[Wil_Verstaan]

Ok this is a difficult thing to talk about. I have been living with my fiancee for about a year and a half now. Thing were more than great in the beginning in fact it was almost too good to be true.

Then the mood swings started, the smallest of problem would make her whole day go to the dogs. That was ok we talked still. Then gradually the talking became less and less.

On Monday she came back from a visit out of town with one of her friends and she told me things don't feel good anymore. I asked her is there any hope of fixing this thing? She said she just feels nothing. And that I just make her feel guilty.

She slept elsewhere till today, yesterday i convinced her, for me and her to go and talk with her mother (she has always said she won't be one of those couples that goes to couples therapy).

She comes out of a broken home and did not know her biological father, while we discussed her breakup with me her mother told her that her biological father had bipolar disorder.

It was as if a light when on when her mother started to talk about the symptoms. My fiancee was ready to move out yesterday morning but after we talked to her mother, she has agreed to go see a shrink today, we will live in the same house but in different rooms. (This is very difficult for me)

I would like to ask, how do I support her?
How do I remain sane?
What is the best to do, should we live in the same house?

She is cold as ice towards me at the moment, she does not even really look me in the eyes, but at least she is going to try to get help...

Will she always connect me with this feelings of guilt, and shame?

[sugahorse1]

I hope her going to see the psychiatrist (or is she going to a psychologist?) Will answer a few questions for you. If she is dx'd BP, she can start on meds and ideally should go to therapy. It wouldn't be couples therapy, and it should be a lot easier for her to eventually open up if it's just her and the therapist.
As she gets a hold of her dx and symptoms, you'll realise things between you will get better.

I'm sure she also has a lot to work through from her childhood.
I know it's hard right now, but just getting her to seek help is a HUGE step forwards.
Hang in there, and check in with us whenever you need to, ok?

[Wil_Verstaan]

Thanks Sugarhorse. I understand that it won't be couples therapy, at the moment it is better that she goes alone. I think she feels guilty and ashamed and my presence will only make things worse...

I have also made a appointment for myself, I want to talk to someone about this. I can't speak to our friends, not yet anyway.

On a sidenote, should we remain living together? ATM we are still staying together, but i have moved to another room. And I am refraining from talking to her or expressing my emotions to her. Talk about the weather etc, but not about her BD, she is cold and non-emotional, distant and I don't want to push her further away.

[sugahorse1]

I think this is a difficult time for her, and none of her reactions will seem 'normal' to you. If she is seeking help, and is given a diagnosis, she may also take this hard, but she will need support. And at least it offers the opportunity for her to seek help, including medical intervention.
Personally, I think she's going to need you more than ever. She may not show it, but if I were her, my world would fall apart if my fiance moved out just as everything is about to bubble over. She needs your support.
This must be terribly hard for you, and you are going to have to walk a fine line between helping her and making sure you are not selfless and do still look after yourself. The sooner she can get professional help, the easier it will be for things to slot back into place.

I am still confused as to how the bipolar idea only came about recently. If she has only recently started acting out of sorts, I'm assuming something must have triggered this. Otherwise, is there anything between you that happened and her actions are now not acceptable to you anymore?
I was dx'd 3 years after my bf and I got together, and it wasn't easy. Sure, it explained a good few of my actions, and helped my bf and myself understand my brain a bit better, but I still need to take responsibility for my moods, meds and therapy too. He will tread a little more lightly around me, but it ends up a give and take - a lot of understanding

[Direction]

Welcome! I'm hope you find the support you are looking for...

I too wonder if there are some things that recently happened that triggered...or maybe it wasn't as noticable?

[Wil_Verstaan]

Originally Posted by Direction

Welcome! I'm hope you find the support you are looking for...

I too wonder if there are some things that recently happened that triggered...or maybe it wasn't as noticable?

Well to answer both posts:

There wasn't a specific event that triggered her to want to break up, it has been going good then bad then good then bad. She has had a lot of stress this pat month at work.

I have noticed that she goes through spells of constant tiredness, for a month or 2, then everything is fine again. This has been going on for about a year. When she is 'normal' things are great we have fun together and enjoy each others company. But the smallest of things can trigger her and then the whole week is spoiled, she remains angry.

It is not me who want to move out, it was she who wanted to move out. I am willing to try and work on our relationship together, she said she does not want to she doesn't have the energy/willingness to work on it.

She is scared if we work on it, and it goes good for 2 months or a year and then this happens again, she said she is not willing to go through the pain again, and then in the same breath she would say, but I'm afraid if I leave you I will regret it...

I am extremely confused, I was angry but I am now calm but sad. We can talk about the feelings (or in her case the absence of feelings) calmly. Not angry anymore. But I am trapped in twilight/purgatory on our relationship.
The uncertainty is overwhelming...

I think the combination of the stress of organizing a marriage(and us paying for it) and elevated work stress in the past few months might have triggered it.

Thankyou for your support

[blueoctober]

Welcome Wil_Verstaan. How long have you been in a relationship with your fiance? I suggest she see a Psychiatrist for a diagnosis. I would also suggest she have a full physical exam by a GP. There are medical concerns that can mimic mental illness symptoms. I would take care of yourself and honor your feelings. Seeing a therapist is an excellent idea. The book in my signature is for family/friends of those diagnosed. It's excellent.

[madisgram]

Accept your own limits. You can’t rescue a person with bipolar disorder, nor can you force someone to take responsibility for getting better. You can offer support, but ultimately, recovery is in the hands of the person with the illness.

Twelve Things to Do If Your Loved One Has Bipolar, Depression or Some Other Mood Disorder

Supporting Someone with Bipolar - For Family and Friends

• Don't regard this as a family disgrace or a subject of shame. Mood disorders are biochemical in nature, just like diabetes, and are just as treatable.
• Don't nag, preach or lecture to the person. Chances are he/she...

http://www.healthyplace.com/bipolar-...er/menu-id-67/

[Wil_Verstaan]

Thankyou all for your support, I will try to be supportive without being "in her face" and judgemental (If she wants me around). Otherwise I will respect her choice and try to move on.

[Glimmerofhope]

Originally Posted by Wil_Verstaan

Thanks Sugarhorse. I understand that it won't be couples therapy, at the moment it is better that she goes alone. I think she feels guilty and ashamed and my presence will only make things worse...

I have also made a appointment for myself, I want to talk to someone about this. I can't speak to our friends, not yet anyway.

On a sidenote, should we remain living together? ATM we are still staying together, but i have moved to another room. And I am refraining from talking to her or expressing my emotions to her. Talk about the weather etc, but not about her BD, she is cold and non-emotional, distant and I don't want to push her further away.

my boyfriend has it and dumps me every few months , is irratibale and has lack of eye contact and acts agressive , its a blimmin hard thing to deal with , as u become a carer its all about them and ur needs get pushed to the bottom - its ur choice - but read up as much as u can - so u know exactly what u are letting urself in for , also it can come back in children too so be aware its hard - in an ideal world u could walk away but i understand u love her but tough times are ahead best of luckx