[ToriTM]

Hello my bipolar kindred. I hope it was a stable and wonderful day for you.

I am not doing so well. For an unknown reason, I have slid into a deep depression.

I have a wonderful husband and a beautiful child. Our relationships are great most of the time, including now. With the exception that I can't talk to him about any of this. He doesn't understand. Sometimes, my erratic behaviors provoke arguments and create discord. I'd rather avoid that. I am not his problem. I am only my own problem. But I do need the support. That is why I'm here.

I don't want to get out of bed. It's taking all of my energy to write this. I am lethargic and only want to be alone. I am having crying spells over nothing. I'm not planning suicide but it flashes in my mind, "I just want to die." Only because I can't imagine going to this dark place again and having to stay for an undetermined amount of time. I have to pull it together for my son, and that's about all I have to give. Everything is overwhelming and irritating. I can't sleep and I don't want to eat. Nothing tastes good and although I just want to be unconscious, I can't seem to get there. It's a mess and I'm not sure what sparked it. Not that finding the answer to that would be finding the solution.

I feel like a burden to my family when I'm like this. I sometimes feel like my son would be better off with a different mother. My husband could be happier without my storm cloud. They are all so good to me. I just don't know how to get out of this. I want to get out of this. But something is tugging me downward.

Please help me before it gets any worse. It's starting to. When this first started, there wasn't anything wrong in my life. Now, my sister is clearly blowing me off for her new boyfriend. It's so childish, but it hurts my feelings and disappoints me when she lies and breaks plans with me. She let my husband down today. He had to break down and tell me that she was part of the Easter surprise that he was going to get me. He wanted to find a little boy kitten for me. And then there was no kitty, anyway. I was disappointed beyond belief. Now the bills are piling up and I have to call around to get some things that were billed wrong fixed. I'm overwhelmed by the idea and don't know if I can take the task on.

Please, I need advice. I need someone to pull me out of this. Say something, anything I've tried to tell myself over and over that this won't last forever and that I'm strong enough to get through it. I've done it before. But it's just not enough this time. I cry and cry, because I feel so alone in bipolar, although my sister has it too. That's what makes this so complicated. If I weren't so hurt by her, I'd be able to talk to her about this. But I can't.

Help me find my way out of this depression.

[Confusedinomicon]

I think the best solution to the arguments with your husband would be to go into a separate room, give yourself enough time to talk to him without getting upset, then go and talk to him. I find that this solution can be very helpful if all you can do is feel angry and vulnerable.

I also think it sounds like you need a med change. I think when you are taking meds that are supposed to help you, and they seem to stop doing their job, it is time to make an appointment with your doctor. Whatever you do, DO NOT tell your doctor you are fine when you are in distress!

You're not alone though. Everyone here experiences the ups and downs of bipolar disease.

((Tori))

[Mac Murphy]

You just got some great advice from Confused. She is spot on about talking to your doctor and telling them exactly what you are feeling. They will help you get through this with medications but you need to be seeing a therapist as well. For many of us who struggle with BP the combination of a good therapist and the right medications allows us to be much more stable to the point that we can do all of the activities of daily life that we need to do.

Like your husband, my wife cannot understand all of what I am feeling and going through but she tries. It is a constant battle to be fighting an illness when people around us don't understand. I know your sister battles this as well but in her own illness she may not be able to help you right now and that may be hard to take but it could just be where she is as well.

There are a lot of good people here who will encourage you, support you, and give you hope that you can get past this stage you are in. We have all been there and we understand.

Keep reading and learning what you can from this group and never give up.

Peace,
Mac