[mgran]

I'm feeling AWFUL today, really really really bad.

Part of it is because I've been thinking about the fact that my brother has edited our mother out of existence. She killed herself thinking that nobody would miss her... and he's done everything he can to prove her right. On his wedding day he never mentioned her, and I've discovered that my nieces don't even realise they had a Granny Ann. They believe our stepmother is our biological mother. I love my stepmother, but she's not my Mother.

My brother has said that he doesn't want his girls to think about mental illness, or suicide, but I think the truth of it is that he doesn't want to think about it himself. And it breaks my heart that my mother's darling boy, who she loved SO much has swept her out of existence.

It's made me wonder what would happen if I were to die, would I also be edited out of the world, as though I'd never existed.

I'm not suicidal, I can't ever allow myself to be, but I am thinking a lot about death. My poor Mum. I wish there was anything I could have said to have saved her, but if she had foreseen the future it would just have confirmed her hopelessness, her belief that she wasn't loved.

My nieces are the image of my Mum. I wish I could show them photos, talk about how funny she was, how clever, and kind, and pretty and smart.

But he doesn't even have a photo of her. She died twice.

[Forgive77]

Wow...sounds like he's really angry at your mom for killing herself. Maybe he has these thoughts too, but like you, he can shut them out. Maybe he doesn't understand why she couldn't do that. I wish my brother and dad would get help. They suffer so much but wont recognize something is wrong. I'm sure my brother will end up in jail or dead due to drunk driving one day. But I've done all I can do with them. Hopefully, your brother's anger will subside one day. It's not healthy in many ways for these girls not to know. But I know you know that. I'm sorry you feel bad. You can't control it, so you have to let it go. Maybe you can keep up many pictures in your home, so they'll ask one day. =) Then she'll come back to life.

[Miss Laura]

Hey Mgran,

Wow that must be really hard for you. I think your Brother is maybe afraid of MH and the stigma etc associated with it. Can you not talk to him about this? I am presuming he knows of your own MH struggles... How does he cope known your MH status? Does your Nieces not know at all? I feel for you as its such a major thing in your life.

[mgran]

My brother was very sympathetic when I was finally diagnosed. He told me he'd all along suspected I was "different" in the same way that our mother was "different."

I live a very long way away from my brother, so my nieces never come to visit me. It's always me going to visit them. Yes... I guess you're right... he's obviously angry with her. She was very difficult towards the end, and he had to bear the brunt of it, since I was at university, and she'd driven my Dad out of the house. I was home when she took her overdose, but he was home for the months before hand, living hand to mouth and cadging cooked dinners from friends because there was never any food in the house. I had a bit of that, but then I got to escape and go to uni. My brother went too, after my mother died, but the year of his A levels was just an unmitigated nightmare. I suppose I should bear in mind that it hurt him perhaps more than anyone else... particularly because he was her favourite. I imagine he still can't quite believe that she left him.