stop gap. I'd hold off and do it during that spooky period, but I can't stand looking at the mess and I can't fuction in a mess like this.

I feel a little more motivated today out of anxiety, but at least the motivation is there.

I'm probably premenstral right now as well.

One thing that has helped, is knowing there is a reason for some (or all of the depression). There is less anxiety to know why I am feeling this way.

I guess this year, I just kind of tried to put Christmas out of my mind, but it's on tv, it's in the Christmas lights.

I also had a bad experience a few years ago on Christmas and sometimes it comes back to me. The way I was treated by my ex and her family when I went to share their Christmas with them. I brought my menorah to celebrate Hanukah and they treated me as if I were some kind of alien or something. My also proposed to me a few years ago and I announced our engagement to my ex's family. After I annouced it (she proposed to me with a ring and everything) to her family, you could have heard a pin drop. Only one person out of 30 congratulated us. It was horrifying. I was like, if she wasn't going to stand up for me when I annouced our engagement, why did she even ask me? Why did I have to hide who were? Why didn't we deserve to have a small toast durring the holidays. Even went to church with her. Her mother actually said "won't the Jewish church excommunicate you?" I was like huh? What are you talking about? Because I go to a Church to celebrate with a family, this would be frowned upon? When I lit my candles, the looks on their faces was like I was practicing some kind of evil ceremony or something. I felt numb and then hollow the rest of the trip.

Anyway, I guess I just wanted to share that I am making progress on working through this depression.

Comments and support are really welcome right now because, yeah, although I have a lot of people in my life, I feel anxious and upset this time of year.

Thanks for reading this and I hope I didn't offend anybody but I just had to share.

[sugahorse1]

Thanks for sharing. I'm glad you've managed to pinpoint some triggers and can now understand the reason behind your depression.
I also agree with the gloom that often surrounds Christmas time. My family is overseas this year, and I'm going away with my boyfriend, his mom, his daughter and god-daughter. To a casino resort 600km away - I mean really - not much of a Christmas to really look forward to. 5 days in this resort where there really isn't much other than hotels, a casino and a kids play center; going to have to hope the weather is good so I can lie around the pool

[PT52]

Hi NF - hope you're feeling better.

[NuckingFutz]

Trying...silly store was closed for Christmas already. I thought Christmas didn't happen until the 25th! Spagetti for me for the next couple of days. I wish my store would have had a sign before today saying they would close. The buses are also running on a light schedule. I had to wait on one bus for an hour.

Next year I'm going to stock up and pretend the humans went away for an entire week. Won't catch me off guard again.

Guess I will go to the far away store tomorrow. Better call them though because they might close too.

[Perna]

Think of sweet little bedbugs helping you clean, instead of brownies

When I get so down I notice the mess more than usual and have trouble mobilizing, I try to make it fun/funny. I put my "rutabaga" (love that word, it's so ridiculous!) plan into effect which says that if I'm that down and that unmotivated, I might as well do the worst things since they can't affect my mood any more negatively than it already is. So I start cleaning bathrooms or something I hate to do and a strange thing happens; I start getting all sorts of ideas of other things I could be/would rather be doing, LOL.

[NuckingFutz]

Well, that's one thing... I don't have bed bugs anymore!

[sugahorse1]

Spaghetti bolognaise is my FAVOURITE!!! I'll come keep you company for a few days of Spaghetti!!! Yay, now I don't need to be alone...!

[Omers]

Oh NF, I read about your christmas experience and it made me SO sad! I wish I had a picture of the alter area from my colleges campus ministries... It is a Catholic college with nuns and all (no habbits and there are rules about rulers ). Anyway... At christmas they always decorate the alter in the "sanctuary" so beautifully... Most of the major religions have something this time of year and so there is something specific to each of them all in together. Thet look so wonderful all together in harmony on the alter. The last Sunday mass of the semester our resident "Jewish Catholic" would set up beautiful decorations for Hanuka and we always had kosher italian cookies and punch after mass.
I had screwed up my planning and had to make a mad dash to Walmart this morning for groceries... I went at like 8am and it wasn't too bad but we got out of there just in time! Although... Not soon enough to miss the kind gentleman trying to get donations for Salvation Army... There are few people in the world that sing worse than I do but he was among them and trying to sing Ave Maria... I was trying to come up with a polite way to explain that he might get more donations by not singing so that people might approach but my ears hurt too much so we just moved on.
I think I am bunkered down safe and sound until the holiday passes... although we may have to do laundry... but who does laundry at the laundrymat over the holidays? No one I hope!
Our house is a mess too... I keep hoping my son will do something wrong so I can make him clean up the livingroom as punishment... He is being good as gold. They never missbehave when you need them too!
Anyway... I hope you found a thing or two to laugh at in this mess. And you may want to look around... some places around us deliver... even on christmas! Pizza delivery may be our new christmas ritual!

Hang in... we are here if you need us... If I'm sleeping just bap me with that tail of yours... works for my cats all the time... you can skip the morning fart or cat breath that usually goes with it though... being baped with the tail is usually good enough!

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Trying...silly store was closed for Christmas already. ... The buses are also running on a light schedule. I had to wait on one bus for an hour...Next year I'm going to stock up and pretend the humans went away for an entire week.

Can we all pretend the humans went away for a week?! Lol, sounds good to me!!! WOW on that store being closed for holiday already! Seems a bit much (understatement). The buses perplex me too... I don't know about anyone else, but I've always had to work at least till Xmas eve (this year will be working on Xmas), so.... what? Like people suddenly don't need transportation?

Agree with your earlier post that even if you don't celebrate, how absolutely pervasive it gets. I celebrate in a minimal way, and the pervasiveness still completely gets on my nerves. No tv, no radio, avoid stores like the plague (grocery, ok, but otherwise...) and bring my Ipod, and still... It's all I can do not to stick a big note on my coat saying, "Spare me the "obligatory" holiday greetings and small talk". (Or else! )

I'm so sorry about your bad mixed holidays experience, Nuckingfutz. Good grief. I can tell you that I was kindly invited to a Seder one year and it was one of the most memorable meals of my life. :-) Making people feel uncomfortable and not included is not cool. Ignorance and prejudice are ugly things.

I really wish all we forumites could hang out together especially at such times. Truly. and

[NuckingFutz]

Oh those poor Salvation Army bell ringers...latest scoop was that somewhere in the US 2 guys, one got the bell ringer to help move his stalled car, the other ran off with the Salvation Army kettle! Your kettle ringer got off easy I say.

I am finding things that lift the depression enough. Chinese restaurants deliever...not many people from China celebrate Christmas...and they deliver.

I've started the house work (taking out the cat litter and trash first, I took Perna's advice on that one (thanks Perna!) to do the worst thing first because the mood won't get any worse.

My favorite movie is on this weekend "The Sound of Music" so all you others out there who had dad abandonment issues, this one's for you too.

Oh and Omers, on your son, he knows you as well as you know him and with the Christmas presents and probably the fear of having to clean up the livingroom, he's acting like an angel...just in time for Christmas. You have a Christmas angel. Don't you wish everyday were Christmas.

So my mood is starting to pick up...thanks in a large part to figuring out what was depressing me in the first place and the rest with the help of you fine folks on here.

So I reading and taking your advice and checking my list twice or however that song goes.

Yes, I had my holiday already...I'm like your Jewish Catholic Friend. Might even take a stroll and look at the Christmas lights tonight. One time on Christmas PBS showed both "Fiddler on the Roof" and "Yentl" on tv and that was a nice treat that year.

I think I have the energy to go to the far away store believe it or not! Gotta get back for my online meeting tonight so I can look forward to that as well. Once the trash and litter was out, I just really have sweeping and dishes to do. The benefit of living in a small apartment.

Hope I can keep the depression lift going.

[thinker22]

Hope you stay feeling better.

[sugahorse1]

Great to hear things are looking up

[NuckingFutz]

Thanks everyone. I just fixed my sister's computer. I wasn't sure why she drove all this way to have me fix it until I looked at it. It had a big warning sign in big red letters that spyware was on the computer, every application I tried was infected...even her anti-virus program! I used my Utilities disk to restore to a previous checkpoint and ran the virus software...it had like 38 viruses including worms, trojan horses and lists of porn sites! Oh boy! Sister didn't say anything to me about how the computer got that way. I didn't say anything. I wish my sister would find a better person to be with, but we have all tried when he was caught trying to meet an underaged girl... he got caught in a sting operation set up by Dateline. He got to meet Stone Phillips in person. Not anything to brag about.

Sigh.

[PT52]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

Thanks everyone. I just fixed my sister's computer. I wasn't sure why she drove all this way to have me fix it until I looked at it. It had a big warning sign in big red letters that spyware was on the computer, every application I tried was infected...even her anti-virus program! I used my Utilities disk to restore to a previous checkpoint and ran the virus software...it had like 38 viruses including worms, trojan horses and lists of porn sites! Oh boy! Sister didn't say anything to me about how the computer got that way. I didn't say anything. I wish my sister would find a better person to be with, but we have all tried when he was caught trying to meet an underaged girl... he got caught in a sting operation set up by Dateline. He got to meet Stone Phillips in person. Not anything to brag about.

Sigh.

Sorry, it shouldn't be funny, but Stone Phillips!
Had that virus, it got in thru a friend's facebook page that was hacked. Really hard to get rid of.

[Perna]

I saw that Dateline episode. Sorry for your sister but if that didn't convince her. . . I guess I'd be a bit pissed if my computer were wrecked by someone else though, that might be enough for me to say "enough" :-)

I'm getting ready to make apple crisp and brownies. I have to find an easy quiche recipe too for breakfast on Christmas morning. I bought a huge ham half in case I get invited to my stepsister's but I think they've gone to the Caribbean on vacation for the holidays. I only see her/them (my step-nieces/nephews and their children) once a year, Christmas Day so am out of any loop that might exist. Good thing we live near one another!

Anyway, I'll do something with the ham myself for Christmas. We have a friend with no friends or relatives at the moment other than us and jobless to boot coming over so we'll just eat on the darn thing ourselves. I figured I'd make biscuits and we can have ham sandwiches and bought a bottle of champagne, etc. Leftovers I'll freeze and use the bone for soup for New Years.

[NuckingFutz]

That Dateline episode didn't convince her. She was the scapegoat of the family. Upon observation, her motto could be, you've got to take it to make it. She's the only one married to her first husband, she does deserve better but she won't allow help, so I help her in anyway I can. I just think of her and send good thoughts or hug her when I can. Oh and I linked her computer so that when he accesses sites like that, the comupter shuts down. Told my sister if the computer shuts down to call me and I can hook her back up. That way I can help protect her computer and probably talk to her more (sadly to say). Some of those viruses are dangerous.

I can't belive how much you all have helped in lifting this depression. Being in the dark pit, well, I guess I don't need to tell you all, you have been there. Oh, and yes, I was premenstral (I actually can't wait to hit menopause).

[PT52]

Originally Posted by NuckingFutz

That Dateline episode didn't convince her. She was the scapegoat of the family. Upon observation, her motto could be, you've got to take it to make it. She's the only one married to her first husband, she does deserve better but she won't allow help, so I help her in anyway I can. I just think of her and send good thoughts or hug her when I can. Oh and I linked her computer so that when he accesses sites like that, the comupter shuts down. Told my sister if the computer shuts down to call me and I can hook her back up. That way I can help protect her computer and probably talk to her more (sadly to say). Some of those viruses are dangerous.

I can't belive how much you all have helped in lifting this depression. Being in the dark pit, well, I guess I don't need to tell you all, you have been there. Oh, and yes, I was premenstral (I actually can't wait to hit menopause).

I have to admit, menopause is great once you're on the other side of it..glad you're feeling better.

[NuckingFutz]

With me and my doc, I think I am ready for it. I think I could have bought stock in Kimberly Clark or Tampax and made a tidy little investment for myself.

[lonegael]

Glad you're feeling better NF. By the way, great idea with rigging the computer so it shuts down when he hits one of those sites You're a good sister! Hope that the next year treats you better than the next, what'ya say? HUGGGGSSSS!