[UpInTheTrees]

Hi,
I recently got out of the hospital this past October for a relapse and its been a great struggle and flurry of emotions. When I got out I felt high like I could conquer anything since I survived and was very eager to be expressive to friends and colleagues. Now I've sunken into a depression; working with my therapist, I discovered that I usually covered up my emotions of sadness and distress and failure, always shooting forward for the next creative task or venture I could think of, it was like a high. When I was down I hid it from friends, isolated, overslept not to feel it, or used internet porn as an escape. I don't like these coping ways and they are not like me.

I am struggling with experiencing emotions of distress now that I am taking the time to feel them. I feel lost in what to do with them; how to cope. I am a good starter, so I have the ability to amp myself to call a friend or reach out like now. However, I don't know what to say or want kind of relief or support I wish. I can't concentrate, it's tough to let go and just experience the phone conversation for what it is. I'm so cloudy and jar by my current feelings. I can only start the conversation with, "Hi, I'm feeling really down and ******," then I don't know what I expect or want to hear and also I am trying to let go of this need to control and know what I want at the end,I have not control over that just myself. So I'm totally lost when it comes to calling someone and hangout with your friends to feel better. I feel like no one understands me and I struggle conveying it.

So...I've been pushing myself volunteer once in a while to get human contact and even go to a yoga class. In the past these things cheered me up and they amped me up to try more and stay with high energy and motivation. But now with my sad lingering feelings, I get more clouded and confused in thought. I feel more low and more isolated and more difficult to even go to a class or volunteer. The bed seems the more comfortable resource, but then makes me anxious since I start thinking about how I'm not doing anything.

So...Med Change: my shrink who has been pushing me weekly to do stuff finally talked with my therapist and cooled off because he understood that I am working on some tough feelings and coping and my motivation is low. I told him its getting worse so he wants to do a medication change as follows:

I was taking seroquel at night, lamictal and tregrotal in the day. They worked before all this, but with my depression worsening. He prescribed me Prozac and Ativan. He also wants to change my seroquel to konopin next time in 2 weeks, I am very concerned because seroquel is the only drug that has helped me go to sleep since my first manic espisode a couple of years ago.

Today is the first day I am taking the Prozac 20mg and he told me to take the konopin as needed when I feel anixous (my anixous symtoms have appeared just 2 weeks ago) before I was okay.

I really overslept today because I didn't feel motivated or happy to face the day. [ACCEPTANCE piece] With this medication change, I am begining to feel that there are forces in the brain I cannot control through thought or behavior or even therapy. That a really have a sickiness that causes problems with the electrical energy and firing of certain brain receptors or lack there of. They call it a chemical inbalance in the brain. I am sad because I though it was me and I could do sometime inside through some thought or mediation or self control, which I struggle with to control my mind and mood.

I got out of bed feeling really anxious and took the konopin, I felt the relieve right away, it made it feel better, but my sadness is there...this jump in moods and problems with motivation and balance are due to this chemical imbalance and as hard as you try to think of training your brain or pushing to be social, the drugs are still needed to balance and stabilize moods....feelings....I'm feeling sad because I thought I was at fault for my hospitalization and finacial ruins, that I had not done this or that to stop this. I could always help it. Also thinking about the example my shrink told me: He said that it is like high cholesterol in you heart, some people need to be on medication to balance and regulate it. I have this illness or condition whatever that I must take medicine for to help me adjust, balance, and live a normal life.

So...I felt a lot (you have no idea) of guilt in the past, that I ****ed up, I caused hurt, and harm, I failed....but could it be that this is a condition I couldn't help. Have I been to hard on myself all this time!!?? Thinking that it was me at fault and this condition I could or should have be able to control.

I shouldn't feel guilty or hard on myself. I could have made all these changes or stuff, but it is an illness that I cannot miraculously regulate and control without the help of medication, because it is a true biological and physiological impairment. Like diabetes, or heart conditions, or other things.

Could it be that? Have I been shooting myself in the foot all this time. Feeling guilt and placing guilt on me and how I failed. I feel sad and hurt, and not knowing how to console or sooth. I’ve held this guilt so long and it has been ever so troubling to accept having bi-polar.

Please share.

[blueoctober]

After a major episode it does take time for one to recover, so try to go easy on yourself. You wouldn't expect someone that had just gone through Cancer treatment to suck it up and get on with life. Has your therapist suggested any coping methods to deal with the guilty feelings?

I find when I'm in a depressive episode if I don't force myself to exercise go to the stables, eat properly etc. the depression becomes worse. I know it's hard and it's an awful feeling to do something that normally brings you joy, and feel nothing or feel overwhelming sadness.

I hope you start feeling like yourself soon.

[ladyjrnlist]

I just was hospitalized last week for a major depressive episode. Sometimes, we do everything right and things still go astray for us. My T changed me off Lamictal to Depakote. I hope it works. I take Lithium and Effexor and Klonipin also.
I was taken off Seroquel and put on Klonipin a while back because the Seroquel was keeping me too slowed down and contributing to depression.
I've slept better on Klonipin than Seroquel.
Hang in there. It is a truly hard time to go through, I feel your pain.