[nacht]

I can't remember the last time I wished December was over before it even started. I'm so sick of this stupid season.

All this month means to me is concerts that I can't afford to drive to and perform in and endless days of doing nothing at the house other than pacing the hallway or picking fights with my boyfriend. There's a holiday next weekend and I don't care. I was asked what gifts I want, and I said I don't know. It doesn't really matter what I want because I don't deserve presents anyway. I'm nothing but a drain on everyone and everything around me. I can't even make myself useful enough to clean the house. It's a wreck even though I'm home all the time, filthy kitchen, laundry piled up everywhere... you'd think I could at least get that done, or my writing project, but nope! I am a disgusting slob with no sense of direction in my life and I might as well be swallowing tic-tacs every night because I don't actually have an illness, I'm just lazy and a failure, and I need to stop whining about how horrible my life is all the time because it's my fault anyway for walking off my last job.

That is all I think about, all day long, going in these high speed circles in my head. All the time. The only reprieve I get is sleep and my brain has decided that it sleeps when it bloody well wants to, Seroquel or no.

I'm trying to stay positive - only two more concerts and I'm done for a while! - but the constant self-loathing is wearing me down. Most of the time I just want to scream until I'm hoarse. Or cry. I seriously feel like I'm going to fly out of my skin. I'm supposed to be out Christmas shopping for my sister's kids tomorrow morning, and instead I'm wide awake and ranting about how much I despise myself. At 5am. Fantastic. I might as well just pull an all-nighter.

[AniManiac]

Oh nacht... I don't have anything brilliant or particularly comforting to say. Just know that you're understood and there's sympathy for you.

Only two more concerts - you can make it! People want to give you gifts because they love you, simple as that - they think you deserve them, and that's a good enough reason. You're lucky to have people who love you nearby at the holidays (it's just me and my hubby out here 500 miles away from all our family...)

Do whatever you have to do to stop fixating on this self-loathing - maybe the Christmas shopping will be a good distraction?

Hope it gets better soon...

As a failed piano musician, I envy you your concert-worthy music. I too often find myself trapped in little cul-de-sacs of the mind, and almost inevitably I find that all the assumptions I make about people's attitudes toward me are completely false, that my mind has just been playing tricks on me. Just tell yourself again and again that the negative feelings you have about yourself have no foundation whatsoever. And you've provided empirical evidence that supports this.

I hate receiving gifts too because what I want or need are the intangibles that no one can really give me. I couldn't care less about another pair of woolen socks, even though I know the giver to be generous and thoughtful. But it's important to be gracious and that is a gift you can give to others. AniManiac has a good suggestion...try some retail therapy or if the finances are abyssmal, make some gifts. I mass-produced some bird feeders one year and really enjoyed it. Break a leg but for god's sakes, give yourself a break. Your thoughts are simply misguided.

[~Christina]

Nacht,

I wish I had some fantastic advice to offer .. I think there are alot of us feeling this way this time of the year ..Just more added stress ontop of the normal stress we try to deal with daily .

Cut yourself a break we all get the " I feel like Im just lazy" or we allow ourselves to crank up the dial on our " self loathing"

Be kind to yourself

[missbelle]

First of all you are not a drain on anyone and the holiday season is not really happy for many, many people as we are all dealing with tons of issues not including our depression, anxiety etc......take it slow. Christmas is only one day, and I am like you . I am ready for Christmas to be over

[kaliope]

how i handled negative thoughts about myself was to keep on hand some positive things i could not dispute to be true. like i am an excellent writer. (not that it shows in my posts, i am lazy here, but professionally i am known for writing excellent reports) so no matter how down on myself i got, i could always turn it around by focusing on the fact that was an excellent writer or that my boss really appreciated me. these were facts i could not dispute. so even though you feel you are a drain on everyone,you can focus on the fact that you are a value and asset to these concerts you give. you bring joy to the people that come see them.

Hugs

[nacht]

*hugs to all* Irate screaming aside (seriously - I went outside and screamed like a banshee in my car for a good ten minutes last night after I made that post!), I'm not feeling quite as panicked. I went out and got the gifts for the children and that did help.

Thanks for your concern and suggestions, you guys are awesome. It's hard for a lot of us right now, I know.