[Trippin2.0]

Since my dad passed away over a year ago, my m0m REFUSES to be left alone. So my brother and I take turns to go out and hardly if ever, spend time together away from home. This past weekend i went to visit my sister and help out with the baby and decided to go h0me a day later than scheduled. My m0m FREAKED out ( and my brother and daughter were at h0me with her) its n0t like we even have much of a relati0nship, i m0stly stay in my ro0m reading,but still she demands i c0me h0me and treats me like a traitor. She W0N'T even go to a gp, and MH Dr's are a big n0-n0, i'm starting resent her. I feel like a caged animal, and caged animals bite... I d0n't kn0w how much m0re of this i can take. I can't give her the help she needs...Moodwise i'm ok though, just fed up. End rant.

[sugahorse1]

U have every right to start feeling frustrated.
I think you are already giving her a lot by taking it in turns with your brother to keep her company. As for her freaking out when you came home a day later, even though she had company, it cannot be your problem.
I am assuming you are very much an adult and you and your siblings need to be allowed to live your lives again.
She needs to see a therapist to begin with. Try and convince her of this. She is battling to come to terms with the death, and needs some help to get on with life again

[Fresia]

I am so sorry to hear of y'alls loss!!

The fact that you are concerned tells me in fact the opposite, that you are FAR from being a bad daughter, and also look at all that you do, while sacrificing even your own needs. However, something needs to be done about that but your are kind and considerate, but need to reevaluate this so you don't snap.

I don't know if she is housebound but she also has to want to help herself. By not wanting to see a doc, MH or regular GP, how is that helping anyone. She needs to at least see the GP, who can also help if depression is an issue. If she is housebound, are there friends that can come visit or activities in the area to take her to to get her out and engaged so the focus is off of y'all. If she is not housebound, the same also goes, trying to get her involved in something. If she won't, there is only so much you can do as she has to want to help herself. If she won't do something for herself, you CANNOT do it all for her and guilt is not a factor; she may or may not move forward in her own time due to her grief. However, at the same time she may be replacing you and your siblings for companionship for her husband that she lost, which is not healthy for either of you, as he cannot be replaced. It is hard to life alone again and it is good for family to rally with a loss, but to a certain degree. Getting her involved will help.

You are doing what you can and even sacrificing that you are feeling impinged on at this point. This is the point where trying to find the right balance is important in caring for another, of what you can and cannot do for your sanity, and for self-preservation. Take a step back to look at your needs, hers, and boundaries that need to be set so the relationship does not go beyond a breaking point, and it sounds like it will if it keeps up the way it is going. How may days can you realistically go out, what other things can she realistically do for herself, or can be set up to help her with, and go from there. Then talk to her about it and stay firm. How good is this for you or her if it continues as it is.

[porcupine2]

I agree with Fresia....I don't know why people are told to feel guilty if they aren't doing what others think is the right thing to do. The best gift we can give ourselves is to take care of ourselves first - or there won't be anything left to give to others. There's a lot of senior care services where a person can come in to the home a couple of times a week and help with light housekeeping and companionship. Sometimes tough love is the best love we can give. Good luck and take care of YOU!

[AniManiac]

This kind of care can really wear you down - like Fresia said, if you were a bad daughter, you wouldn't be there for your mom as much as you have been.

But you need to make sure you have enough space for yourself, too. Sometimes it's tough to set limits, but it kinda sounds like you need a break, and that's something that your mother ought to respect. You need to meet your needs if you're going to help anyone else with theirs!

[Trippin2.0]

Thanks for the support and insight. My m0m is by all accounts physically healthy and able. She refuses to leave the house unless it's s0mething imp0rtant like a baptism. Also, she has disrespected my father's wish to be placed next to my brother. He's STILL in the lounge for petes sake! She said in the beginning that she can't be alone, her behaviour's just getting worse, it's like she won't let either of us leave. I want to scream! Btw she refuses ANY type of proffessi0nal help...

[Detach]

Sounds like she's manipulating you and your brother through guilt. And you're letting her, which means weak boundaries in the relationship. Everyone has feelings and emotions that are sometimes unpleasant to deal with, but you giving up what you would like to do for her sake, her wishes, her loneliness that is ultimately enabling this behavior to continue.

I say support her in ways that you are comfortable with when you're comfortable doing it, but do not let her dictate to you when you must be there or she is just controlling you. You come first in your life, then you have the strength to help others, not the other way around.

Talk to your Tdoc about this, regarding boundaries.
Good Luck

[Trippin2.0]

When I try to set boundaries she basically throws tantrums like a spoilt brat ( VERY out of character ) s0medays I really think she's losing it... I've been tempted to fake psychosis just so i can use the hospital as an escape, I'm bordering on desperati0n...

[Detach]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

When I try to set boundaries she basically throws tantrums like a spoilt brat ( VERY out of character ) s0medays I really think she's losing it... I've been tempted to fake psychosis just so i can use the hospital as an escape, I'm bordering on desperati0n...

When an adult sets boundaries with a child if then the child has a tantrum do you then give in? ...allowing the child to think "hhmm if I have a tantrum, then I get my way"..... noooo you then stay firm with your original decision, because that's what's best for you and ultimately her as well, since you're getting burned out.

The tantrum is another mode of manipulation, children learn this at a very young age, so I'm sure she has figured it out as well.

You can say to her something like- "I know you would like me to sit with you tomorrow, however I'm busy with other commitments"....then she has her tantrum....you then repeat what you already said, but give compassion also, such as- "I can see this has made you very upset, however as I said I'm busy tomorrow and will not be able to sit with you". You can tell her you'll call her instead? If you even WANT to, if not, then don't.

Sounds like you need some distance from her...she has you wrapped around her little finger. Trust me I have my own issues, so I'm not judging you, just trying to help you see what is so obvious to me looking in on your situation.

Hello, Trippin2.0. Without appropriate boundaries, you risk burnout. http://helpguide.org/elder/caring_for_caregivers.htm

Please to not allow yourself to be held hostage. Tell your mother what the boundaries are and do not back down.

Being assertive: Reduce stress, communicate better
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/***.../METHOD=printI wish you well.

[Trippin2.0]

Thank you VERY much for the links. It's appreciated...

Trippin'! NOT a bad daughter! I agree with the others that there are boundary and manipulation issues. She refuses to do what is needed (see a professional), and I agree that she needs to want to help herself, but.... hmmmm. Perhaps there is a way whereby it can all be pulled together to trip that off. Mwahahaha! Maybe I am mean, or maybe it is tough love(???), but what about you agreeing to come to her, but ONLY to take her to an appt. with a professional? She won't go, you won't stay. Period. She wants to see you, you want her to see a professional. It'd make her realize that she can't have one w/o the other, which provides a boundary for you, and holds her to a give and take. Tantrum? Yeah, probably(!) Tough **** to her. She needs to deal with the reality that she can't have a one-way street.

Curious to hear what others have to say about this too, in terms of whether it would be a healthy approach. (Hehe, because maybe it's not!)