[Anneinside]

I have four friends here. Three of them are very needy, don't have cars so I have to do all the driving, pick them up and drop them off. Two of them call only when they want something, the third one never calls but says things to make me feel guilty if I haven't come to visit her often enough. This week two of them called because their computers weren't working and they wanted me to fix them. One of them I haven't even heard from in months - he only calls when he wants something, usually computer help. At my volunteer position, no one else showed up one day so I was really overwhelmed and the other day was stressful due to the other worker and demanding consumers. I have felt anxious, overwhelmed and finally used. I still have to go pick up the CDs I dropped off to one of them to fix his computer and still have to make the sound work and the other one called me to pick her up for breakfast on Wednesday and to fix her printer. I have taken Ativan for the first time in months. I felt so good on vacation and now all the pressure is back.

[BNLsMOM]

I don't want to be a jerk, but you friends are taking advantage of you. Is there any way you can be assertive with them about not wanting/being able to fix all their problems?

It's tiring and destabilizing for you.

[roads]

Well, now, I'm all confused. You start off saying you have four friends. Then you describe three people who clearly aren't friends. Why did you include them in the "I have four friends" claim? Were they ever friends?

You've said the 3rd one makes you feel guilty. I'm guessing the first 2 do too. & it's guilt that keeps you enslaved to them.

If you can't just tell them that you have nothing in common, there's no give-&-take, I'm moving on to look for other relationships (& that's hard), then ease out gently. No gas, other commitments, & maybe a bit of the truth whenever you can handle that. But you cant continue to sacrifice your life to people who bring no joy to yours.

You know none of these three would, if the situation were reversed.

[cin1]

say NO............

[dejavu65]

I kind of know what you are going through. I have several different friends that I will not see for a month or two and then they will call and want me to come over for dinner or something but they want their computer worked on. Some even want me to work on their friends computer. I still want to see them because I love the time spent with them. I feel used as you do but I do not know how to change it.

[Detach]

Ahhh yes, the user -self absorbed friend...been through that recently. It had been going on for awhile, but just hadn't hit me in the face until that "friend" was no where to be found while I was sick and unfortunately needy for a change. It hurt like hell, but I made decisions about it after mulling it over for a couple weeks and point blank I was only willing to give what I in return was given back and if the friendship ends because of it....that's now okay with me.

One sided friendships are not friendships to begin with, you will eventually get tired of it and put your foot down...you may not be ready yet and that's okay. It's a process and trust that if those friendships dissolve, you will ultimately be making room for other friendships to enter into your life.

[linger]

Thanks, dijmart, as I've been going through a breakup with a one-sided friendship and it's good to hear someone agree that it is not a friendship if there's no give and take from both sides. Though I have begun to realize that there are different types of friendships and it comes down to what you want from the relationship. In your case, Annieinside, if you feel good about having someone who trusts you enough to lean on you, even if you can't lean on them, then maybe it is worth it to continue such a friendship, as limited a friendship as it is. It might be nice to have one or two such people in one's life.

However, if such a relationship is draining (as it sounds from your description of all three) and you have your own mental health to deal with, then there is nothing mean about distancing yourself from them or saying no to a plea for help and claiming strict "me-time." If they can't support you in that, then perhaps it is worth letting the relationship(s) dissolve. Your own mental health above all else, as my mom would say. You won't do anyone any good if you get run down by too many demands, so it may be a good time to pick and choose what relationships are worth what amounts of stress. As much as they lean on you now and should appreciate all you do, they should learn to cope without you, imho.

anneinside... I'm so sorry you are feeling drained and pressured.
I remember you posting before about these folks causing you this kind of grief. Sorry to hear their behavior continues, though, unfortunately, it's not surprising. Having ended just such a one-sided "friendship" just one year ago, I truly do appreciate both how hard it is to be in one and also how hard it is to let it go, especially if you don't know many other people (don't know if this is the case for you). Even when you know that it is not a good thing for you(!)

I, too, struggle with people taking advantage of me. It is hard sometimes when you are a helpful sort of person to know where to draw the line, and (for me anyway) to even recognize it all that quickly because I don't want to believe it is true. And that it has happened again.

Sometimes it is hard, because it seems to go against the grain if you have an (overly) helping personality, to apply appropriate tactics. Still, I think it would be very much worth your while to try. It'd probably also be very helpful to try to scout around for a new friend. Sure, there's the obvious reason, but it could also help lessen the sense of loss. This may sound crazy to people who don't struggle as much to apply logic and to look out for their own good, but if you are like me, there is a huge sense of loss, even though it is not logical. (Oh yeah, lots of self-esteem issues wrapped up in there as well...) Paring back, saying "no", even if it is only sometimes, is a start in regaining some control over the situation. Maybe you need to ditch them altogether. Maybe not. But it is up to you to take those steps to rein it in, because they're sure not going to(!)

To me, from your posts, you do seem to be quite a strong person, anneinside. Here's hoping that you can use that strength to do what is right for you. Lots of

How are you doing, anneinside?
I know this situation has been stressful and frustrating for you, so wondering what thoughts you're having about it.

[Anneinside]

Thanks for asking. I have settled down some. I had ECT on Friday which helped as I was going downhill. I still want these people in my life but I am definitely going to pull back a bit and say no sometimes. I did tell one of them no last week when she wanted to go out to eat. She said, "can I ask why" and I told her I had been under too much stress and needed the weekend alone. She did sound a little put out. I have seen her since then and she didn't say anything about it. ... oh, the printer problem? The power cord wasn't plugged into the back of the printer. I was a bit aggravated that she hadn't even checked that.

So far this week has been better.

[alwaysrejoice]

Truely it is hard to find good friends. I have one friend and my sister. That's it.