[In_The_Darkness]

I started at college in September of 2010. Don't know where to start, so I'm just going to say what needs saying, even if it doesn't make sense. At the moment I have no motivation to do anything - not even talk about how I'm feeling. I sort of don't want help; sometimes feel as though I don't need it...though mostly I want the help it's just that I find talking with somebody about how I'm feeling difficult.

Anyway. I have a diagnoses of depression; anxiety and asperger syndrome. People at college doubt I have aspergers, but instead some reckon it's bipolar disorder. At first I doubted it, because I think self diagnosing can be unhealthly. And I'm comfortable with the diagnoses of ASD.

The first one to mention anything about bipolar was one of the learning support advisers, Dawn, an ex-police officer. She has experience of preventing people from suicide...but whenever she says "I see bipolar disorder in you" I just think to myself "And where did you get your medical degree?"

Then another girl with aspergers started saying "bipolar this, bipolar that" and that she doesnt think I have AS (at times I'm the class comedian; and I have many friends: which is difficult for people with ASDs).

Then my best mate at college said it. Followed by a few more people at college (including one of my three lecturers).

I haven't really thought much about it. But I can see where they are coming from. They spend so much time with me, and have often been on the receiving end of my negative attitude. They also see a lot of my actions on facebook, and my best mate I talk to almost 24/7.

Looking back at the past year alone I can see episodes of both mania and severe depression.

Mania: An example of one of my POSSIBLE manic episodes was actually at the beginning of college (and 2 months or so after the start in September). I had big plans...plans to go university and study computer science. I was intending (after my current course) to do the higher national diploma in computing (I am currently on the advanced (level 3) course). I got a learner of the month award and was put on the list of high achievers and "lecturer's reasons to be cheerful".

At times it would be hard to stay still, and I would walk around the classroom. During these times I will tell many jokes during the day, ones of which I cannot stop laughing at but others find completely unfunny. Along with telling jokes, I have a high level of wit and come out with many innuendo's when people don't expect it.

During this time I made plans for a business, and spent £1,500 on the parts for a computer system (which I built). I also worked 20 hours a week and whenever wasn't at college or working sat studying and getting ahead of class mates. Got called a "work-a-holic" on a frequent basis.

Whenever I had free time, I'd look on my favourite computing forums at hardware - something I am totally obsessed with.

Nothing can stop me. I'm aiming for distinction in all units at college. Feel so good about myself. Going to lose weight healthily. Racing thoughts about computers, what im going to do, about how the world is so brilliant and all I need is my family because they're what matters.

Paranoid.

Depressive: I have had numerous "depressive episodes" over the last year. Normally I'll have a longer depressive episode than the previous manic episode. Also during these episodes I can get hyper yet still feel depressed (WTF ).

Currently I am experiencing one of these episodes, so I can give more detail about what I am feeling and what has been happening (it came on very suddenly...just last week I was once again getting ahead of the class after falling very far behind suffering with suicidal thoughts and taking an overdose).

Lost interest in everything: including computing. All I can do is lie in bed, or sit staring into space with music on. At most I can do what I'm doing now: explain how I am feeling. I also lose all motivation to do any college work, and start self harming again.

FEELING CONSTANTLY TIRED!! Slept for more than 24 hours recently. no late nights. going bed around 6pm and waking up to go college at 8am on most nights. Days off consist of sleep and pretty much nothing but sleep.

I also lose taste in all of the music in my iTunes library. Everything is rubbish and tiring. Boring and pathetic.

Lose all feelings of hope. Suicidal feelings start to come back.

Still paranoid.

Also I get a lot more angry and irritable. People I normally hold very close I swear at; fall out with; etc. Get paranoid that they are trying to bring me down. An example of this is my mother, the other night when i was feeling really bad...I suspected her of poisoning me. Trying to kill me even. Swore at a lecturer and stormed out of the class (what I shouted at him is way too explicit for this forum).

Family **** me off. Want to run away.

TRY to get motivated but just cannot. Bed is the best place, but even that feels crap.

Hear people calling my name. NO ONE CALLED MY NAME.

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Depressive episode seems to last for months, whereas the manic one can last as little as weeks (usually one month). For example, the previous episode lasted a very short amount of time. It appears as though I am "rapid cycling".

[Kymaro]

Sounds like a rough time for you, please remember you have a huge stressor "college", plus sounds like high expectations for yourself. Any time you have suicidal ideas you need to seek help, whether you want it or not. Don't let other define you who you are. Believe in yourself. Your smart enough to search things out. Do you have a pdoc or therapist? Might be helpfull just to talk about your stressors ...etc...

I'm not going to agree with either side or idea that you have as I don't know you and writings can be so focused that they leave out the little details that can mean a lot. Athough from ur writing, asperger syndrom doesn't seem to fit at all. Asperger is a more mono tone personality which even during what you conceder you depression stage, there isnt a mono tone behavior, but more of an agressive - anger type symptoms. The manic part of BP is a very disorganized time, sounds like your achv many tasks with ease. I would more apt to believe your just a bit proud of yourself and push yourself harder.

It's very hard to diagnose bi-polar as many times it takes years for a full cycle to present itself. It's possible you set your expectation so high that you wear yourself out, fallling into depression.

Your taking on a LOT of responsibilities at college, home, work...etc....spend more time patting yourself on the back, a lot of people couldnt achv what you have done is such a short time. (manic or not).

Wishing you well balanced energies. Feel free to private chat if you want to talk more.

Kymaro

[In_The_Darkness]

Originally Posted by Kymaro

Sounds like a rough time for you, please remember you have a huge stressor "college", plus sounds like high expectations for yourself. Any time you have suicidal ideas you need to seek help, whether you want it or not. Don't let other define you who you are. Believe in yourself. Your smart enough to search things out. Do you have a pdoc or therapist? Might be helpfull just to talk about your stressors ...etc...

I'm not going to agree with either side or idea that you have as I don't know you and writings can be so focused that they leave out the little details that can mean a lot. Athough from ur writing, asperger syndrom doesn't seem to fit at all. Asperger is a more mono tone personality which even during what you conceder you depression stage, there isnt a mono tone behavior, but more of an agressive - anger type symptoms. The manic part of BP is a very disorganized time, sounds like your achv many tasks with ease. I would more apt to believe your just a bit proud of yourself and push yourself harder.

It's very hard to diagnose bi-polar as many times it takes years for a full cycle to present itself. It's possible you set your expectation so high that you wear yourself out, fallling into depression.

Your taking on a LOT of responsibilities at college, home, work...etc....spend more time patting yourself on the back, a lot of people couldnt achv what you have done is such a short time. (manic or not).

Wishing you well balanced energies. Feel free to private chat if you want to talk more.

Kymaro

sent you a pm.

[pegasus]

In The Darkness, you said that you have already been diagnosed with anxiety, depression and aspergers by professionals.

With Bipolar, there are many factors that go into this diagnosis and this would have been picked up.

Also Bipolar is the popular talking point of mental health at the moment with some celebs having talked about their diagnosis, so more of the population know about it but that doesn't make them experts on diagnosing you.

Your love of computers and doing well sound healthy to me.

Ignore those trying to plant another illness on to you.

[Anneinside]

From your description I cannot see mania, just a focused, success driven person. If you really want to know then you will have to see a psychiatrist.

[In_The_Darkness]

Originally Posted by Anneinside

From your description I cannot see mania, just a focused, success driven person. If you really want to know then you will have to see a psychiatrist.

Thanks. I guess it could just be me pushing myself too hard causing myself to slip into a depressive mood over and over again. I will see a psych though. Last time I went she put me on mood stabilisers but said she couldnt diagnose me at my age.