[reader71]

my ex husband is going to visit my mother in florida. we have been apart for over three years. our divorce was pretty amicable, but about two years ago he called my mother and said some really hurtful things, and we had it out. i was starting the process to adopt a child, and he told my mom that she shouldn't recommend me because i am "unfit" to be a parent. we didn't talk for about a year after that.

i talked to him last year when our dog died, and things were a little bit better, but we don't communicate and he won't be my friend on facebook. he is friends with almost all of my family members, and i don't mind him keeping in touch, but this is just too much.

i also heard that he is planning a trip to my town in the summer, and that my sister offered to let him stay with her. i am pissed. he has no sense of boundaries. if he can't even be friends with me, then he can't have the benefit of being part of my family. am i overreacting? if he's going to travel 3000 miles to visit my family, shouldn't he at least let me know? i don't want to be angry about this, but i am.

thanks for letting me vent.

[Anneinside]

I don't know how to answer you other than share my story. When my husband left me for another woman I became very depressed. I ended up being hospitalized and he came to visit every few days. The psychiatrist talked with him and said that he was giving me mixed signals and he should not be involved with my care in the hospital. At first I was upset about it but then I started to realized that every time he came it bothered me and my mood dropped. Over time we have stopped communicating. He is still friends with my sister and her husband (they introduced us) and sometimes stays with them. They never tell me until he has left and often don't mention it for a long time. I know that if I knew in advance I would ruminate over it and it would cause stress. The one good thing I can see with them telling you in advance is that you can choose to stay away from him.

The last time I talked to my sister about him she said that he told them he had left me because I "read and watched TV too much". I say he was really reaching for something so that it could be my fault. LOL

[ladyjrnlist]

An ex loses privelges of being part of the family, in my opinion. Talk about this with your sis.