[CesarioRose]

Right on cue, after a week of normality and happiness and confidence... I think i'm depressed again.
My episodes usually do switch right around the weekend. But even though i passed my test today; the very test, and course, i have been lobbying for, and waiting patiently for for months ended, and i got what i wanted. I STILL ****ING FEEL LIKE ****. I hate it. why cant i just live a normal life, and not get depressed at the worst possible times. Join me in my self pity.

i have been thinking all day on such awful subjects. I am hard to be around. who could ever like someone like me. i was made to suffer. these episodes take their toll. i just want.. i dunno, what everyone else has; it comes so easily for some. Yet, it comes so hard for me. i have to fight for every single moment of happiness, and it's always over in a flash. never lasting.

i hate my self. i hate what i've become. I can remember a time when i wasn't like this, when all this was was anxiety, and social phobia. How i've "matured" into a complete mess. I can remember a time right out of college when i was so excited to have a job; my internship was awesome, and a total blast. Then it ended, and i had to get a crap job doing cold calling for market research to just pay the bills. I was depressed for months then, and had some bad over-eating junk food. After a year of on/off depression, i finally got a job n my field, and i was as happy as a pig in mud. The more i look back at it, i am sure i was hypo manic for weeks and weeks and weeks. The euphoria of finally having that job was intoxicating. It wore off of course, and the depression and loneliness of it all was setting in. I remember being hypo manic a few more times, each time during, and leading up to major accomplishments at work for my self. My promotion, my pay raise, all the projects i finished and all the praise. Then i swung low again, I believe, which lead me to finally seek treatment. And here i am today. friendship ruined with my irrationality and anxiety, and my suicide ideation in January. All the meds i was trying were effing me up big time.

I am siting here, watching home-movies of my 4th birthday, and 5th birthday. I honestly don't know how i'm supposed to feel; it's weird. It really is. I really ask my self what i've become after all of this. I'm not quote there, YET, but i feel like this week is going to be a terrible one. I know it's the wrong thing to wish for, but i'd give anything to be hypo-manic right about now.

[eskielover]

I think that has to be the hardest part of bipolar is that when you finally get more stable, the lack of feeling the high you get when being hypo-manic is a very negative feeling. Someone in my DBT group expressed how horrible it feels NOT to feel that high feeling anymore....it makes the depression feel so much worse because everything feels like depression without being able to enjoy the high. However, what feels like depression because it isn't that wonderful energetic high, is really what most other people feel as normal consistently.

Hope you can take the week a day at a time & hopefully each day will be uneventful without perceiving that anything terrible will be happening.

[CesarioRose]

thx.