In Apathetic Land

Well, I don't feel terribly depressed and I sure am not having a high...I feel...nothing. Everything is a major effort. Christmas was very pleasant and peaceful but now I'm just existing.

The last few days I've gotten out of bed, eaten "something" (I won't call some of what I've eaten breakfast), fed my cat, taken my morning meds and gone back to bed. I've been in bed so long that my body is aching but I still want to go seek refuge there with a book and sleep.

There are some activities this week that ordinarily I would be looking forward to, but now they all seem like a chore.

Current meds: 100 mg Zoloft (pdoc wants me on 200 mg but he and T. also say that the SSRI's really don't do much for Bipolar and I hate being on all these meds so since I've been on 100 mg of Zoloft for years I just take that...not sure if that makes any huge difference or not); 500 mg Depakote; 150 mg Wellbutrin SR 3x a day (pdoc says take 2 in the morning and 1 in the evening - pharmacist scared me when I first began taking just 2 a day saying they have to be taken at least 10 hours apart...so a bit concerned about taking 2 at a time, but that's what pdoc said); and continuing to increase the Lamictal - right now on 25 mg daily.

I know I should try to get outside, do something fun, whatever, but it's like my feet are nailed to the floor.

Another thing is, I've been going to bed to read at like 7-8 pm and end up falling asleep for the night, so I've missed my evening meds (the Depakote and Lamictal and third dose of Wellbutrin) a few times over the last 7 days or so. Could that contribute to this?

Mainly wanted to see what others have done in an apathetic state and how you got out of it.

I'm also feeling like there's no way I can return to my current job and then I would have to pay back the employer's portion of the health insurance they paid during my disability and I have no $ to do that. (Ok, guess that topic should be a separate post, but it's something weighing on my mind and possibly adding to my current "frozen" mode.

Ok, going back to bed now.


~An optimist is someone who doesn't yet have all the facts~

Missing your evening meds could be contributing. (I mean, you're taking them for a reason, right? So if you miss a dosage, it's not doing what it's supposed to do for you.)

What's helped me pull out of an apathetic funk is to schedule my day. Sit down with a piece of paper and write down what you're going to do...hour by hour. Then stick with it, even if you're not having much fun. It at least prevents me from going back to bed or nesting in the house all day, and eventually the stuff that I find fun gets to be fun again. Good luck.

I have been in this state since my son was placed back in foster care to go through residential treatment a little over three years ago. I know the reason I'm like is because without my son to care for I have no reason to get up and so on but I forced myself to get up and do things because the caseworker at that time was telling me "she was leaving the door open for his return", So I got up, dragged myself out of the house every day and made myself stick to my therapy program and made myself goals like correlating my peoms/writing the book so others would know they are not alone in having Dissociative Identity Disorder and it is possible to heal and how I did and am doing it with great results. September 2004 after that caseworker was fired due to harrassment, breach of the federal law HIPPA, breach of state and federal mental health laws and codes of ethics and rights on my case and others, and making false statements to me and others on the case I found out she knew all along due to state law my son would NOT be coming home again until he turned 18. Ever since this no reason to do any thing is worse and harder to fight. I haven't seen my child in three years this month due to his behaviors of suicide/self mutilation , assaulting those trying to help him (with a history of assaulting me), threats to kill all around him, and constantly running away from his placements. Some days its like my child has died and I am in complete morning crying and wanting to die, other days I don't remember he exists at all, and some rare few days I am glad he isn't here beating me up anymore.

I know the reason Im stuck in this state - my son is not home so I have no reason to get up and do thinbgs anymore. I know this feeling is not going to go away until he is returned. But I can control the road it takes me on and the way I do that is to come up with short term goals while waiting for that long term goal of his return like -

I pull myself out of bed because I have my sons cat here to take care of. If its in my power his cat will be here for him when he comes home in 5 years.

I stay alive because A friend who lost her daughter to suicide (the daughter was also a frind of mine) cared enough to kick my butt in gear by email telling and reminding me what her and I and many of the daughters friends went through when she died, and how selfish the act of suicide is, and my ex-therapist now friend sat with me in her car explaining what my death would mean and do to her and what the friendship we have means to her. I made promises to these two people and a couple more that I would not die at my own hands.

I stay on my therapy program because I promised that same ex therapist now friend that I would and it is easy to do so since the type of program I have does not necessarily need a therapist to do and maintain so with or without my therapist I can stay on track. There is one specific area that I promised her I would work with my new therapist which I am attempting to do so.

I put together two books one and autobiograpy and the other a book of my peoms both about my life of child sexual abuse and DID and am working on a third in the series therapy for child sexual abuse as an adult and my therapy program for DID.

In a few memory pieces I play the piano. My therapist just located two pianos for me to play on so I have been collecting sheet music to teach/reteach/review and practice playing again.

I started a Support group for women suvivors of child sexual abuse modeled after a fantastic one of a kind group I was in, in my home state started by a fellow survivor/friend of mine.

Basically if I need something and there are no resourses in this community for such I come up with how to start or get that resource here for me and others in the area.

I just keep hanging on and as a friend of mine said about me - I "keep finding hope in hell".

The way I see it I have nothing left to lose for my son is not here for the next 5 years and due to his behavior I have no idea when he will be allowed visitation. I have no where to go but up for I am at rock bottom now.

All thats left are the walls all around me and I can either stay put or start climbing so Im climbing one inch at a time and sometimes the walls cave in as I climb but it can only knock me down to that rock bottom where I already am but I climb once again because my long term goal is to be at the top in 5 years when my son comes home and will need me to be at my best in order to help him when DHS pulls the carpet of scheduling his days and telling him when and where to eat, sleep and ***** on the day he is 18 and graduated high school and is handed about $50.00 and told ok you are not in our program anymore its up to you to figure out your life goodbye.

5:30 pm and I'm awake again.

{{{{Just Been & Pat}}}}} Thank you for your suggestions and support.

myself - You sound like you've been through the wringer. I like your statement of climbing upwards one inch at a time. Thank you so much for sharing your story with me!

I apologize for not being more talkative - I think the sleeping pill I took to try to sleep has me in "slow motion."

I guess I keep thinking I'll "snap out of this" knowing, of course that mental illness doesn't work like that.

Thank you all again for reading and your support!