Scared and lonely

I am not able to go to church tonight and I was supposed to read. I am struggling with depression and am all alone. I just got off the phone with my doctor. I have been out on medical leave for 6 weeks and go back next week. I guess I am scared. I don't want my friends to get tired of hearing about my depression. I feel very lonely right now.

I was out for a couple week's leave following a month's hospitalization. I remember how scared I was that weekend before going back to work. Oh, wow ... it was horrible ...

I work with a group of eight who do the work of 12. They're basically decent people, and though they'd made no attempt to check on me while I was out, they were glad to see me back. They were curious but didn't push much; I was able to just let it go with I couldn't handle the meds. And they were mostly so happy not to have to cover my work load anymore that things got back to normal as soon as I got back into the swing of things.

Try to just let them know that you're sick of being sick and want to get back to pulling your weight. Be sure to thank everyone who covered for you while you were out. Then just get back to business as usual and get the focus off you and onto the job ASAP.

Come on here, set up threads, and keep posting to them. Post all you want. From work too, if that's safe. Use this site as your iT

Roadie

I'm still out on what will probably be four weeks of medical disability leave, and I'm scared to death of going back. The people are work with are basically a good bunch of guys, it's an all male blue collar kind of workplace, but the concept of what I'm going through is way over their heads. They have expressed concern when they've seen me and hoped I'll be coming back soon, but I'm not even going to try to explain this to them. They just know I've been sick and I'm trying to get better so I can get back to work.

Keep coming here and posting. We're here to listen and support.

Roadie and Bowhunt72 - thank you do much for posting! I will try to keep your great advice in mind and will keep posting!

If you don't want your friends to grow tired of hearing about your depression, stop talking about it so much. See them on the "good days" when you can fake it. Reach out when you need support but, know when to stop too. Depressed people are very draining.

Unless your coworkers are also your friends, leave the details at home. Trust me. We don't want your emotional problems at work. Emotional coworkers or those who overshare can be percieved as annoying and create tension. Pretend like your leave was a parental or maternity leave or anything else that is just as boring. It is good to have you back but, just like if you now have a colostomy bag, we really don't need to know!

Fake it. You'll be fine.

I agree with the others, leave your symptoms at home as much as you can. It's hard for coworkers to understand your personal troubles, and they really don't belong in the workplace. This will be difficult, but if you try to act as if you are so much better, you will get into the habit of it and your coworkers won't feel awkward around you. The biggest mistake I made coming back after my mom's death was to let my depression show and my tears flow. It alienated me from my friends - who didn't know how to react - and just gave my boss ammunition to use against me. She put me on report for three months, so I couldn't get a transfer, a raise, or anything else beneficial. Granted, we didn't get along the best before Mom passed, but my depression after didn't help any.

Meanwhile, as everyone else has said, hang in there, keep posting, and basically do the best you can. Hugs!

Generally, the less your co-workers know about your condition, the better. As crappy as this reality is, there is still a stigma about people with mental illness---it's like "normal" folks think if they get too close to us, they might get some of it on them.

I'm very careful about whom I disclose this very personal information to; my boss is extremely understanding and all I have to do is tell him when I'm going through a bad patch. But I work with a bunch of women, and I don't care to have my mood swings be the topic of break-room discussions, or to have my authority questioned (I'm a department head) because I "might" be a little manic or a little depressed on a given day.

So, bottom line is, if you aren't ready to go back to work just yet, you probably shouldn't. OTOH, work may be the 'tonic' you need to feel like you're a part of life and not merely a spectator. It's normal to be a little nervous. But you don't owe anyone an explanation, and you certainly don't want to rely on your co-workers to supply what you need to avoid loneliness.

Just out of curiosity---you said you were supposed to read at church yesterday evening. I'm a lector at my church too (Catholic) and sometimes that really gets the anxiety component wound up, but I view it as an opportunity to practice pushing through discomfort and accomplish something good. In fact, I usually do a better proclamation when I'm quite nervous.

I appreciate everyone's posts - I don't plan on sharing with my co-workers when I go back. They know I have thyroid issues, which is why I took the leave.
As far as sharing with friends... I just came home from church - was standing at the back in my choir robe, ready to process in - could not contain the depression and could not push through it - I left and came home. I do not plan on calling anyone because I don't want to burden them. So once again, I am left to handle my emotions on my own. This is fine by me but can be a challenge. I think I will post in another forum because some of the responses in this forum seem a bit harsh(although I have to say that I really appreciate everyone's honesty). I will continue to push through and I know things will get better!

I hope you will stay here, and this is why:

I had the same reaction as you months ago, when people here told me I'd be wise to acquire more of a "fake it" coping skill than I was even willing to consider. I was at my core philosophically opposed. I even thought it was psychologically unhealthy.

One of our members, Venus Halley, explained--in more detail but along the lines as these have here--that people in general (and nowhere more than in the workplace) will use every scrap they can gather against you eventually.

Time passed, and all they tried to tell me proved true. I saw it not only in my life but in that of other around me.

What these people said to you was harsh. These members are not people who treat others harshly. They are among the most caring folks here. If we may try to tuffen you up too fast, just say whoa! But don't leave ... Please.

Also, we will alway listen to you. You never have to do everything everyone says, in order to have people here who will listen to you. Thats not how it works.

Roadie