mixed or just crazy? and valium fallback...

Good morning, afternoon, evening!

I can't say what's going on. I am utterly confused. All I know is that from having these annoying lows (not sure if they classified severe enough to try speed up my docs app) I started having these 'false epiphanies', like waking up in the middle of the night several times and feeling like getting up and rule the wrold - in the childish sense. Ride my bike and go on and on and then climb and climb, I felt tlike Aron Ralston. Then I'd manage to sleep again and then wake up feeling awful again. Then these 'bolts' of lightning carried on for some time during the day, having fits of laughter or an overwhelming sense of loving the world...But they were like short glimpses amidst an abyss, and the abyss was there at all times, right behind my back ready to devour me. And then irrtability came. I always try to act as I'm supposed to act, according to what I know is normal for ME, but I found it so hard, yet I could not act on this strange concoction of feelings. And then....After a couple of days of 'normality'...I started feeling everything SIMULTANEOUSLY!!!
Drained, paralysed, in sight of a sharpness blurred by fog, blurred images and incomprehensible urges such as banging my head on the wall or cycling into the river. I wouldn't do any of this things, but every time I tried to concentrate on sth I would just say 'uuuughhhhh, what's wrong with me today! And why is my head conjuring these fantasies?' In a strange 'found my purpose' daydream - 'I'll crash into sth'. Restless, so restless in the head, and body immobilised. The utter frustration, like my brain/spirit/essence/whatever wanted to break free and roam the skies but I wouldn't let it. And part of me was glad, it meant I was safe, and part of me wasn't, I just wanted to actually BE out of control, whatever that meant. Like in American films, where the fantasise about the impossible/inappropriate and you're taken in thinking 'hell yeah' and then suddenly everything is normal - none of it has happened and you're left disappointed.

SO I didn't know what all that actually was/is, so yesterday evening I took 20mg of valium before going climbing, which was AWESOME (as I knew it would be) and another 10 when I came back, and slept like a bird. I think I still feel them having an effect, but I know I wasn't supposed to take any, I should hva egot rid of them as I got addicted last year, but now I have none left, and I'm giving any other stuff I have to a friend today to get rid of.

SOrry for the long post.....Opinions please!!

I wouldn't call that crazy - just normally nuts for anyone having one of the hundreds of permutations of a mixed episode. Horrible and disorientating!
Hope you're feeling better by now.