[insecurelyhere]

Hello,
I am a 25 y/o female in college and doing well. I am here because of my childhood experiences I guess.
I'll start from the beginning ...
Growing up my parents were either fighting (extreme) or happily living and enjoying life. When I was 12, my mother lost her mother and grandmother who raised her in a months time and became very depressed, life was bad and fights were daily and worse than extreme then. I woke up one Saturday and was getting ready to go to Wall-Mart to pick up a birthday gift for a really good friend who was having a party that afternoon. Well, I go into the living room and my mom was giggling, and would abruptly stoped and looked really stern, and said, "Shhhhh, be quiet, your father has cameras in the vents" and looked around warily then switched subjects, I thought this was weird but I was 12 and had a party to get ready for so I went and finished and my dad, sister, and I were off to Wall-Mart. Upon returning there were 6 cop cars, 2 in the driveway, 2 parked on the side of the road in front of the house, and 2 in the neighbors driveway. My mom had went to the neighbor's while we were gone and accused them of kidnapping her kids, us, and was threatening to kill them if they didn't give us back and they had called the cops. She was told where we were going before we left so idk where she got that idea from. Anyway, the cops took her, she was evaluated and hospitalized. She has Bi-polar. I proceeded to go to the party and pretend nothing had happened, I guess I was too young to fully understand. That was the end of 8th grade. Upon entering 9th grade my parents were divorced and she had left her meds at our house before she left. I was scared to death of becoming crazy too. So, I would take her pills and not talk to anyone if anyone else was around. I was terrified that the person I would be talking to wasn't real and other people would think I was crazy. That's why I am here. that was 13 years ago, sometimes I say to myself who cares if I am crazy, but most of the time that fear overpowers me and I won't talk to anyone. Since this incident I found out that my mom was slipped some pills when she was 16 and was raped by several boys, a few days later she lost it in school and went running through the halls screaming at the top of her lungs and was hospitalized, then after my little sister was born, I heard she heard voices telling her to chop my little sisters head off, then was again hospitalized. Since I was 12, I can't count the times I have witnessed her go crazy and threaten to kill other ppl, take too many pills in an attempt at suicide, think she was flying in an UFO, claiming flashbacks of the rape, loosing it and telling on everyone who had ever confided a secret to her, called my boyfriends screaming to them about random things they never did, ect ect(I could go on and on) I only heard about these: stripping naked at a market, hitting an officer, running into a parked car for it having 666 as part of their tags, over and over again I have went through all this and never told anyone ever! Obviously my family knows and I have talked to my dad a little, he mostly tells me when she is sick, she is dangerous and to get away from her. I am, like I said, terrified of being like that. I know the risks are a little higher for me to get it from a genetic stand point, than a person who doesn't have parents with bi-polar. I don't know what to do. I can be at a family gathering, like 2 thanksgivings ago, and I just sit around and say what I have to when I'm asked something and if there is even a brief pause, I automatically think "the person I was talking to isn't really there or hadn't asked me anything and I'm just crazy." and another time, i was holding my step-sister's newborn and I was like "awww! I want one", she says, " Well you have to find a good man first" ... I was sitting next to my faience. this was a year ago and I think about this often. Is he not real? She says this to everyone with no boyfriend and was talking to me like a child. My stepmom looks up at her and says like she is hiding something, "Matt is sitting right there" And she looks worried like she just messed up bby saying that. I am so tired of living in fear of this. I don't know what to do. I want to have the confidence to know I am not crazy and the things I see and hear are real but I am starting to think I am cursed. I am currently in Nursing school, so how am I supposed to do that if I don't know if anything is real or not? My psychology professor was lecturing about a few of her patients, she is a shrink, and she said some people will have full blown convos with people who aren't there and they don't even know they aren't there. I can't keep living like this. I need help. I over anylise things so even if I do get help I'll conscrew what they say and I'll think I am just hearing what I want to or I am crazy and she won't tell me. I am scarred for life huh? so what do I do? This is the forst time I have ever told ANYONE this.

[Confusedinomicon]

The best advice I could give you is to make an appointment with a councilor or psychiatrist and get a formal diagnosis if it is causing you distress.

Good luck!

[AniManiac]

Hey, so you've mostly described your mom's problems and symptoms, but none of your own. So I think worrying about being crazy is a little premature! Other than your worries, you haven't described any mood swings, delusions, sleep problems, etc. Sounds pretty normal so far...

But what Confusedinomicon suggests about finding a counselor is a good idea. Regardless of anything else, it might help you out to talk it through with a professional. And if it gives you peace of mind, you can get an evaluation for bipolar. There are online quiz versions as well, if you're really worried about whether you're showing any symptoms, but obviously you should go to a professional for diagnostic services.

[alwaysrejoice]

Im sorry you had to grow up like that. Just because your mom had a mental health issue doesnt mean you automatically have one too. Get to a doctor to be evaluated. Hope all this works out for you.

[roads]

I have to agree with everyone else. Your mom had major problems & your childhood was a mess--but the only thing you're clearly suffering from right now is fear.

See a counselor, psychiatrist--someone who can professionally diagnose any mental health problems that might exist. If any do, you can work out a treatment plan & get on with your life. Nursing school, eh? That's great!

So put an end to the secrets, get help if you need it, & direct your energy where it needs to be: your present.

PC is a great place to be & post & find support while you work it all out.

[kindachaotic]

insecurelyhere, can't imagine the past & current pain of your upbringing.
so glad you found this site & can get some feedback from others with similar situations.

you say you are in nursing school, there should be counselors at your school that will see you for free. you can get a better idea on what is going on by seeing a professional. it is confidential. the quicker you get help the quicker you will feel better about what you think is reality & what you percieve is not real.

I wish you well, take care of yourself.