[CesarioRose]

Yea so, the last few days have been filled with some hypomania, and or mixed episode goodness. Last night seems to be the top of it all. I went for a 3.8 mile walk down a bike path, in the middle of a rain storm, next to a major highway. i was laughing randomly throughout. i started to notice the subtle greens, and browns of the trees and bushes. the lights from the cars amplified this feeling of the world was so beautiful. this was around 8 or 9pm. well past dark. the sky was so full of awesome colours of gray and brown and white of the passing storm clouds.

well, i was also hugely euphoric. i mean holy moly euphoria! i love euphoria. it's like being so drunk you cant walk or stand right. but this euphoria is like the feeling of vivid fluidsy without the cost of drunkness. i started to wonder what it would be to be hit by one of the many passing cars or trucks. i started to think about what my obliturary would read like. i wondered what my suicide note would read. but of course i wouldn't have had time to write one. i started to get really angry at all the people who shunned and treated me like dirt. then it passed and it was back to euphoria, and watching all the cars pass. i was rather grandiose during this time, and starting to think about how awesome and how indestructible i am. at some point, i started to laugh at how absurd i was thinking, and turned back home.

was still thinking about wanting to throw my self in front of a truck to see what would happen. D:

yea. now i think about it, it was pretty scary. but it wasn't at the time.

T thinks i was really too dangerously close to being psychotic, and losing touch with reality. i dunno about that... but, eh, second opinions?

(I've had a bad mixed episode since the last time i was here. i was literally laughing while crying.... it was intense.)

[disguise123]

sounds very worrying.
You need to be very careful.
Do u have someone who can keep a eye on u?

[CesarioRose]

well, the episode is over.. i thinksies.

[disguise123]

yes it possibly is, but u need to have a plan in place.
Sadly these things can reoccur

[Tsunamisurfer]

Originally Posted by CesarioRose

T thinks i was really too dangerously close to being psychotic, and losing touch with reality. i dunno about that... but, eh, second opinions?

Yup, sounds like a close call. Close to Psychotic? Probably. But I'm not qualified to make that judgement.
I have experienced something similar quite frequently. The idea of ending my life comes from a long standing view that there is not a lot I can do, because I am so unpredictable and unreliable. My hopes of having a life sustaining career are at an all time low. So whenever I get euphoric, carefree and wild (which is fairly often recently) I get moments of pessimism colouring my carefree and flighty ideas and perceptions. The most bizarre methods of suicide suddenly become all romanticised and appealing.
I don't think those moments have been the ones to bring me closest to actually carrying out a suicide attempt. I seem to reserve those for the non psychedelic moments of pitch black molasses.

[CesarioRose]

Well, historically i become suicidal only when i'm depressed and when i feel so much mental anguish, it starts to become something that makes sense to alleviate the pain. i've never been suicidal when high, or mixed. which is why i am kinda scared by it. :/

the urges weren't that strong though; i've had stronger ones, and walked away fine. it was thoughts of what would happen if___. but the manic side of it kinda says that if i had gotten more curious about it, i might have done it. obviously a delusion thinking i would/could survive.

*****. D:

//Edit// It's actually NOT over. I am raging. I am so so so so VERY ANGRY. i want to rage the heck out of someone i know. i want to sit in a corner and cry my heart away. someone pass me something to quiet this dissonance in my head.

[disguise123]

((((CR)))))

[CesarioRose]

what does cr mean?

D:

you know it's annoying when you get all worked up and go to the gym. and work your but off. then you go get some dinner, and you see your mate's car in the lot, too, but you don't see them in the store. then the anxiety hits, and on the way home, you start to scream swear words because yo didn't exert the effort to find your mates. Then you spend the rest of the night feeling really sad about the outburst, that happened privately. D:

on the verge of tears. i was so ELATED after working out at the gym. it was such a pick me up. sgsgsjgjs;kgjnslifgiafoiahf

[disguise123]

(cr ) is u cesario rose!
Darl can you call a friend or the hospital i think your in more of a dangerous place than u realise.
Ive been tHere before....

[Can't Stop Crying]

It sounds like a scary place you are in right now and unpredictable, is there someone who can stay with you to make sure you're safe?

[CesarioRose]

eh, i'll just start to dissociate from the stress. and spend time with my sisters.

i think i'm starting to pull out of it back into depression.... >_>

<_<
>_>
>.<;;;

i hate being bipolar. but the euphoria is just too damn good to give up when it does happen. D:

[ladyjrnlist]

Could we please remember to use the trigger warning icon on such threads?