Meltdowns, validation, and revealing things

So today I hit breaking point at work. It was bound to happen eventually - I could feel it coming. I've had a few tearful moments over the past week or so but I've been able to brush them off pretty quickly. Today I had some anxiety in the morning and it's almost like my mind was just waiting on an event to trigger me into a meltdown. It's always related to a student (I work in a school) - it's never personal events, but something going wrong for one of the kids I work with, that will tip me over the edge. I think I throw myself into their problems because they have had far shittier lives than me.

Anyhow, I made it to the end of a day, then went to see a member of staff about the aforementioned student, but only got a few sentences in before breaking down in tears. She was great and we went to a quiet room and she listened to the concern about the student and suggested ways forward. Then she offered to get a friend/colleague who a) I'm very close to, b) I respect and admire, and c) is trained and experienced in psychotherapy etc. I faltered on this because as much as I sometimes want to open up and share things with her and let her be supportive, I worry that she will regret being available to me and feel that I've crossed a line with her. Anyway the other member of staff insisted.

My friend/colleague sat with me for over an hour and listened, guessed and asked. She reads people scarily well - she can work out a lot just by looking at me, and also just reads the vibes I'm giving off, if that makes sense. I don't know exactly what she does, but whatever it was it worked - she asked questions here and there, was smart enough to work out the gaps in what I wasn't saying, and let me talk where I needed to. Between what I revealed and the things unsaid that she figured out for herself, she eventually said, "Have you considered that you might be bipolar?"

There was almost a sense of relief in hearing it - I have suspected it for so long but at the same time convinced myself that I must be over-exaggerating things. Obviously her opinion is not an official diagnosis by any means, and she was clear on that also, but to hear somebody else suggest it, and a professional, no less, made me feel like, "Okay, there *is* a possibility that there's something legitimately wrong, I'm not simply a screwed-up person". And then she sat and talked with me about how wide the spectrum of bipolar is, and explained various things and talked through things with me. She's going to lend me a book about it. And, most importantly, she made it clear that our conversation would go no further than that room.

I feel very relieved, eternally grateful, and also apprehensive. I always freak out a little when I've revealed myself to someone in this way, and I held off from doing so with this person for a long time, even though I knew in many ways she would be the best person to confide in, because I was so worried about her reaction. I know that she won't take advantage of the vulnerability I've shown, or offer support that she doesn't mean, but I still have the automatic guilt that I took up an hour of her time (everyone else had long gone home by the time we came out) and it wasn't even work-related. In the past, when I've broken down in front of friends, I've been so mortified (no matter how supportive they may have been) I've often opted for completely ignoring them for a couple of weeks until I get over it. We work together very closely so that's not an option this time! But maybe it's good that I can't run away from it.

Mixed feelings... just wanted to share.

Have you seen a psychiatrist? Interesting she picked Bipolar...wonder if she has a psych background.

Anyways, no one has ever "outed" me before and I work with nurses...lol...I am a nurse, even funnier! Sorry I'm in a weird mood...

I've been at work hypomanic as hell and people just think it's my personality I guess. Even people in the medical profession can be so ignorant of the signs/symptoms of mental illness, unless you're literally running around screaming or something. I have a problem with telling people I need them or need help (people I know)...if they don't just offer support I won't usually ask for it. My Tdoc says it's childhood programming, my mother is self absorbed...completely.

Acknowledging there's a problem is the first step, now you need a Pdoc and medications. Plus therapy most likely.
Good luck

She does, she is a trained psychotherapist amongst other things, and really knows her stuff. I still feel like she should be sending me an invoice for the time she so generously gave to me on Weds. I didn't have to worry too much about coming into work the next day as I bounced into a more manic state so was having far too much fun racing around the corridors getting stuff done to worry about what anyone might have thought of me.

The book she gave me is great, really helpful. I do want to see a pdoc and get a proper diagnosis and treatment, it's just the terror of making that first step. I wish someone would just do it all for me without me even having to ask!! (petulant child alert lol)

At this point you have to do the work.. terrified or not...to get well. As a nurse I HATE having to go to a Pdoc, but I have to.... Usually I go before work and look weird sitting there in the waiting room with my scrubs on...lol.

Don't feel bad for the time she took to talk with you.... seeing that she's a therapist she knows all about boundaries!

I'm a retired nurse as well. Worked the ER before going into psych. No better place for hypomania than the ER, with a little hyperfocus from ADD mixed in. No better place for hypomania than nursing period. It's a profession with overwhelming responsibilties and detail that reqires jugging several plates in the air.

yep, was a EMT- ambulance, then worked ER....Had a break from working (disability)....then, became a nurse at 37 yo- worked ER, Psych and med/surg for a short time, then went into home health nursing and never looked back. I totally agree that hypomania fits in well with nursing. When I get to work in the mornings we are all trying to prep to get out the door to see patients and it can be complete chaos!...

I find hypomania also works well in my job - I will literally charge through the corridors, picking up problems en route and attempting to solve 10 at once. The ideas are flowing at those times, too. As long as I don't have to do anything that requires sitting down for more than 30 seconds, it's great!

dijmart - I take comfort from the fact that she knows and will respect the boundaries. I think I have a natural concern about revealing too much to anyone, as the last person I "let in" let me down pretty badly, and it was fairly recent. There's a little part of me that automatically worries this time that she will regret offering me the support that she has, but I'm working on ignoring that part and just being grateful for it!

it is scary taking that first step but well worth the effort. With a correct diagnosis you can get appropriate meds as well as therapy. finding a good therapist that you can communicate well with also really helps.

I think with her being a therapist, you shouldn't worry. As I said she knows about boundaries, I'm sure, so if she can't talk or doesn't want to some other time, I think she would tell you.

How were you let down by that other person you "let in"?

I know I've posted before about my so called friend who has let me down with my own recent crisis and it will "reshape" the terms of our friendship now. I will not be there for her in her time of need, since that is how she has treated me. And that's not the way I usually operate, so it is very painful.

I am a nurse as well and I totally agree hypomania helps me react fast and multi-task.