[grandmaof3]

When my husband met me I was having a "normal" period. I was not yet diagnosed as bipolar but I knew that something was not right. My aunt is bipolar and I suspected that I was like her but I was afraid to see somebody about it. I thought that if I worked at it I could be normal all the time. We got married 6 weeks after we met. I was pregnant. Everything was great for a few months but then I started having some bad mood swings. I thought that it was hormones and so did my husband. After the baby was born I thought thngs would get better, but they only got worse. I was very impulsive. On cloud 9 one minute and ready to kill someone the next (for real...I'd get mad over something stupid and want to kill people) The only thing that stopped me from doing something terrible was not wanting to get caught. I would get in a down mood and not want to gt out of bed. My husband got in the habit of agreeing with everything I wanted to do just because he was afraid I'd get mad if he didn't. We went on like this for several years. Finally I scared myself into getting help. I got irrationally mad because the grass at one of our rentals was taller than 2 inches ( Yes I went and measured it) I got into an argument with the tenant about it and told her to move. I was so mad after she left that I decided to burn the house down. I ranted and raved , paced back and forth screaming at my husband that I was going to burn that house down. I knew I was being irrational but I could not stop. He tried everything to calm me down. Finally I pretended that I was calm and told him I was sorry. He went to take a shower. I quickly went out to the garage and got the gas can and drove over to that house. I got as far as pouring gas on the back porch when I saw a cat in the window.I remembered that the girl had two cats. I did not want to harm the cats so I left. I did not care if I killed the tenant I just didn't want to harm 2 defenseless animals. I finally calmed down . I was so upset I couldnt sleep that night. I knew I was crazy. First thing that morning I called a psychiatrist and was lucky enough to get an appointment that same day. I told him the story and he spent a good 2 hours with me asking all kinds of questions. He told me I was bipolar. That was 9 years ago. I tried many medications until finally we tried Geodon. I take 80 mg 3 times a day along with Paxil, wellbutrin and ativan it has changed my life. I've only been in a mental hospital once when I got depressed and thougt that taking a whole bottle of ambien was a good idea but i had been off my medication for a few weeks. Now I know I have to take my meds. I still get manic occasionally, like right now I am a little manic. I don't know why my husband stays with me. Especially now that our 15 year old daughter has been acting out. She is diagnosed with bipolar disorder too. She just had a baby last summer. The stress isn't helping our situation. But we do the best we can. Sometimes i get frustrated because the medication isnt perfect and I still have episodes. It is hard to go to work and function like a normal person all the time. I am constantly afraid that I will do something stupid and lose my job.

[Moose72]

You are lucky you didn't light a match- cats or no cats. There are plenty of things I have thought of doing and the knowledge that I could go to jail has kept me from doing them. Thank goodness!

[Rosie23]

Wow. I am glad the cats stopped you. But I do understand how crazy it can make you.
I guess I am lucky. I have always stopped just short of drastic because of my kids or my husband. But the filter on my mouth always stopped working anyway. And I still ranted and raved and sent everyone running for cover.

I have had a bad week and I have had to keep to myself every day so I don't fly off at someone. So I understand where you are.