[SunReach]

I don't recognise a pattern with what's going on any more.
After 3 very strange weeks of sinking deeper and deeper and having all these flashbacks and nightmares, I got hypomanic, then I thought I'd go into rapid cycling but it just turned into this confused state and it's as if I get worse purely from the effort I put into handling the confusion if that makes sense...I feel very agitated and self-destructive in such ways that I don't even realise, like having this inexplicable urge to eat things I'm allergic or intolerant to or force myself out and then just walk on and on and at the same time it's like I try to stop myself from doing that by thinking that not even that is worth the effort. Basically, nothing is worth it - good or bad. So what now then?
And I also didn't get an appt with my pdoc because she's full until the end of the month but I'll move before then and I have no idea what's the situation going to be like once I move and how quickly I'll be able to see a new pdoc. All I can think of is 'just keep trudging'. For the next 10 days. Then I'll move and inevitably this will make a change, for better or worse...And then more trudging....And more self-hate because I know I just need to s*** up and do what I know is right - discipline, care, try to balance my energy. But I bring chaos and perhaps I'm a coward and refuse to accept that I must make things work and not just wait for a magical way out, if this is what I'm doing....I even find it harder to pray, like I'm pushing that help aside myself.

Thanks for reading my rant and sorry for such a rant...but I really needed to share exactly what goes on with someone...everything is on such an edge

[wing]

Robot, I feel all those things in a mixed state and the only way I've found to get rid of them is to be zombied out or avoid people till the next mood shift. When you feel better you can get back to your maintenance plan. Be kind to yourself, and forget the expectations for awhile.

I hope this torture passes soon.

[SunAngel]

Sorry this is happening to you. Just wanted to offer ((((HUGS)))) to you and let you know I will be thinking of you.

[SunReach]

Thank you wingin I should be capable of some damage control until that shift...
Hugs back SunAngel...

Time to play mindless video-games perhaps....I think it has helped a bit before even though I don't really like them

I know exactly how you feel. I second the notion to keep yourself distracted, zombied, or alone... I don't know how to cope otherwise, myself. :/

Video games are my first go-to when I feel like that, as well!! It keeps your brain occupied, but also (depending on the game you play) it increases your motor coordination & your reflexes! FPS games are notoriously helpful for that, but also stuff like Guitar Hero. : )

[BNLsMOM]

I hope you feel bettr soon. I have been where you are and it is hard. Be gentle with yourself.