[Merlin]

I am finding it really hard to stay on my medication, and I haven't even managed to give it a trial. The meds aren't said to me working fully until at least a month after taking them regularly. I took them regularly for the first week or two, but then I dropped my Anti-depressant on the advice on my pdoc, we'd been titrating it down because my reaction to it gave evidence of my bipolar.

I started talking Celexa mid-August because I was feeling/thinking very suicidal, but I couldn't, for whatever reason, make myself act on it, though I'll admit I got the knife out too many times. I ended up thinking, I'm not getting anywhere like this, no closer to life and no closer to death. I thought I might as well try something new. So I started taking the AD and I was feeling better within the first week, and I kept feeling better and better. For the first time in a long time I was just enjoying life, and not because I was in love or anything like that.

I think I may have even spilled into hypomania, but mid-September it ended, and the fall from that feeling to depressed is so hard to take. After a bit of a crisis, my meds were up and again I felt good for a while, not up to the hypomania of before, but somehow even more at home in my own skin. Two weeks later back into depression and again up the meds go, but a weird thing happened at that point I started cycling every few days or sometimes even more rapidly. I got the bipolar diagnosis then, very late November, but when I look back at my past the bipolar was somewhat present even without the meds.

I dropped down of the Celexa slowly and started taking Epival (which is generically divalproex or valproic acid and the trade name in the US is Depakote) and that seems to work for a while, but one I quit the AD it seemed not to works as well and I slipped back into depression, though perhaps a much more stable depression. I was good at taking the mood stabilizer initially, but I find it really hard to, since it seems not to be doing much of anything.

I'm supposed to take it in the morning and in the evening, but I've too often slept through the morning one and just not taken it. And worse there have even been 3 or 4 day spans where I haven't taken it at all, because A. it just doesn't seem to work so why bother and B. I don't really want to be on meds anyway and sometimes the very negative C. I don't want to use it all up so that I will have enough to OD on if I chooose to.

I guess I just wanted to ask how everyone made it through the first long stretch and how do you deal with not wanting to be on any meds at all.

Laura

[DaveyJones]

If you don't feel the mood stabilizer, and you're not depressed or manic, then it is doing it's job.

You sound like me...you need to stay away from antidepressants. If you are a stable depressed you should consider Lamictal. It's rapidly becoming the mood stabilizer of choice, because it can help with mania and depression associated with bipolar. You can also use lithium, which is still the best mood stabilizer out there. Some folks really hate how it makes them feel, but it works. Hope this helps...

DJ

[sharita]

I understand what your going through it is tough especially when your not used to taking medication regularly.

I suppose it all depends on how you feel, if you don't take the AD or mood stabilizer do you feel manic or depressed. If so, then you must push yourself to take them at all cost...Set your alarm if you keep sleeping during the time your suppose to take them.
If they don't seem to work tell your pdoc perhaps he'll let you experiment until you find what's best for YOU. If you don't take the medication and you don't feel extremely bad, that you're no longer able to cope then don't take them, but doing it this way is very risky.

I'm bipolar but I've managed to keep track of my moods and developed a way to cope, without taking meds. It has taking me years to figure out a way to do that and I definitely don't recommend it, but it was the only way for me.

Everyone must find a way to deal with their disorder the best and healthiest way for them.

Good Luck.

[saltphoenix]

I felt like CRAP on medications for YEARS... I finally got on some natural supplements that seemed to knock every horrible bp symptom out. I felt better than I had in... well, ever!
But even THEN, as I had a rude awakening this week, I missed 4 doses of my supplements, combined with too long of nights and a few stressful situations... Total meltdown. I'm not recovered YET. I've slept well, taken my supplements 3 days faithfully again, eaten well... But I'm still haveing a VERY hard time. My body hurts, my mind hurts, my sould hurts... Sure didn't take long to feel like CRAP, but it's taking much longer to feel better... If THAT isn't enough to either stay on the meds that work, or keep taking the supplements that work, or WHATEVER IT IS that you do that WORKS... nothing less than forcefeeding will...
I feel like CRAP, and I'm kicking myself for forgetting my supplements... So yeah, taking the pillz everyday sucks... Feeling like I do right now sux more. :-(

[nothemama8]

Laura the only way I can make it through day by day is to look at my meds as the one thing that keeps me alive , for instance if I were diabetic I must take meds so as not to go into insilin shock, if I had High blood preesure I need meds so I don't have a stroke or heart attack, thus to stay meantaly healthy I must take meds to stay stable
Angie

[jessica_CA]

I was recently diagnosed with bi-polar. I have not started taking the new meds. I am afraid. What if my only moments of elation are eliminated by Lamictal? What if I my heart never races with excitment again? I am already on anti-depressants why do I have to take a mood stabilizer? I am also afraid to tell my boyfriend the doc thinks I am bipolar (and sometimes I agree with him). He knows I struggle with depression and he finds my behavior eratic sometimes, but I don't think he is ready to admit I am bipolar. He will most likely tell me to see another doctor. He really didn't even believe in depression till he experienced my life off the anti-depressants. He felt that I shouldn't have take them, so we agreed I would stop and all hell broke loose, so I went back on them and now he believes in depression. I don't think I can personally embrace this diagnosis. Maybe I don't want to get any better than I am when I am on the anti-depressants. I am so confused.

[Rebound]

First, if you are bipolar, I think you should definitely shy away from anti-depressants. I was fortunate in that when taking them I was just zombified but they are well known to spark mania in bipolar patients (about 3 times in 10).

My reasons for not taking medication are complicated and peculiar to my situation and I don't reccommend doing without them until you have given a proper regimen a fair shake. It sounds to me from your post like you haven't taken anything besides anti-depressant medication for long enough to know if it actually will help you in the long term. It can take weeks to see the full benifit of some medication.

I suggest doing whatever you can to marshall all your patience and hang in with one medication for a few months and see how it goes. If you don't like how it makes you feel, speak with your doctor. Some meds can have side-affects that disappear after regular use.

Don't get me wrong, though. I know this is a tough situation for you. It's hard to stick with something that doesn't seem to be doing much good when you don't want to be taking anything in the first place. And when you are feeling vulnerable, it's hard to trust some new pill when you get queasy just thinking about it.

If I may suggest a slightly different way of looking at the situation, perhaps, instead of focusing on the name to give to your diagnosis, it might help to look at it as the sum of the various ways it messes up your life and look to treat those. I mean, the one thing we can all agree on, me, you, your husband, you doctor, everybody - is that the whole thing sucks donkey walnuts and that is the thing that needs to change. So, do whatever makes you happy, literally. But in order to find a treatment that works, you will have to stick with each long enough to give it a chance to be affective until you find one that works.

All that having been said, I have been getting by without taking anything for a while now. Some days I'm not certain it's such a great idea but I seem to be surviving. Mind you, I don't have a spousal relationship to maintain. I imagine that would make it more difficult.

Just my 2 cents. Best of luck. Let us know how it goes.

[darkeyes]

I've been on Lamictal a few years now, it has NOT taken my ability away of feeling elation, it does not numb you.
Different people respond differently to different meds, when you are taking the one right for you, it is great. I can't understand why anyone, including myself, would prefer to stay in a funk, when there are ways of keeping stable, episode free. I guess it's all up to one's preferences and what they finally decide. I prefer stability, regardless if it means taking 2 pills a day, and keeping with pdoc appt. every 6 to 8 weeks.
There is no sin to take medication, it's a sin not to and to spend life being miserable, when one doesn't have to. I learned to accept that last sentence about 6 years ago or more.
Whatever you decide, I wish you luck.
Take care,
DE

[Merlin]

I have started taking Lamictal since I first posted this. I've taken it for about 5 weeks, and am taking 75mg twice a day. It finally working. can be stable and relatively happy for long periods of time (for me at least.) I don't know about the elation bit, but not much is happening in my life to cause elated feelings. I'm in college and it's paper time (and I'm not a prepared to write them as I should be since I've done a heck of a lot of procrastination.) One of the things that is important to me is that I feel a heck of a lot more in control of myself. I still have the ups and downs that everyone has, but they are more in proportion to the event (or I can practice some CBT techniques to deal with them) and I can recover from the lows far more easily than in the past; I just had to just wait it out. Give the meds a chance to work. I finally did (though I did need a med change too) and it's been worth it.

Laura

[jessica_CA]

Thanks for the insight.