i've been dating an army officer from here. we have great times together and have so much in common. he is much younger than i and it doesn't faze him in the least..............HOWEVER, i told him about being bipolar and he almost passed out. seems he has a relative that is bipolar and refuses to take meds, etc. etc. etc. so, we're at a painful time now. the only thing he knows about bipolar is from the relative. i've talked to him, but i don't act "crazy" and it's all very confusing to him. i suspect that he thinks i'm going to go into mania or "the drain" and that scares the hell out of him.

should i have told him? we had had 6 dates. we were exchanging life stuff, the night i brought it up. i really enjoy being with him, but the thought that he is watching my behavior (not that he would say that) makes me sad. suggestions?

[dottie]

Just be yourself.

TGC

[BlueFaith]

I don't think it was a bad idea to tell him. I understand that he probably doesn't know too much about bipolar and maybe it scares the heck out of him. But hopefully he'll understand that bipolar doesn't define who you are. With his relative not being on meds for bipolar, I'm guessing he's probably thinking this is just awful. Maybe try to explain to him that it's something you deal with, and sometimes you may have a hard time with it, but it's not all that you're about. Hopefully he'll be content with that? I hope you are able to work this out since you like him so well and you 2 have such good times together.

[JustBen]

There's no telling what kind of experience he's had with his relative, so I'm sure the behavior-watching will continue for a little while...but I bet it will fade with time. I really think telling him now was the absolute right thing to do. If you had waited until things got more serious, imagine how things could've gone.

Thanks....as most of you know, I always try to lead with the truth and an open heart. I believed that honesty was best and we're planning future things, such as me flying to San Antonio (while he's there for Christmas) for a Spurs game.....I couldn't see not being up front about being bipolarbearian. It's just not in me to not inform...we are getting too close to have that kind of secret. I'll let you in on a little secret...I'm older than his mother. I was three when she was born. Am I nervous??????????

[Azalysa]

Re: Your secret - I've tended to date younger guys most of my life - not that I set out looking for them, but that is who I attract. Can understand the nervousness but as another noter said, just be your beautiful self.

On the bipolar part - the last guy I dated (and at the time we were talking marriage) I was going to share this with him because, as you do, I believe in total honesty. One night before I had a chance to do so, he said that it was wonderful to be with me because his ex-girlfriend was bi-polar and ON MEDS!! He made the "on meds" part sound like a crime. He went on to say how up and down she was in her emotions. I was thinking that her issue *may* have been not taking her meds. I'll never know. But it showed me this guy was totally uneducated on mental illness.

I did a lil "probe" and said: "So my emotions don't seem to vary?" and he said "No, you're very stable" then he looked at me funny and said "You're not on meds are you?" (Again his hang-up with meds.) I told him I was and then gave him at least a half-hour mini-educational lesson on mental illness - particularly depression & bi-polar - etc., etc.

The timing of this disclosure was interesting because we had a pre-marital counseling session with my pastor the next morning and one of the things asked of us was if we had any health problems - we both said no. Then my pastor said, "including mental health?" So, I had to disclose again, but was SO thankful I had already covered this with my fiance so he wouldn't be hearing this for the first time.

Bottom line for me - I don't go out advertising my illness, but in a situation where a possible on-going relationship is being formed, I feel they have the right to know, and vice versa.

(As it turned out, I ended up breaking the engagement with this guy - nothing to do with my illness. He turned out to be portraying himself as someone he wasn't.)

Sending warm thoughts to you!

[TgrsPurr]

Hello my friend.
First and foremost, you totally did the right thing. If this gentleman cannot handle your dx it's better to find out now instead of later when your more emotionally invested in this relationship. Continue to be honest, open and give him the time he needs to decide for himself that the tx you're receiving makes a huge difference than someone who won't take their meds. Be patient with him...you can harly blame him for his need to watch your moods...this is a very smart thing for him to do...he'll come to the conclusion that you are NOT crazy and out of control...this will offer him the security and willingness to move forward in this relationship.
I'm very happy for you that you are in a relationship and that your experiencing a connection with a fellow human being. It's fabulous that your willing to share yourself and your feelings with someone. It's never too soon too be honest about who you are, what you bring to the table. A very wise person once told me, We are only as sick as our secrets. Plus you won't feel the burden of keeping a secret, eating a way at you. You're doing just fine.
I know that this is just my opinion, but perhaps you can take some positive encouragement from what I've had to say about this.
You're friend, TgrsPurr, xo.

[bipolar_bear]

As relationships become serious I think it is important to be open and honest with each other. BP is an important aspect of your life. It took great courage to share this with him. I think it could be positive that he is observing your behavior rather than assuming everyone will be like his relative who is untreated. As you are stable I think it will enlighten him that a relationship will not be fraught with emotional upheavals that his relative may experience frequently. At least you will know that his decision will be made well thought out and with observed data. I think that his decision to have you come down to San Antonio is a very positive sign. I am so happy you have found someone whom you are so enamored with. I wish you a long relationship.

[darkeyes]

I admire you for telling him, honesty in a relationship is important. Try explaining to him this disorder is not "one size fits all", there are different degrees of it, different types, mixed disorders, etc. In other words, try to stress to him that we all are not the stereotypical that media and ignorance stigmatizes us with. Also tell him there are many good, effective meds that can help (they do too) and that patient compliancy makes a whole lot of difference.
If he has time to read, some of the suggested reading at the top of this forum can be of help. Another thing that can help is, if your area has a medical center that sponsors free monthly meetings that have support and educational groups meet with friends, and families of those with disorders.
I feel it is so important for more info. to be made to those who do not have any mental health disorders, amazingly those may be surprised that they may have one too.
Okay, I apologize for my ramblings, it happens sometimes that I can chat on and on, ha!ha!
You did the right thing, dear one.

Sincerely,
Roe

WHAT AM I THANKFUL FOR TODAY? THIS BIPOLARBEARIAN FORUM! I KNEW THAT I HAD DONE THE RIGHT THING, BUT YOU GUYS DOUBLE CONFIRMED IT.... I'M CERTAINLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THAT SPURS GAME!!!
And, younger guys have always been attracted to me. I don't go out looking for them. I've always met them in some ordinary way and then things evolved. And you know what? Most of them have been much more "evolved and enlightened" than the men closer to my age. So, it's inevitable that I enjoy them. (I refuse to carry someone's fiber in my purse for him)