I feel like such a bad person today. I'm so selfish and sometimes I know I'm manipulating and I can't stop myself. I'm so overwhelmed with feeling like crap about myself and I deserve it.

My boyfriend and I are having problems and today I guilted him into staying home from work because I am upset and don't want to be alone. He held out for quite a while but I broke him down. He swears up and down that it wasn't because I guilted him and that he just realized what I said made sense but I know that's not true.

I don't understand why I think my feelings are more important then his. We're having problems because of something that he did and sometimes I feel like I want him to hurt like I am. I'm not saying that him staying home from work will hurt him, I'm just saying I feel like that sometimes. No matter what I'm feeling that emotion just over comes me and I can't feel anything else. I don't want to be like this anymore but I don't know how to change. If I can be rational in my head and know what I'm doing is wrong but I can't stop myself how am I ever going to change?

I just needed someone to know how I'm feeling and get it out there.

[ScooterBug]

Hang in there!! It's so much easier to be selfish and want things your way than to stop and think of someone else's feelings and do the logic things that you're able to think of. It's not this way just for us with BP, but any human being. It's just a lil tougher on us ... but not impossible!!

Try to take a moment and write down the logical things you've thought about and make the effort to do something to make your bf and yourself have a good time. Something as simple as watching a movie he likes and ordering the pizza with the toppings he likes to get. Not talk about blaming or issues for that one night and just enjoying each other.

I am sure that when you put just a lil effort towards making each other happy for just the duration of a movie, you will both feel a lot better. We all go through the ups and downs of relationships and for the most part we all just look out for our own feelings.

Don't beat yourself up, instead be glad to you've realized you have been thinking and behaving this way and that's the 1st step to making matter better. A lot of women out there don't even care enough to worry about their actions the way you have. And those women are labeled as "normal" by society. Go figure!!

I hope you do get a moment to relax a lil and make something happen for the both of you and have a moment of clarity and happiness. Keep us posted on what movie was picked and which pizza toppings you went with ... I might just rent the same movie tonight since it's pizza night at my house too!!

Thank you for your advice

We ended up watching Killers with Ashton Kutcher. I don't care for him but like you said, it was his choice. it wasn't a bad movie. Afterwards we sat in the dark and watched the storm outside and it was really nice