[tnlibrarian]

Today I woke up in a rotten mood and my mind was going a mile a minute. Since I got back from taking the oldest to school I've been totally irritable, my mind is racing a mile a minute and I have to be moving or doing something all the time. I know for me that means mania has hit.

Lurking in the background is the depression. I feel guilty because I feel like I've made life hard on my husband thanks to the bipolar. I feel terrible because I think I yell at the kids too much. I feel horrible because when the baby was screaming this morning I just kept thinking, "Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up!" I feel bad because I just feel like I'm making life harder than it has to be on everybody. I haven't had thoughts of suicide but I've had plenty of hurting myself.

I'm thinking that maybe I need to call my psych. Of course, I say that and then I put it off thinking tomorrow might be better. As Scarlett O'Hara says--after all, tomorrow is another day! Seriously, though--I find these mixed states so exhausting. They may be worst than cycling. I wish so badly my husband could come home from work and take care of the kids so I could sleep all day but I know he can't. There's nobody else to call. I'm going to be getting a phone call from the director of the Information Sciences doctoral program in about 15 minutes to discuss if I should apply. I'm sitting here wondering how in the world I'm going to do a PhD program when I'm feeling like this so often? It just doens't seem possible.

Oh yeah--and I'm having trouble shutting up once I get going.

[AniManiac]

(((Becca))) I really hope your day improves! I buy Scarlett's philosophy a little too often for my own good, but I'm something of a stoic when it comes to admitting that there's anything wrong...

Good luck on the call with the PhD program director! It's possible to do a PhD while bipolar symptoms are wrecking your life - it's tough, but I struggled through my first 4 years undiagnosed. Heck, I don't even know how anyone with kids manages it, but they do. Fortunately, after coursework is over you have a lot more freedom to work on your own terms, which is much more forgiving.

If you do apply and get admitted, you might have the option of a one-year deferral on starting the program. And people take leaves of absence for lots of reasons; academia is fairly tolerant of the different lengths of time it can take to finish a degree. So even if you need a "non-traditional" schedule, that's OK.

However, I would suggest giving some very serious thought to what would come after the degree. Most PhD students have no idea what's about to hit them, and the academic career is extremely demanding (though maybe a little milder at teaching schools instead of brutally competitive R1 schools.) You might see if you can borrow some books from the library that are specifically about navigating the academic career path, because that might be a good reality-check. There are also non-academic career options, but unless it's required for the job, a PhD is generally overkill. The more soul-searching you can do about why you want a research/teaching career, the better application you'll be able to write, and the more certainty you'll have about moving in that direction. It's not for the faint of heart, so make sure you know what you're getting into!

[roads]

Take all that AniManiac has said here to heart, Becca. Once you're in a doctoral program, you're on the road to ever increasing competition & workload. It never gets better, in terms of pressure. The kill-or-be-killed attitude only magnifies. There is always more to be accomplished. If you stop moving, someone takes your place.

Unless you want this so badly that nothing else makes life worth living, or you're preprogrammed to go just so far & quit, it may not be worth the effort.

I'm not trying to scare you. You seem to be barely hanging on now, though. Why are you thinking about taking on something so overwhelming before you have a handle on any of these other things?

I'm not asking for an answer ... just saying maybe rethink it a bit?

Roadrunner

It might not be the right time to take It on... But ...
Just to say you can do it! I have three kids, single parent, went through college twice ( yes I know, no PhD ) but all the same. It was hard and I didn't have help from family or anyone. I was also unmedicated. And I'm not exactly the strongest person around. I did end up graduating with a 4.0 which allowed me not to have to pay back all my loans.

Just don't sell yourself short because of Bipolar or any other circumstances, because we have an amazing way of overcoming odds. Timing might not be great at the moment. But what's the rush, you know. If you had to put this off for now, there is no saying you cannot have it in the future.

I hope you start feeling better soon, mixed episodes are the worst indeed. Dont put off calling your pdoc any longer. The sooner you make the call the sooner you might get back on track.

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by AniManiac

... make sure you know what you're getting into!

One other thing I forgot to mention: most would-be doctoral students also don't realize that they will almost certainly have to move to get a job.

Most schools have policies against hiring their own graduates directly out of their own programs, and even us interdisciplinary people rarely find a spot in another program within the same university. Not only will you have to move, you also probably won't have a lot of choice about where it is because for the most part, we have to go where there's a job (though with a bit of luck, it seems that most people do manage to satisfy some geographical constraints, e.g. at the regional level.) So if you're unwilling to consider relocating, you really should reconsider the idea of a PhD. Note that it also means that your spouse typically becomes the trailing spouse, and that's something that he should be OK with before you even apply for a program, or it will very likely cause problems later.

IMHO, a PhD should only be done out of passion for research and/or teaching. I get very angry at people who undertake PhDs without that passion, mostly because every admission to a competitive program means someone else didn't get a spot. If they're not passionate about it, the odds that they'll wash out sooner or later are very high.

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by Anika

It might not be the right time to take It on... But ...
Just to say you can do it! I have three kids, single parent, went through college twice ( yes I know, no PhD ) but all the same. It was hard and I didn't have help from family or anyone. I was also unmedicated. And I'm not exactly the strongest person around. I did end up graduating with a 4.0 which allowed me not to have to pay back all my loans.

Wow - that's really impressive! Trust me, a PhD is not that impressive once almost everyone you know has one...

Originally Posted by Anika

Just don't sell yourself short because of Bipolar or any other circumstances, because we have an amazing way of overcoming odds.

Amen to that! Every time I get discouraged and think I can't handle this degree or this career, I remind myself that many other bipolar people have done it before with great success, so I have no excuse not to try as hard as I can.