[hamster-bamster]

For a while I have been going to the swimming pool. I swam imperfect breast stroke with my head above the water, without goggles. In a way I like swimming this way because I see people around me. But the posture is bad and eventually my neck starts hurting. I did it because I was too lazy to adjust my goggles so that they would fit.

Now yesterday I finally overcame the laziness. Wonderful! Proper posture, proper breathing. Faster movement. That, until I got into the deeper end.

The view of the deep end below me caused my mind to conjure up an image of my youngest child, who is now in school, as if she were a toddler. And she falls into the deep waters and I cannot rescue her - the distance is too long.

I could not tolerate looking down. Started swimming with my head above the water - everything is fine. Tried the proper way - same image when I see the dark blue depths. Tried several times; the image is unrelenting. My heart gets filled with terror.

Many years ago I swam in much deeper, Olympic size pools, and I remember enjoying looking down into the depths. Now I think - how could I have tolerated it without fear?

Has anyone experienced such haunting imagery and what was helpful against it? Should I just tough it out and swim looking down hoping that the imagery would go away? I am terrified of doing that, but I do want to swim correctly.

Please help.

[Moose72]

I would get intrusive thoughts that were horrific before I was diagnosed.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I would get intrusive thoughts that were horrific before I was diagnosed.

Moose, do you imply that medications helped with it?

[Moose72]

Well I guess so. I think they're part of bp and I still wonder why my pdoc at the time never diagnosed me as bp for those 8 years!

[BuggsBunny]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Has anyone experienced such haunting imagery and what was helpful against it? Should I just tough it out and swim looking down hoping that the imagery would go away? I am terrified of doing that, but I do want to swim correctly.
Please help.

I don't know how to make the imagery go away,, except for desensitization, which would involve looking at it in bits at a time. My question is, do you have to look down when you swim. Is there no other position - like sideways- that you can use?

[hamster-bamster]

I can be on my back or my belly. I do not know how to do sidestroke. But it is a good idea - I will look up, maybe there are YT videos on the technique.

[BipolaRNurse]

That reminds me of the postpartum psychosis I experienced after my fifth child was born, almost 21 years ago. I had these horrid fantasies about allowing some sort of harm to come to him, but in these daydreams I always died with him.....Lord, I went through SO much guilt because of this, I tried to stop the thoughts and just couldn't.

(That was long before I knew this was a precursor to bipolar d/o. In those days PP depression/psychosis wasn't really talked about, and mothers who suffered from it generally did so in silence. Mine started with the very first child and got progressively worse with each one, and I never told a soul about it until about 10-12 years ago, when the issue came to the forefront because of the woman who drowned all five of HER kids in the bathtub.)

It's terribly frightening to think thoughts like this and be unable to stop them. You have my sympathies, hamster-bamster.

[grandmaof3]

Thats horrible. Maybe desensitization will help .Sidestroke is easy. Ask the lifeguard to show you once or twice and you'll pick it up no problem.

[LiteraryLark]

I would force yourself to continue to do what makes you afraid and take it head on--it's a mental game, there will be no harm to your child, so you need to tell you're fears that you are one BAMF and a force not to be reckoned with!

I'm sure that's not what you're looking for, but that's just my take on facing fears...make your fears afraid of you!

edit: Lately I've been scared of going fully under water, which was something I used to enjoy, but now I feel like someone is pushing me and holding me under. I haven't gone swimming since December, so when summer goes around I'm going to force myself to swim under water and make my fears go away.

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by BipolaRNurse

That reminds me of the postpartum psychosis I experienced after my fifth child was born, almost 21 years ago. I had these horrid fantasies about allowing some sort of harm to come to him, but in these daydreams I always died with him.....Lord, I went through SO much guilt because of this, I tried to stop the thoughts and just couldn't.

(That was long before I knew this was a precursor to bipolar d/o. In those days PP depression/psychosis wasn't really talked about, and mothers who suffered from it generally did so in silence. Mine started with the very first child and got progressively worse with each one, and I never told a soul about it until about 10-12 years ago, when the issue came to the forefront because of the woman who drowned all five of HER kids in the bathtub.)

It's terribly frightening to think thoughts like this and be unable to stop them. You have my sympathies, hamster-bamster.

Nurse, thank you for the post and the hugs. I am making connections now. When the child described here was born, I was all happiness and ease, with no imagery. But when the older children (btw I have deep parenting issues and none of them live with me now) were born, I had worse imagery - like you, I was causing harm or putting them in harm's way. What haunts me now is "just" a thought of harm happening to the child and my not being able to rescue - I am not at fault or ever careless. But yes, it looks like I have a history of such intrusive thoughts. By the way, when I complained of such thoughts, many years later, during my neuropsychological assessment (and the thoughts were really terrible, I wish I could describe them to get them out, but I want to protect the sensibilities of people reading the thread), the psychologist said that such thoughts confirm that in reality you do not want any harm to your child but are in fact caring. To what extent what he said is true in case of a frank psychosis, I do not know. What was the name of the woman who drowned her 5 children? I remember she lived in Houston.

Glad to hear that it has been almost 21 years since the nightmare for you!

[hamster-bamster]

Originally Posted by DrSkipper

I would force yourself to continue to do what makes you afraid and take it head on--it's a mental game, there will be no harm to your child, so you need to tell you're fears that you are one BAMF and a force not to be reckoned with!

I'm sure that's not what you're looking for, but that's just my take on facing fears...make your fears afraid of you!

edit: Lately I've been scared of going fully under water, which was something I used to enjoy, but now I feel like someone is pushing me and holding me under. I haven't gone swimming since December, so when summer goes around I'm going to force myself to swim under water and make my fears go away.

I will do what you suggest. I will be thinking of you, as support, in the process. Your approach to fears should come in handy in many areas of my life, besides swimming. This one is just the most terrifying at the moment.

I will report back to the thread. Thank you.

[BipolaRNurse]

Originally Posted by hamster-bamster

Nurse, thank you for the post and the hugs. I am making connections now. When the child described here was born, I was all happiness and ease, with no imagery. But when the older children (btw I have deep parenting issues and none of them live with me now) were born, I had worse imagery - like you, I was causing harm or putting them in harm's way. What haunts me now is "just" a thought of harm happening to the child and my not being able to rescue - I am not at fault or ever careless. But yes, it looks like I have a history of such intrusive thoughts. By the way, when I complained of such thoughts, many years later, during my neuropsychological assessment (and the thoughts were really terrible, I wish I could describe them to get them out, but I want to protect the sensibilities of people reading the thread), the psychologist said that such thoughts confirm that in reality you do not want any harm to your child but are in fact caring. To what extent what he said is true in case of a frank psychosis, I do not know. What was the name of the woman who drowned her 5 children? I remember she lived in Houston.

Glad to hear that it has been almost 21 years since the nightmare for you!

Yeah, me too!

The woman's name was Andrea Yates. I'll never forget her or the desperation I saw in her eyes each time she was photographed.....I can't even imagine drowning my children coldly and systematically like she did, but with that husband of hers who kept getting her pregnant and not caring what effect it had on her psyche, I can't help thinking she needed to escape that somehow.

[hamster-bamster]

I've read the Wikipedia article about the woman. It is hard not to feel enraged when you read about the way her husband impregnated her with the last child - the child who was the last drop. She told him that she did not want sex. He went ahead anyway. This is called rape. I wish he were prosecuted. For that and for the reckless and intentional disregard of the doctor's order to never leave Andrea alone. To think that this tragedy could have been prevented in the most trivial manner, with his mother not staying at her house for that one extra hour.

[hamster-bamster]

90% success. Was thinking of what a good swimmer she is now at 11. I am glad I asked the question and received the suggestions.