What does a mixed episode feel like for you?

This is such a great thread to vent in 💕 Mine feel like Gollum from lord of the rings has taken over my brain, or like I’m becoming Gollum from lord of the rings. I talk obsessively out loud to myself, and I concentrate a lot less; and I feel irritable and agitated. I also get urges to do impulsive things and drink a lot to cope with this gremlin like state. And it definitely affects my self esteem. But I also get periods where I feel really excited, and I’m frustrated that I’m talking out loud and can’t control my thoughts, but I’m also feelings really positive things. But I almost always get suicidal urges, walk more to random places while feeling agitated, and find it hard to fall asleep on time during those episodes. It is a nightmare!