[espritlibre]

TRIGGER WARNING: thoughts of self-harm

I have been on edge since I got home from work this evening. It's a weekend which may account for some of it - I always get anxious about weekends, school holidays, any period of time where I don't have the routine of work. My head has been full enough to make me really want to cut (I haven't, but only on the basis that the weather is nowhere near cold enough to get away with wearing long sleeves). I feel like it's the only thing that would calm me down. Sometimes when I start to get agitated I can distract myself by watching TV, or try to calm down by checking out meditation/relaxation videos on Youtube. If I'm too wound-up I can't even consider turning on the TV, and tonight I feel like I don't have the focus to search out and find a video, much less pay attention to it.

I went out for a walk earlier, I thought getting something to eat might help. I felt loads better while I was out, had a long walk along the seafront and didn't need a coat or anything. Guessing the fresh air did me good. Then as soon as I got back to the flat I realised I was boiling hot, and the sensation worsened as I walked up the stairs. Got in and had to take all my clothes off, but am still boiling, and feel really shaky. I was feeling sick a few minutes ago but that seems to have passed.

I hate this, I really hate it. I feel like I don't have an escape from whatever's in my head (often I describe it as 'racing thoughts', but I can't even pinpoint any thoughts at the moment, it just feels full) and can't think of anything to distract me. I *really* want to cut and I know that I can't, which is making me feel even worse. Just noticed a headache, too. I feel like these different 'symptoms' are racing through me - one minute something's there, the next it's gone, the next a different thing pops up, and so on.

Wish I could calm down. Or at least focus my energy on *something*.

[Miss Laura]

Hey Im22,

How are you now?

Have you managed to focus your attention and energy onto something?

[gma45]

What did you eat? sounds like that might have something to do with it. Try some music maybe?

[missbelle]

I get that way....I have just a dx. of major depression but its an aggitated depression......when I get that way I could spit bullets...I get angry too...very angry....Might help...maybe.... to find what is making you so darn angry and aggitated.

Hope you feel better. I can relate!

[popeye]

I have not been able to focus on anything for months now. I hate it and blame it on my meds. However if I don't take them I would end up in the Hospital( I am not going). I have lots of hobbies but can not get involved in them when I feel like this. I can't even sit long enough to watch TV. I end up sitting on my patio..chainsmoking and staring into space. Ughhhhh! My doc just adjusted my meds and I am hoping something will change. Yesterday my doc said I was manic...I don't agree with her at all. Hypo ...yes...manic no. My wife says I seem calm today and did not want me to drive because of my med adjustment. I am just rambling now. Time to shut up.LOL

[wing]

Sounds like spending more time walking on the shore is in order. If you are hot and tired, how about a cool shower and an icy cold drink of water? Maybe overwhelming your body with other sensations will shut out the intrusive thoughts.

[espritlibre]

Thanks for all your replies, everyone. Funnily enough, I started to feel calmer by the time I'd finished writing, so maybe it was a bit therapeutic!

Missbelle - I think my dx is depression also. I know that the GP's most recent notes say "E. depressed" which is no doubt due to a recent 'episode' in the summer, but over the years they have mentioned anxiety, "lack of self-respect" (hate that one) and a few other things.

Apart from the inevitable weekend-related anxiety, it could also be because of a situation with a work colleague who has been an on/off friend for two years. It's been a difficult relationship and I started this academic year (last week) by making the decision not to talk to him (other than for work-related reasons) because my head was spinning enough from general instability without that issue adding to it. He persisted in e-mailing me asking what was going on so in the end I told him to wait until Friday (eg yesterday) and come and find me then. By Friday I was thinking "I'm not actually ready, I don't even know what I'm going to say" - but he never came to find me. So it was a bit of an anti-climax and I was left with the anxiety about having a conversation with him, and the annoyance that I'd had that anxiety for nothing.

But I think the main thing is that I plucked up the courage to see a doctor for the first time about everything in my head, which was an incredibly difficult thing for me to do. He referred me to Health in Mind, which made me feel quite positive (mixed with trepidation!) about maybe getting a proper diagnosis at last, followed by some proper help. It's been three weeks and I've heard nothing. I feel so frustrated by this - it took so much just to go to a doctor in the first place, and everyone goes on about how important that "first step" is in asking for help, and now I'm left waiting, not knowing when that help is going to come! Hopefully I don't sound like a petulant child

I am so glad you were able to calm down through writing out your aggravation & that you are talking to a doctor about what's going on! Hopefully you don't endure many more days like this.