Struggling

Hi. I am new here.

I am struggling tonight, a lot. Some background: I have always had OCD. I have get a little bit anxious (not med worthy) from time to time for as long as I can remember. Additionally, I have struggled throughout my life with low self esteem and have always felt a bit awkward in social situations. Yes, I have some issues. Fortunately, I did well academically and have a very good job.

I have never taken meds and only recently sought to enter therapy after a long break from it. I was in therapy in 2004 and it was great, but the therapist I was seeing moved away and his replacement really didn't do it for me at all and I kind of let it slide.

So, fast forward to today. Over a year ago, I developed really bad pain in my neck and ear which doctors, as of yet, have been unable to figure out or treat, though I am not through trying and have a CT Scan and possibly another MRI coming up. The pain is really bumming me out and affecting my life and productivity and I have never, ever had issues with productivity before whatsoever. I have always read that whenever something affects one's ability to lead a productive life, it's time to seek help. So I did.

Now I am on a wild goose chase! I went to see a psychologist for some help dealing with my anxiety and depression related to the pain I am having and to discuss options and a game plan. Toward the end of the session, he theorized I have bipolar disorder and the pain I am experiencing is a symptom of mania.

I about fell over. When I questioned this theory by stating I have never really had major or even minor mood swings at all, like ever, that I have always slept normally (even now with the pain, thankfully) and have never missed work or school pretty much ever in my life...he seemed to dig in his heels.

WTF, I thought. I have enough issues as it is, I really don't need bipolar added to the list. So, of course, I come home and do some research and I have learned a few things over the past few days. First of all, I was confused to read that if a person has OCD, which I clearly do, that bipolar disorder co-morbidity usually presents itself with very severe symptoms. Again, WTF. I may be bipolar, but I am not a severe bipolar individual. I just refuse this diagnosis outright.

I have never been hospitalized, arrested, or lost a job, and the running theme on most web sites, sadly, is that most individuals with untreated bipolar disorder eventually fall prey to at least one of these stats, and often all three. *I* know now that there are varying degrees of the disorder after reading up on it, but the therapist didn't qualify anything. He simply stated he thought I had bipolar disorder. WTF.

This will be a death sentence for me. After doing some more research tonight at a major university library on the disorder and various treatment options, the conclusion seems to be that life-long meds are really the only way to go in treating this beast, which is very depressing to me.

Yes, I realize I need a second opinion, and I'm going to get it. I'm just so devastated right now if it's true. Even the possibility has me totally bummed out like never before. I have never been suicidal before, ever. I really like life....love travel, cooking, reading. I don't have a lot of friends because of my social anxiety and OCD (I have some weird habits, mostly revolving around cleanliness and germs) but I do have a few close friends who know about it and totally understand and I count my blessings for them. But honestly, I do not want to live if I am given this death sentence.

I tried Zoloft a few years ago for the OCD and anxiety, and could not tolerate even the absolute lowest dosage, so I know there is totally no way I could ever tolerate the much stronger bipolar meds. I'm 5'10 and 140 pounds and vegetarian. My system just could not handle it, and lithium in even just slightly higher doses than the recommended treatment dose is poisonous to the body, or so a medical encyclopedia stated. I know if I am diagnosed, lithium or some other equally powerful drug will be forced on me. I do not want to live a doped up life as a lithium zombie.

I don't really know why I am writing all of this on here, except to vent I guess. Normally, I would and should be in bed by now, but I am too upset to sleep. I'm literally shaking and sick to my stomach. See, that's just it, from now on, I'm always going to have doubts, always going to wonder.... gee, I'm up later than usual, is this a manic phase I am in, or am I just legitimately upset? Gee, that person made me angry and now I'm talking faster than usual because I am upset. Is this the very normal and expected fight or flight response and adrenaline kicking in, or am I in the middle of a manic episode? This is a can of worms I did not need!!!! So many bipolar symptoms in milder form are perfectly normal responses to life's situations, but now that this can has been cracked open, there will always be that game of second guessing.

I know my OCD has a lot to do with this, but I am really fearful of a bipolar diagnosis, as I'm sure is evident by this long post. It truly will be a death sentence for me if I am labeled forever with this. My work might even be able to find out about it since I work in a sensitive field and the company may have the ability to supersede HIPPA in certain cases. I do know they have been able to obtain the psych/ medical records of employees in the past; I'm just not sure what the specific circumstances were. In fact, for this reason back in 2004 I went to a university to seek therapy because it was all anonymous and I was able to give a fake name. This time, however, I went through my insurance because the university no longer sees non-students. Who knows what the psychologist I saw wrote in my records.

I am sorry this is so long, but I have to vent somewhere. I am too ashamed to tell my family or my friends. This is just so awful. I would rather be anything with the exception of schizophrenia than bipolar. It has such terrible stigma attached to it from what I've read. I just hate the thought of the label. Oh, hi, I'm bipolar. Not hi, I'm so and so, or hi, I work for so and so, or hi, I'm ......... I'm obviously not being literal here, but I just hate the thought of it defining me. I want to be more than a mental health disorder. I feel cut down as a person.

And that's really the crux of it for me. Sadly, this disorder is the kind of thing that goes a long way towards defining a person whether one wants it to or not. It really almost invades the core of one's basic personality. I feel like one of those pod people from Invasion of the Body Snatchers. I am still my shell, but my mind, my soul, who I thought I was, now risks belonging to a disorder.

Anyway, thanks for listening. Sorry if I was too depressing. Thanks for letting me vent. This is what I'm struggling with and I feel a little better just getting in all down somewhere in print.

So... the OCD is your biggest worry it seems. I cannot tell from your post how severe it is...

but... bipolar is not a death sentense. I can be in some cases handled without meds (I hear you about being sensitive to chemistry. I take one aspirin and I am stoned... no way I am nomming on psychotropics). I found Bach essences very helpful... at least they don't hurt if it does not help, so the few euros you pay are worth trying.

Do your mood swings cause you a great distress? Besides "gee, I wish I was not so ****ing moody all the time?". If it is not too big bother... than I should would not bother, at least not trying to treat it chemically (psychotherapy can help, I guess. So can yoga and zen... One needs to gain the ability to slow down the mind somehow, to ground themselves when things get too tough, to survive rough patches).

Get second option and decide from there... And don't read the medical book too much. I know what i am talking about... I always have everything I read about

Sometimes it upsets me that we have to be 'labeled' as having a certain illness. None of us are the same and don't really fit into just one category. When I heard the word 'schizo' in my latest diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder it freaked me out. I can see where the doctor came to this conclusion, and actually it's the closest d
iagnosis I've had, but there's a lot of other things rolled into that as well. The labels they use are mostly for them to get an idea about who they are dealing with, but it's hard not to give yourself that label as well. You are you, unique and special with many around to support you - especially at this forum.

Bipolar is something I have, but it does not define who I am... I also have MS, but again it isn't who I am, it's just something I have. However I agree that in bad times with a mental illness it is destructive to one's life.

I'm sorry you are so upset about this and Yes I agree you need a second opinion.