[cocoabeans]

It is so annoying.

I'm not depressed right now just a bit down, perhaps very mildly depressed. No big deal. Depression happens. Time has proven I can cope but, I've notice my brain keeps taking me back to weird random memories from my life. Events I wouldn't even remember otherwise but, when I get down it is like my mind has no capacity for the present or the future.

I *know* the past is the past and have accepted it as such so I could simply have a better outlook on life but my brain rebels. Silly brain being all emotional.

I'm slower too and less able to focus which is quite silly because I'm not especially interested in these memories and remind myself as such so I can go on about my daily tasks.

Seriously annoying and counter productive to have my mind in such a place. Brain, let's get reasonable okay?

[eskielover]

I understand what you are saying about your brain, I end up fighting mine all the time. I live alone. Left my husband after 33 years of being married & moved 2100 miles away to where I didn't know anyone...which helped with some of the PTSD triggers I was experiencing, but didn't phase others.

I have always had a problem with misplacing things...loosing keys, my glasses....the usally irritating things that come up missing when you are trying to get something accomplished or out the door to be somewhere on time rather than 15 minutes late as usual.

This last few weeks has been terrible because my house is in a disaster, so I can't just see when something is out of place because everything is out of place. I had a problem getting my lawn tractor going this spring & found a broken spring on the deck...but that had nothing to do with why it wouldn't go forward or backward. The battery is not good on the tractor, so I have to jump start if from this battery charger I bought. The mechanic suggested that all it might take is to start the tractor, put it into high speed, then low several times to break loose the belt. I managed to find the battery charger & it had enough power to jump start the mower once & I fixed the problem the way he suggested. I was on my way to doing something else, so couldn't do much mowing that night......the battery charger needed to be charged before I could jump start the battery again & I couldn't fine the adaptor ANYWHERE. I knew where I had it last. I was so busy, I didn't have time to look for the stupid adaptor, but knew I needed to find it before I could get the lawn tractor started & my grass was now about as tall as I am. There were a few other pieces of paper that had information on them that I managed to misplace & oh yes, I had filled up my 1 gallon gas can & thought I had managed to forget to load in back into my truck. Didn't think to look for it for almost a week after I had filled it up.....It wasn't in the back of my truck & I didn't see it anywhere in my garage....went back to the gas station in hopes that someone nice might have turned it in...no luck. Loosing things always bothered me, but after the trauma with the home care person when my mother was dying of cancer......everything had started to disappear when she was around from my mother's wedding ring off my mother's hand, to the checkbook I was working on, to the notes I had been making when I was sitting on the floor talking with the police the morning before everything happened. So now every time things get misplaced, my mind takes me back to the horrible feelings I was experiencing during the time I was going through the trauma & the more things I misplace, the even more things I end up misplacing which makes it even worse.

I usually try to distance myself & relax....but even that didn't help me find all the missing things or stop me from kicking myself for being so stupid to loose them because I know how horrible it makes me feel.

One morning, I walked into the front room & noticed a zip log baggie in a plastic container....sure enough, it was the adaptor.....then I couldn't find the stupid charger. Finally got that act together & got the charger plugged in so I could start the mower in awhile & do some mowing finally as the grass was growing longer by the minute. When I went out to start the lawn tractor, I walked farther into the garage & there sat the 1 gallon gas can that I thought I had lost. I know it wasn't there the previous time I looked, but it must have been. My worse thing is my truck keys however. I will have everything together, get the dogs into the truck & not be able to find my keys or my cell phone. I find one & can't find the other & by the time I have everything found, I'm at least 15 minutes late for where I was supposed to be going.....the lateness isn't 1/2 as bad as the trigger that hits me from misplacing the things that brings back the feelings I experienced during the trauma.

I wish my mind would get it's act together.....don't think it ever will. I always had problems misplacing things, but it effects me in such a negative way now. I had a whole session with my psychologist on this very subject this last week....interesting....very interesting....but irritating more than anything.

[and_im_still_here]

Exactly, my brain has a mind of its own, stinky things is such a mean character, its rude its silly its just so different than what i am and it makes me say things that i should not and worst it makes me think things i dont want

[bohogypsy]

The only time I have memories crop up is for stuff I haven't 'integrated', 'resolved' or 'healed'. Your brain will bring it (unprocessed stuff) to your attention by resurfacing the memory - acknowledge me it says! Memories are triggered because there is an association with what is happening 'presently'. I view it as an opportunity so I thank my mind for those memories. It will also cause some form of emotional response (annoyance, fear, disinterest...something) when the memory arises. I just allow the memories to play out without judging them - you witness the memories with no attachments. For the most part my head is completely empty, unless I decide to talk to myself of course , and that's why I am able to notice and identify my triggers quite quickly. I'm able to manage those triggers for the most part. Well, that's been my experience of it anyways. You brain doesn't sound too odd to me

[cocoabeans]

I think I get what you're saying bohogypsy though your terminology seems a bit extreme to me. Words like trigger and a need for resolution and healing have me thinking trauma. I've experienced negativity but, trauma? I can't say.

But why wouldn't I acknowledge remembering as an experience itself rather than thinking of random memories of negative events as negative themselves? The essence of remembering is seperate from the memory or interpretation. I can appreciate the act of remembering. With that perspective my brain and I can get along just fine.

Maybe that isn't at all what you were saying and perhaps it is nonsense but, I'm taking that away from it and it is a much more neutral perspective

[bohogypsy]

I am not really talking about reminiscing, that’s true. I can’t say that I reminisce a lot. Perhaps I do once in a blue moon. The topic was about ‘random memories’ that pop-up so I was just sharing my experience with those sorts of memories. I personally don’t think trigger is such a bad word (it doesn’t hold any charge for me). I can see how it can have negative connotations, but to me it’s just another way of saying 'prompt' or 'to make something active'. In my experience my triggers have to do with my anxieties and insecurities (fears). Memories that pop up in the moment seem to relate to a previous experiences I've had. It's a bit more complex than that - I'm just cutting it down because I don't want to go into a full explanation. And as I said previously when I am not triggered my mind is blank (unless I am talking to myself).

[BusyMomma2]

I often get nostalgic during a depressive statement. It's not at all helpful.

[faerie_moon_x]

I used to have it really bad that I would lay down to sleep and instead go through my entire life and all the bad things and mistakes I made and lay there all night crying. When my husband first moved in with me and we slept in the same bed, this stopped. It was like having him there made me feel safe and my past shut off at last. I no longer go over the past like I used to. I don't know what it was that resolved it for me because it wasn't like he did anything, he was just there.

Otherwise, though, my brain is totally against me. I can't focus, can't read, can't write, can't organize or get things done....