[mgran]

I think I just had a hallucination, and dragged my son down the road to see it.

I was walking back from the shop, across the bridge I used to believe to be "haunted", and I saw the moon in the sky as vividly orange as a tangerine, at an impossible angle, sprawling huge across the sky. I was so sure it was real that I ran back, got my son to get off his video game, and walked all the way back to the bridge to show him the amazing moon.

Which, while it was very nice, was in no way bright orange and tilted impossibly across the sky.

Cr@p.

[Moose72]

Sounds like when I saw orange rectangles in the sky. But this was years before diagnosis. My husband came in and dudnt see what I did. I really thought it was aliens as it was so odd and so real.

[mgran]

It looked like the Cheshire Cat smiling at me... a thought that crossed my mind was that the sky was smiling at me...not metaphorically, but really. And of course that's such a beautiful thought you have to share it with someone you love.

It upsets me more when I do something that impacts my child than if it was just something that affected me. At least it's brought me up short, and I'm examining the last few days... realised I've been excercising too much, not sleeping enough, not eating enough. And yes, seeing shadows, hearing things just out of reach. I tend to ignore such symptoms, but maybe they're a predictor of smiles in the sky, etc.

It's still pretty new to me. I'll just keep careful.

How did your husband respond to it, Moose? (My son just shrugged his shoulders and said, "don't worry Mum, you're seeing things." As though that wasn't the definition of impossible opposites.)

[Moose72]

Does he know you see things? I wasn't diagnosed so that wasn't in the realm of "you're seeing things..." he just said they weren't there or something. That was in 2000 so I don't remember.

[mgran]

I was diagnosed with "psychotic depression" about eighteen months ago. My son had been aware of me seeing things that weren't there from... well, I suppose forever. I'd always been so scared and suspicious of doctors that I'd steered clear of them for as long as I could, so it took my original pdoc a while to notice some anomalies in my mental health records (like being arrested multiple times one year, presenting to the doctor with sleeplessness and loss of weight) etc.

Things got worse after the diagnoses of psychotic depression, so they kept trying to find out what was wrong, and this time I was so desparate I told them what was going on in my head, and they diagnosed schizoaffective disorder. I'd always hidden my worst symptoms, like voices, or seeing things that nobody else could.

Although I used to get loads of hallucinations, they're much rarer now, which made this Cheshire cat thing more upsetting... but I have to put it in perspective. It's just a random thing... and at least this time I figured out that it wasn't real.

Oh, and I've spoken to my son about this in the past. He's known for years, God help him, that his mother isn't always the most reliable of witnesses... that I see things. He says he stopped believing in my hallucinations when he was seven. Which makes me sad I didn't seek help sooner... thank God he's resilient.

Sending you many hugs. I know how scary and frustrating it can be to hallucinate, and sometimes it seems like nobody can relate. I hope you're feeling better soon!

[mgran]

Thank you Melissa, I'm feeling better already that I've been able to share my concerns here and know that nobody's judging or criticising me. I've looked through my med tracker thing and noticed a pattern emerging,so hopefully with care I'll be able to avoid this kind of thing in the future... and yes, I've realised this isn't the first hallucination I've had in the last three days... just the one that finally announced itself. Hopefully I'll be able to calm myself down.

Thank you guys. (((hug)))

[Yoda]

(((mgran)))

mgran! Yes, kids are resilient that way. My son had known there was something "different" about me for many years before dx. So he was like, "ok, it has a name." He was totally nonplussed.
This may sound weird, but I suppose if you're going to hallucinate something, at least it was something pretty (and the Cheshire Cat is a pretty cool character). I'm glad you are working on managing things.... many well wishes on that.

[mgran]

Thanks again for the support last night, it really did mean a lot to me.

Today has been better, because a friend from church called round, and asked if I wanted to go see "The King's Speech" with her. Of course, this being a girly trip out we wandered around shops, which I find rather dull (but didn't want to offend her by saying so) but after the obligatory gawping at clothes we went to see the movie, and I was captivated by it. I needed something to get me out of myself, and this was definitely the ticket.

To anyone who hasn't seen it yet, the central performance by Colin Firth is just amazing... he captures the vulnerability and anger of a man who was abused and neglected through his childhood, and by the end of the film he comes across as one of the bravest people of his era, conquering inner demons and becoming a symbol of hope to Britain and the allies in the fight against nazism. I'd definitely recommend it.