Still not sure.........

Still havin' a hard time. Went "home" for a bit, to find things bit crazy. Grandfather is sick, he doesn't talk to us and I am worried he does not have much time.... as much as it is a fact of life... it scares me.

And I pretty much have plan to go out on my own accords, before I get "like this". I have been weaving plans to go out while still productive and capable and passably looking, because I don't want to see myself going down or go to the point where I will not have enough guts or strenght to have the choice.

Mom lost her job of social worker and it is hitting her now, that she has nothing else to do but retire.

As much as I want to be there for my family I escaped now to Brno, my "home" on dorms to work on my thesis about wars. Wars seem preferable to my life and my inner struggle (27-who-achieved-close-to-nothing-and-future-is-so-bleak).

I am thinking about applying to jobs far far faaaaaaaar away. Friend suggested Japan. Japan does not seem far enough for me (nevertheless I am going to go for it and pray so it works out). My escapism is in full blown mode. Anywhere but here seems wonderful and promising. It postpones things. If I am in some far away foreign country, I don't have to fully live. I can go on with my survivalism. Maybe I would find a will and strenght to fully live somewhere far far away. Eventhough I have no idea what it means to "live". I thought I knew, but.... I am not sure. What if all this is a huge act of pretending? Do my friends and family live with their jobs and children and dogs and cats and holidays? What if all my holidays and cats and studies are mere substitute to what really matters? It feels so so soooooooo empty right now.

I don't even know why I am posting this here. Probably trying to make sense of it all. And hoping I am not wasting too much of cyberspace with my 0s and 1s....

Hey Venus,

I am sorry your having a hard time family wise. It's always hard when a Grandparent is ill. I know how it feels.

Why do you think your life would be better living in Japan? Are you thinking it would solve all your problems?

My parents have been out of work for over a year and I definately know how tough it can get. Struggling is our middle name over here. But there is always something good coming out of it.... both parents have jobs now yayyy!!!!!

((Venus)) That all sounds miserable and stressful. I'll keep your family in my thoughts and prayers.

My grandmother died of Alzheimer's, and after watching her decay physically and mentally, I can understand wanting to go before things get too bad. Just please don't think of leaving anytime soon! There are a ton of people on PC who would miss you.

I can really relate to that. I often contemplate just hopping on a plane and starting a new life somewhere "far far faaaaaaaar away". Unfortunately for us, most of our problems will follow wherever we go.

I'm not sure I know what it means to "live" either, and I often feel more dead than alive. What if everything is an "act of pretending"? What would the consequences be-people not realizing their potential as human beings, or something more drastic than even that? Something supernatural? Is there any way to detect the consequences?

If what people traditionally hold dear is just a substitute to what truly matters, how would we know that it was a substitute? Would it not be as fulfilling as something "real"? This is essentially the same question I asked earlier, reworded.

Are you afraid that there is nothing "real", nothing that actually matters? Is that what is behind the emptiness?

I hope that you can find some satisfying answers soon.