[ladyjrnlist]

I don't post much here, but I need to vent.
Bipolar depression has consumed much of my life. It seems no matter what tools or meds I use, it comes back again and again.
I hate it and I want to kill it, so to speak. But, it comes back every time.
I get brief breaks from it and then here it is again.

I know I am doing all the right things, which is what makes this so frustrating. It's almost as if this is the way it's going to be forever, and sometimes that's a bitter pill to swallow and it makes me feel desperate.

I get a mix of rage and sadness that is so intense, I usually end up embarrassing myself at some point. It's so hard to hang on sometimes. I'm not going to do anything drastic, so don't worry about that.

I just feel so frustrated by this. It's like swimming upstream all the time.

[disguise123]

I know how you feel.
I am so sorry you have this battle.
Xxx

[CesarioRose]

ya i know all about it. most of my depressive episodes are sort of like that, especially if they last for a week or more. hang in there! go talk to your T!

[Kymaro]

Glad your able to be here to vent. I hope that helps some. Depression is such an easy runt to fall into and so hard to get out of. Keep up the strong belief. My toughts are with you. Hope things balance out for you.

[Larfu]

I really understand where you are coming from. My marriage fell apart because of my biploar depression. It was a big reason, anyway. I have no doubt that my wife, at the time, could not cope with my symptoms anymore and divorced me over it. I don't necessarily blame her, because I was not doing what I needed to do to defend myself against depression. It's a terrible enemy... mainly because it can't be defeated. It's you. It's inside you, forever. But that makes you, unbelievably rare, like a lotus, blooming. It makes you realize the power of love in a way no one else on Earth can, because you've seen how deep the rabbit hole goes, you know what's at the bottom. In the darkest of dark places. I've been there too. But we can turn, look at the sun, and realize that we are alive, beautiful, and have so much to offer the world. We are precious little flowers, every single one of you. This disorder does not make your life a living hell, it reminds you of how horrible horror can be, while giving you the capacity to feel deeply, know the world in a totally unique way. Your light on the world is more valuable that anything, and so many of us give in to that dark place and vanish forever. I almost let this happen to me. Don't let it happen to you, my dear. Bloom.

We can treat the symptoms with new medications. If the ones you are on do not work, change them up. It's a science based on guesses anyway... they don't understand why the meds work the way they do, but they do, so we go with it. Advocate for change. What do we have to lose?

BiPolar. BP. Beautiful Person. How bout that instead?

[ladyjrnlist]

Larfu, that was a beautiful post. Thank you so much. And you are right, I see things very differently because I have seen the horror inside my own mind.
I will keep your words in mind.