So overwhelming.

To explain my current problem, I have to give a bit of back story. Forgive the novel, I know it's a pain.

Almost two years ago I reunited with my son's father, it was his first birthday and we decided to be a couple again to give our son a pretty normal life. We got engaged, we struggled, we tried to live a happy (if extremely poor) life. And then it hit me, and by "it" I mean "He". It hadn't been 8 months before I came to my grandparents asking to move in with them. It's a family farm, 3 generations old. My parents, siblings, and their respective spouses all live on the same eight acre piece of dirt. When I moved in I had a very hard time finding a job. I decided to let go of the job idea and reevaluate by going back to school. I'm currently aiming for a bachelor's degree.

I've been here since April of last year, and I just can't seem to get out of my rut. My son will be 3 in a month, I am still unemployed. My son's father doesn't pay child support because he's a loser and will do whatever it takes to keep from owning up to his responsibilities. My grandparents and my parents don't get along so I find that I end up slap in the middle of every quarrel they have. I live with my grandparents but I'm always supposed to be on my parent's "side". I tend to get yelled at by my grandparents for everything that happens on this farm. My brother left my grandpa's tools out, my parents want to buy a travel trailor, my sister's daughter is too fat for their liking and thus she is a bad mother. I am too hard on my son so they think that I'm just horrible to him. It has gotten to the point that I try to avoid them. I keep myself and my son cooped up in the room we share all day so that they wont have any influence over my son. My license was suspended because I couldn't pay my insurance and so I scrapped my car for diaper money and to buy pizza one night because my son was getting so bored and needed something fun. I have no money, no transportation. I have 2 friends (yes, that's all) who seem conveniently busy when I'm having a breakdown, and my mom's amazing but not of much help when I'm feeling blue. She's very much a realist, and will simply tell me that if I don't like my situation, I should change it.

But it's just not that easy. Getting a job requires putting my son in day care. He's too much for my family to handle all day every day. Putting him in day care is expensive. Finding and keeping a job is nearly impossible without a way to get there. And if I get a job, I know I'll have to drop college to be able to sleep on a semi regular basis.

I just don't know what to do. I keep all of my frustrations bottled up. I help anyone whether I can or not. I try my damnedest to put in all my effort but I just feel like I'm so stuck in this rut that I wont be able to get out. I feel like I will be here forever, fighting with my grandparents, hiding my emotions from my family and friends. Anymore it's as if my son is the only reason I haven't done something drastic. Because I don't know where he would end up, or who he'd be with.

I'm so stressed out. I can't sleep, and when I do, I don't sleep well. My son gets on my every and last nerve because he's a high energy kid and he's bored. I just don't have the energy to go outside and play with him. His best friend has become the TV. That makes me feel guilty. I'm struggling with my classes in school. The highlight of my day has become the 7 minutes it takes to smoke a cigarette (that my sister payed me with to watch her children for a day) on the front steps. Where I can sit by myself and daydream about how I wanted my life to be in the first place.

There's just so many pieces to pick up if I am to get on my feet. I don't know where to start.

Wow, you're really dealing with a lot right now! From what it sounds like, the fact that you're hanging on at all is impressive, so give yourself some credit. Reaching out on the forums takes courage, too.

When I'm really depressed or stressed, my almost four year old daughter spends some quality time being babysat by Disney. I feel awful, too, but we do what we can. This disorder is not an easy one to live with at the best of times, and when we're already stressed it can be a nightmare. I often don't have the energy to go outside with her, or I have a headache and don't want to be outside in the heat and bright light. One thing I do to help get us both moving is put on music and dance around the room to it with my daughter. That sometimes cheers me up and is good for the both of us. If I can't get out of bed, I bring her to bed with colors and books, and we spend time in my bed reading and practicing colors, shapes, numbers, and letters. My daughter is very energetic, and there are days when I just want to scream because I don't think I have the patience to deal with her bouncing off the walls. Those days I suck it up and drag her outside, even if it's only for twenty minutes. I'll throw a ball to her, or just wander around the yard with her naming colors and objects (she has a speech/language delay), like, "See the blue sky?" "What color is the grass? Is the grass green?" I know a lot of the local trees, so when I had a real yard, we'd take a walk and I'd tell her all the names of the trees. She may not understand now, but it kept her entertained enough to follow me around.

It is sooo hard to have a kid and be in a stressful living situation! I used to have roommates, and one of the roommates was a bipolar alcoholic who refused to admit that he had any problems at all. The house was in his name, and we rented from him, so he seemingly had all the power, too. I used to spend large periods of time with my daughter locked up in our room, too afraid to go out because I didn't want to get involved in the fighting happening outside my door. Its scary, its stressful, it makes you feel trapped... its just miserable. When I had a breakdown, we decided to move out. We sucked it up and got on food stamps, and I started writing more.

Do you enjoy writing? From your post you seem to be articulate, and you might do well building a portfolio on elance.com or freelancer.com and getting a job writing articles, which is how I landed my job. It doesn't pay very well, but it is a bit of income that might make you feel less trapped. It is a little stressful and demanding, so if you're really on edge right now, struggling with school like you said, you might want to wait until you're more stable. If you're looking for a traditional job, day care really is expensive, and in this economy its tough to find a job that's even worth paying for day care. If you look on sittercity.com you might be able to find a sitter near you that charges less than a day care would. You can sign up for the free trial and check out if there are any babysitters near you, then if you spot a few that you like, I think one month on the site is about $10, and you can cancel the subscription right away and only use it for that month to find a steady sitter. That's how my sister found all of her regular sitters.

If all your family lives on the farm, does anyone have extra room for you to get away from your grandparents? If you're on good terms with your parents, could you live with them instead? Even if you had to share a room with your son, it might be worth it to move where you could find peace.

You might considering looking up the number for your local legal aid office and contacting them about what you can do about your child support situation. Legally, your son's father *has* to pay that money. If he gets a tax return, and the state is looking for him to pay the money, they can take the entire tax return and turn it over to you.

I'm sorry you're not sleeping well. When we're stressed, sleep certainly helps us process the emotions better, and when we don't get enough sleep, we have a hard time coping. Have you tried any meditation techniques to relax? I find it helps me when I really don't want to sleep, or when I can't fall asleep. Even resting with my eyes closed helps when I'm low on sleep.

This may not be an option you want to take, but it's certainly helped me- I go to school on my pell grant and take out extra student loans to help pay for living expenses. Because I'm already bipolar, a parent, and a student, I really don't need another actual job on top of that. I do some freelance writing to help pay for bills, but I will not hold down even a part time job- school is my main focus. I can take out an extra six thousand a semester. Repayment is done when I find a job or after six months of being out of school, whichever comes first, and the payments will be based on my salary, so I'm confident that I can afford the loans. I know you can't necessarily get this loan now, but its something to start investigating if you're interested.

Are you on any medication? Do you see a therapist regularly? If so, have you considered an adjustment in medication to help you sleep? Have you called your therapist to talk about your situation? If you don't have one yet, you might consider going to your family doctor and seeing if he/she can recommend a good one for you. If you don't have insurance, try finding a local clinic that charges you based on your income. I don't have any insurance myself, and that's what I have to do to get my medications and counseling.

Lastly, hang in there. Things may be bleak now, but situations change all the time. It may take some time, some work, and a bit of luck, but I have confidence that you'll find your feet again. To have a three year old and be on your own with BP takes a tough person.

There are some great people on these forums. I've found a lot of support in my short time here, and I hope you find it as well.

Blessings,
Aeylania