[saltphoenix]

I'll try to keep this simple:

If you are in the middle of an episode, which is better? Your friends/family/SO/loved ones talking to you? Or ignoring your rantings until it has passed?

Specific:
I'm having a REEEEAAAAALY hard time right now. And any of you who have been there, knows, nothing that anyone can say is going to make you feel better... Ok, maybe not all of you, but at least SOME of us... ME most importantly.

My SO is young. He is confused and afraid. He had no idea what to do when I am in the middle of an episode, and there is no way in hell I can tell him, because, I DON'T KNOW! He offers words of encouragement, he offers hope for the future, he then clams up. He stands and gawks at me like he's being punished. He is speechless. He won't talk, he won't offer his thoughts, he won't share his personal feelings. He just stares at me blankly.

Now I don't scream at him, I don't blame him for feeling bad, I don't ask him to make it all go away, I am not begging for answers, but what happens when I get silence?

I become enraged. I feel like I have been abandoned. I want to go away and never come back. I feel like if I have to suffer in silence and alone, then I might as well be. It's only then that he begs me not to go. I'm sick. I don't want him to beg me not to go. I don't know WHAT I want from him, because guess what? I'M SICK. I DON'T FEEL WELL. NOW is not the time to ignore me or look at me like I am crazy or stand there speechless... It only makes me want to go away more. Yes, I have discussed this with him BOTH in the middle of an episode and while I felt fine. Never fails, I have an episode, he clams up, looks terrified, I don't get any help, none of us feel any better, and all I want to do is go away and never come back...

Why do I need to hear his voice when nothing he says will help?
Why do I just want to go away? If I am not getting the support that I need, (which is hard, when you don't even know what it is you need) shouldn't I just live alone?

I'm having a really hard time right now and I have posted so much today and on other boards, and even in reading it myself, none of it makes much sense. I have never been to the hospital before, (I'm 38) but I wonder if I should go. I feel really, really, really sick, both physically and in my head... I can't even get across what it is I want to say or ask...
Anything would help guys... :-(

edit: I am quite frightened, as I made a post about my daughter earlier and I cannot find it anywhere, I am honestly starting to question what is real and what is not. It was kind of a lengthy post and I had some serious concerns about my ability to parent in this condition... it's vanished... It's scaring me.

wow, salt, sounds as if you're in between a rock and a hard spot right now. i live alone and can't relate to an SO observing me when i'm having an episode, but i can imagine how hurt and alone you would feel. it does sound as though the SO is very frightened for you and just doesn't know what to do. can you find a simple book on BP and ask him to read it. or a website? he probably truly doesn't now what to say. oxoxoxo pat

[Azalysa]

We all react differently in these situations. I tend to the low, depressive side with intermittent hypomania. I also live alone BUT if I had a SO, even if he said nothing, I would feel safe to just be held. My fear is having to go through this alone.

I'm so sorry to hear you're in a bad place right now...keep talking to us...it helps!

[mlyn]

Sick or not we have no right to expect more of someone than they can give. It is just as selfish as one who chooses not to understand illness. If someone is trying and not able to succeed so what. Yes, it feels awful but geesh look at their effort. Compare it to someone who says screw you get over it already. I'd much rather have someone around atleast concerned even if they don't know exactly what to do than one who says screw you get over it.
mlyn

[saltphoenix]

Well, I'm doing a bit better today... starting to recoup. This has been a hard week. thanks!