[xp1155]

It feels like my head is twisting to the right and my body is twisting to the left. I have been in bed since 9 last night and I still do not feel like getting up. My p-doc bumped up my Cymbalta from 30 to 60, but that is only making me sick and harder to sleep (she is on vacation, so I don't want to call her again). I need to clean, go to the store, read for class, prepare my lecture for tomorrow, and I don't feel like I am going to get anything done. I don't want to be in this state and I don't want to do the PhD thing anymore. I like my classes this semester; but I don't feel like I have the energy to complete ANYTHING. I am at a loss for words. I haven't been manic in months, only with mixed episodes, because the Trileptal is working on mania. However, NOTHING is working for the depression. I would rather have moments of mania than a few moments of "blah" followed by days upon days of depression. My whole body is aching, so I need to get up... it's going to be physically and emotionally painful today.

[AniManiac]

Hang in there, hang in there, hang in there...

When do you get to see your pdoc next? Did pdoc leave a number for someone filling in, or did she say, "call me if there are problems"? If so, it should be OK to call. How recently was your dosage changed? The side effects may be temporary and sometimes it takes awhile for the benefits to kick in. I get headaches for weeks with Wellbutrin increases, had a whole month of incapacitating migraines going from 300mg to 450mg - but it does help me, so it's worth it.

My suggested prioritization would be 1) Get up and take care of yourself - it will help you feel better because you did at least that much. 2) Prepare for lecture (give yourself a time limit, if you can, to keep it in check) - is there anything you can do with the class that's not lecture, so you have less prep to deal with? 3) Go to the store only if you really have to; you can even just get the milk if that's all you desperately need, and save the rest for another day. 4) Leave the cleaning for when you're feeling a bit better. All PhD students neglect housecleaning. I haven't met a single one who feels like they're keeping up on everything they're "supposed" to do. I have to have guests coming over before I'm willing to do any housecleaning, and as soon as I have a higher income, I'm hiring a cleaning lady because cleaning is one of the worst possible uses of my time.

For what it's worth, you're having a completely logical and normal reaction to the situation at hand. Every PhD student, depressed or not, wants to drop out at some point - you'd be an oddball if you didn't feel that way (especially first year!) And it's probably not much comfort, but you're probably not the only one in your program struggling with depression. No one talks about these things much, though.

Is there a NAMI group on your campus? I find it really helpful to go to their support meetings on my campus. I'm the only grad student among undergrads, but I'm not the only bipolar person and it's great to have the PC-like conversations and feedback in person once in awhile. It can be so hard to have no one to talk to about the intersection of mental health problems and being a student.

When energy is low and you feel awful, I find it helps to focus only on the immediate and necessary things - one day at a time, as they say. Of course, I have a terrible time prioritizing them, and had to lean on my advisor for this quite a lot. It's really hard on a research agenda, though, so if you're able to set very tiny goals (read 1 article every other day, for example) you might be able to keep that from snowballing.

[tnlibrarian]

I'm sorry things are so hard. I understand what you're talking about--I ran into that when I was working on both of my masters degrees and have been running into it with things around here and work I need to do for my job. One thing you need to check is if there is a support group on campus or somewhere in town you can join. The other thing is to check and see if the university offers services to support students with mental illness. At the school I was at they had therapists on campus for people with mental illness and had services through disabled student services. Basically they were able to make it to where I had to be allowed to miss more than a regular student. It was a Godsend at times.

My other advice would be to ask for help with things around the house. There's no shame in that. See your psych as soon as possible and keep us updated on how you're doing.

[xp1155]

I see the p-doc next on Feb 22nd. I started my 60mg on Sunday. I know, I know, it's only Tuesday and these things take time. If the meds don't work, I have to see another lady that I absolutely cannot stand or simply wait. The clinic is at school and they get annoyed when I call (which is about once a month). They tell me to go to the hospital if I am bad or wait. My p-doc herself is actually pretty nice; but everyone else seems like they don't like working with mental patients, lol. I'll check for support groups and disability services. I've never used disability services, but it might be time to consider it.

It's just so hard to adjust meds and be a PhD student. I don't see a psychologist, only a p-doc. I am not sure if there are any support groups for grad students. It's only the second week; I shouldn't feel like this.

I got up and found out the water was shut off. I saw some vans near pipe lines, so hopefully they fix it soon. If not, I might have to borrow a shower from a friend. I did go to the store to get water and a few other things. It felt like it took forever.

I'll work on my lecture before I read. I can fumble my way through my class tomorrow if called on, but I want to make sure my lecture makes sense. Luckily, one of my classes is on-line and I am caught up on those readings. I texted a friend a told her how I felt. A few people in the PhD program are aware I am Bipolar. I don't really hide it and don't feel like I need to be ashamed of my condition. They know I am on and off meds all the time and get sick from the meds. One day last semester, one of my fellow PhD students lectured for me because I was dry heaving from the meds. I owe him big time.

Thanks, both, for your support.

[tutitaylor]

XP1155 - take a deep breath. You have A lot going on, it easy to see that you would seem overwhelmed. can you take a sick day to catch up on things. That might take some of the pressure off and enable you to handle things on your terms. I hope that you feel better soon. I will keep you in my thoughts. Tuti

[AniManiac]

Originally Posted by xp1155

It's just so hard to adjust meds and be a PhD student. I don't see a psychologist, only a p-doc. I am not sure if there are any support groups for grad students. It's only the second week; I shouldn't feel like this.

Amen. Today was the first pdoc visit in 2 months that I haven't had meds changed!

There are often some kind of support groups available - check with whatever counseling center might be on campus. The NAMI group I've gone to is mostly undergrads, plus me, but that doesn't really matter to me. You might also be able to get free/low cost therapy services through the university. I did short-term therapy at the counseling center while working on getting a pdoc lined up.

Originally Posted by xp1155

I'll work on my lecture before I read. I can fumble my way through my class tomorrow if called on, but I want to make sure my lecture makes sense. Luckily, one of my classes is on-line and I am caught up on those readings. I texted a friend a told her how I felt. A few people in the PhD program are aware I am Bipolar. I don't really hide it and don't feel like I need to be ashamed of my condition. They know I am on and off meds all the time and get sick from the meds. One day last semester, one of my fellow PhD students lectured for me because I was dry heaving from the meds. I owe him big time.

Thanks, both, for your support.

Sounds like a good plan - tough as it is to get going, I always feel better for getting a little something done.

Good for you on being "out" with bipolar - I'm starting to tell a few trusted colleagues and it's nice to know that there are people who have your back.