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#1
May 08, 2011, 05:18 PM
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Since I was 16, I was depressed, most of the time. The summer after I turned 24 I had my first hospitalization for Suicidal Ideation. The following month (We are looking at September now) I went again again for the same reason. In November, after I turned 25 (year 2010) My house was broken into (through the window), I lost my job (because I was not the same worker I was when I started), and the guy i was dating for 2 months decided he didn't want to anymore. The depression hit me hard. It was Christmas (2010) that I experienced my first obvious manic moment. My thoughts were going a mile a minute and I couldn't type fast enough to my cousin to tell her how I felt. Fastforward to January of this year... The "spies" in my room wouldnt leave me alone. My horrifying fear of my mother being killed or raped was too much to bear and the inability to tell whether the voices in my mind were ones I should listen to (telling me to stab myself with a screwdriver) all ended me in my latest hospital stay. The changed my medications and I swung into my first most obvious manic episode. 2 Days ago, the episode FINALLY ended. I am neither depressed nor manic. And I find myself fearing this. I don't know how to "be". I don't know who i am now that I am finally left to my own devices. Has anyone else ever felt this? It's all very new to me and I'm not sure whether to be excited and happy that nothing is wrong, or to fear how long i have left till the next episode starts. I fear that for awhile, I became Bipolar and not myself, not the girl I was before it all began. I'm not really sure I can explain efficiently how I feel. Anyone know where I am at right now? I know no one can tell how long it's going to be. I just want to know if the fear I'm feelings has been felt by someone else.
-Abe Last edited by FooZe; May 08, 2011 at 05:57 PM. Reason: added trigger icon |
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#2
May 08, 2011, 08:13 PM
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I understand the fear........being neither manic nor depressed and wondering how long it will last and wondering how to 'be'. I understand it, you're not alone!
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#3
May 09, 2011, 08:28 AM
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I've often said that I feel as if I've been ill for so long that I don't know who I am. BP robbed me of an identity by rearing it's ugly head when I was supposed to be "finding myself". I feel like I'm a different person depending on my mood. It's something I've learned to live with by trying to define myself by the person I am at my baseline, and working on that person. I can't explain it well, either.
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#4
May 09, 2011, 08:43 AM
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What you said is not uncommon in bipolars. I've been there too and I know that it's NOT pleasant, but I don't know how best to handle it. I'll let you know if I ever find out.
__________________
"Monsters are real, and ghosts are real too. They live inside us, and sometimes, they win." ~Stephen King Dx Bipolar II Med-free for the time being |
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#5
May 09, 2011, 10:28 AM
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Thank you all for responding and sharing with me that I am not the only one who feels this way. Just knowing that helps in a way.
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#6
May 10, 2011, 04:08 AM
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Quote:
 (((Abe)))Yep, been there. Still not far from it, every day. You have certainly had a very traumatic experience, and with the prospect of this recurrent disorder possibly throwing you around again, I'm not surprised you are going through an identity and possibly life prospects rethink. As I write that, I'm actually writing about myself. There is a lot you can do to equip yourself to make a good life with Bipolar disorder. Yes, it does alter our paths. Yes, there will probably be rocky times ahead. But the more we get to know how to manage it, and in some cases make good use of it, the better our prospects are. Get to know as much as you can about Bipolar and how you personally function best. There are some good books around. See the sticky thread "Bipolar Recommended Books" for some ideas. Support groups can often provide information at an experiential level that many professionals can't provide. Psychotherapists can help us work through many of the new emotional and skills issues we face. I take it you are on mood stabilising meds and will continue to take them even while stable. I hope you manage to keep out of the BP extremes for a long time, and come to terms with good ways to remain stable and live a good life. Peter |
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