[venusss]

Forgive if I sound somehow incoherent. Venus is bit manicky at the moment... and outta here (as if space and time could be defined!).

I guess it was lack of effort... a reason why I walked out of the office of certain therapist whom I seen for "help" after my breakdown in first semester of Uni. Could not handle stress well back then.... and I still can't. Her suggestion about giving me referal to a pdoc, trial and error route to get "better"... I asked if it will not interfere with my studies. I need my memory, yadda, yadda. When she hinted maybe uni is not for me, I was out.

was gonna to do it on my own. I had not time to trial and error and messing with my mind. I was always quirky, maybe too much, but I managed, I was gonna manage again.

it took me one extra year to finish my bachelor's. Maybe i just chosen wrong studies... English department had triggered my anxiety to sky high levels and I am still dealing with that. But I have done it.

One year in Prague, trying to find a job in midst of economic crisis... the less is said the better. After all I joined PC during this time, when I realized sitting on window in 7th floor or being fascinated by both Prague's castle mainly for the reason they have real tall walls... is not really good.

well, I started to rediscover my spirituality somehow during that time... It was always there... my mom is a new ager budhist after all (and she was always somehow unsettled in her life and life goals... maybe that is why I am the way I am?)... but there were times I tried to become the good homo capitalist who strives nice office job and weekend house and vacation in Dalmatia... what was I thinking? I spend few night wandering around streets of Prague in night (with my camera and tripod... but manically for sure. Good girls sleep at night. Good people use the first morning train to go to work, not to go home). I started to feel interconnected with the world again... for good and bad.

somehow i got accepted to master's programe... had year of almost stability in Brno.

I am not gonna pretend to be perfectly fine right now. I am anxious and over the edge about my last year of school, unsure about my life goals (sure, I wanna be a do-gooder... but that is a lot of stress and risk factors. I guess that attract me though a bit... the thought of burning bright and beautifully). I am not sure about my relationships (yes, I have friends and few real great people in my life.... but... I am still afraid and unsure. I am not good with people. I bit of nerd after all). I am not sure about where I wanna live (besides wanting to try living in some "bad" place for a while... being do-gooder and all).

I am not sure if I can keep stable and tbh, at the moment I don't care. I always had the self-destructive edge in me and I cannot help myself, but I find it quite endearing....

Maybe I am bit scared of normalcy, because I view it as somehow decandent (there was some greek philosopher who said stability is death...). I am afraid of losing my spirituality. I am afraid of losing myself.

But I don't want to waste this existence. I want to matter. Sow seeds. Help people. Make a difference. (and freedom and love and world peace.... ).

I am not even asking for anybody to relate. I just needed to get this out.

(no, I did not proofread it. Because I am so Kerouac tonight. On organic herbal tea that is supposed to calm me down, except it does not work).

Thanks for sharing that Venus. I can relate to much of what you said.

[Secretum]

Thanks, Venus.You seem like a very independent and determined person, and I've been intrigued by your decision to tame your bp without meds.

I'm sickened by how that pdoc treated you. So many people here report being discouraged from achieving their life goals, be it finishing an undergrad degree or returning to work after a harsh episode of illness, by their pdocs. Yes, we are more delicate because we have bipolar, and stress can affect our illness negatively. But we need to have something to live for if we are ever to recover! We need to see ourselves as competent, as survivors, not victims, of bipolar.

The pdoc I saw at home this summer told me that he treats a lot of bipolar doctors and lawyers. He told me that I was strong and intelligent, and that I would accomplish something with my life. At times, this annoyed me. Oftentimes, I don't think that I am strong and smart. I feel like the greatest loser ever to breathe, and I am in indescribable amounts of pain. I respect him, however, for treating his patients like this. He believes in us, and that is one of the reasons why I consider him the best pdoc I've seen.

[AbeIsAbe]

Thanks for sharing. It's nice to know some of the story of what makes Venus.

[TheDragon]

Damn Venus, I love ya. Although I, for the most part, already knew your story, it is quite interesting to see it written like this. Knowing you as I do now, it all makes sense.

It all starts with that push and decision for your own life, and like me you decided to just do it help or no. Then the even more fun part came where you get lost, very very lost before you find your way again. I think that's the best way to make it, even if it's not the easiest.

But once you're on your way, it's so easy to feel lost and wonder what now? You don't want to lose everything about yourself that you discovered and made, but at the same time sometimes you wonder if that's what is right. I know that getting lost and finding my way was the best experience ever because it gets you along your way, but it's just oh so effed up as well.

You're on the way though. All it takes is the will to go forward and you certainly have that. I have utmost faith in you and am proud to have you as one of my dearest and closest friends. Never give up on yourself, on what makes you unique but keep learning how to live in this world and go forth. You'll make it.

[SunReach]

Thank you Venus for sharing... I can definitely relate to parts of your story - English Lit nerd here too haha! And even though studies in that field definitely don't help matters (and it also took me an extra year to finish) here I am embarking on a masters. And I wouldn't take that decision back!
Do what you feel that corresponds to that burning flame that keeps you going - not the manic one but the one that guides you to the light The grounding point is also within you - it's all there, you will not get lost!

[SunAngel]

Thx. Venus. I am totally facinated with you. You are so intriguing. I know you will go far in life.

[venusss]

Thanks for the replies. I was bit afraid to post this to be honest, but I needed to get it out.

just few points...

I'm sickened by how that pdoc treated you. So many people here report being discouraged from achieving their life goals, be it finishing an undergrad degree or returning to work after a harsh episode of illness, by their pdocs. Yes, we are more delicate because we have bipolar, and stress can affect our illness negatively. But we need to have something to live for if we are ever to recover! We need to see ourselves as competent, as survivors, not victims, of bipolar.

As much as I handle stress really badly, for me inactivity is much worse. It consumes me... I have time to think self-destructive thoughts... and I guess if I feel others depend on me, I have drive to live even if I don't want to at the moment.

So I chose stress. I may shorten my life span... but in the end... I think it is about how much we did and accept the risks and negatives if we see them as good exchange.

It all starts with that push and decision for your own life, and like me you decided to just do it help or no. Then the even more fun part came where you get lost, very very lost before you find your way again. I think that's the best way to make it, even if it's not the easiest.

I used this metaphore in another thread, but I guess it is valid here as well. Once I was on organized trip with a tourguide who was of the philosophy that if you don't know where you are going, you cannot get lost. And it actually worked suprisingly well (yes, we saw some shady parts of the country's cities... but we saw many charming of the beaten path neighborhoods as well).
So maybe it is not bad to get "lost" sometimes in life and stray of the path for a bit. Just have enough sense to know when you are going somewhere real bad... or that sometimes there are metaphorical landmines just along to path. But mostly it is relatively safe. One find the way back... or maybe they realize they don't want to go back and this road looks more interesting.
I don't want to live my life walking on the mainstreet. I wanna see some of the neighborhoods too. Maybe even stop and talk to the locals for a bit and get some souvenirs... (yes, it is all a metaphore).

But once you're on your way, it's so easy to feel lost and wonder what now? You don't want to lose everything about yourself that you discovered and made, but at the same time sometimes you wonder if that's what is right. I know that getting lost and finding my way was the best experience ever because it gets you along your way, but it's just oh so effed up as well.

oh yes, it is sometimes painful and effing scary. Right now I don't know where I am. But than again... I was always bad at reading maps and rather followed intiution...

Thank you Venus for sharing... I can definitely relate to parts of your story - English Lit nerd here too haha! And even though studies in that field definitely don't help matters (and it also took me an extra year to finish) here I am embarking on a masters. And I wouldn't take that decision back!

Oh, I am getting masters in "politics", but I don't deny the linguistic streak in me. I have a way with words and it was good to learn the rules... now I can break them People usually start rolling their eyes when I start debating meanings of words on parties though.